To defend MIL? Or is DH right?

[threeinmybed]

MIL is coming to visit with her new husband and SIL in a couple of weeks. DS is nearly one, and she hasn't seen him yet, this will be the first visit. She married her current (third) husband last Christmas, when DS was tiny and said she couldn't afford to get married and see DS. We couldn't go up because of DH's work schedule and I was pretty poorly. The distance between us is a long one; we live in South Cornwall, they live in North Wales.

Anyway, DH got worried initially when MIL lied about a few things; she said insane things like 'I've not paid my council tax bill and I'm going to jail for it', and she'd never mention it again, and even denied having said it in later phone calls.

We arranged to meet a little while ago down by us, and insisted that her new husband drive them down and stay in a hotel, rather than just MIL and SIL come down on their own and stay with us. I reasoned that they're newlyweds, I guess they don't want to be separated. But every phone call, DH says he can hear the new husband prompting her to say things, shouting instructions over etc. She won't be spoken to on her own, seems cagey etc.

It's happened before where MIL and a previous H have come to us and been 'skint' and not able to get home again unless we lend money, and DH is worried it'll happen again, and that the new husband is controlling her. His own father, her first husband was terribly violent and so I think DH might be colouring this new husband with this. But I admit that the 'prompting' during phone calls is a bit worrying.

I'm drying to douse the flames a bit here, DH is clearly worried to death, possibly more because SIL is special needs and he's worried about her welfare too. Should I be worried? Is DH right? I so want this to all work out!

Right up until you said that your SIL had special needs, I was all for live and let live BUT be aware. But, with your SIL having special needs I want to reply with - Take care and beaware that if your MIL has had two controlling/abusive marriages she is more susceptible to a third.

I think your dh is right to be concerned. I also don't 'get' how someone can be too skint to get married and see new grand child. It doesn't cost that much to come for a visit.

I think it's weird that your mil has a husband that none of you have met. If your dh has an instinct that something isn't right, then it's wise not to ignore that.

I know, I understand DH is concerned. It was he who suggested for that reason it'd be easier for them to stay in a nearby hotel, so we can get to know this new H before having them round to stay for a weekend. I'm worried that makes us look like a right pair of arseholes; but we have offered to get a sitter on the Saturday evening and take them all out for a meal.

I think the hotel idea is sensible. You have children and don't know this man from Adam. He might be lovely, but equally, he might be a complete chancer or a horrible person that you don't want around your children. Best to get to know him before having him stay in your home with your children.

karma thank you so so much for validating the hotel thing, I was really concerned that we were looking really unreasonable and unwelcoming. MIL was shocked when DH suggested it.

I think your DH is right to be worried. It sounds like she has a pattern for picking the wrong sort of man. :(

I think I'm just a bit over it all, I find it hard to get overly worked up about it, because whilst she's a bit wild sometimes the way I see it, she is a grown woman.

Your DH is right to be concerned but he may also - if his dad was violent and his mum had subsequent dodgy relationships - have ended up in the role as her protector, which means he may be overreacting. Best to judge when you see her maybe, if you can?