Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

ex makes me so angry

22 replies

toody · 26/09/2011 00:38

shortly after we split ex moved in with new gf (we have ds) at time he was 18mths ex very reluctant to tell me where he lived and only did because he wanted me to take ds to his home on christmas day as all his family would be there up until then I took ds to ex mums for his weekly access. Few months ago decided to have ds at his home told him he would have to collect ds and return him as this would be a longer journey and I couldn't afford petrol (this was a bit of a white lie), he refused but suggested I took ds he would bring him back I agreed, easier than having a row. Now he has moved house again saw ds last Sat but asked me to take him to mums then he took him to new house. Has said he thinks we should cotinue with the arrangement of me taking ds and him returning, even though he has moved farther away, he said if not he doesn't see why I need to know his address. AIBU to find this annoying I don't care where he lives but think I should have an address for emergencies. I can think of no reason to keep address secret although he is a great snob hated me calling his flat a flat he called it an upmarket apartment so maybe his house is not very nice or it is nice and he thinks if he looks like he doing ok I will ask for more maitainence. Still think he's being stupid.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 26/09/2011 00:42

Yes it should be possible to use his mothers house as a place to do handovers. Unless your child is having overnight stays at your ex's house, then you wouldnt need to know his address.

If you are not already doing so, I think it would be wise to go through the right channels for maintenance payments, as I can see him trying to get out of it if he can by the sounds of it.

DioneTheDiabolist · 26/09/2011 00:43

He is being ridiculous. You need to know where you DS is at all times.

MeMySonAndI · 26/09/2011 00:45

You have to ask for maintenance no matter what, and the sooner the better. Even if you don't get any, it might be helpful to have it in record that he is not paying.

My ex was very secretive of his new address, and I found it at the time offensive and unnecessary, but the truth is that in most cases, it would be his right.

He moved further away? ask him to collect instead.

my2centsis · 26/09/2011 00:46

To be really honest i wouldn't let ds go if i didn't know where he was going, or were he would be staying. Some may agree with me, some may not but your ds is only young and i think as his mother you have every right to know where he is. I hope it all works out for you :)

MeMySonAndI · 26/09/2011 00:48

YEs, but if he takes her to court because she blocked contact, the court will not care at all that she did it was because she wanted to know where the child was... However they will pay enormous attention (of the negative kind) to the fact that she withheld access :(

squeakytoy · 26/09/2011 00:50

If you drop the child at any house, you cant insist that the childs father remain in that house until you collect him, nor can you insist he inform you of everywhere he takes him, just as he can not do the same with you. So no, you do not have the right to know where your child is at every moment. If you dont trust the father to be capable of looking after the child safely, then you should not be allowing him to have unsupervised access.

If the child is staying somewhere over night, of course you have every right to know where that is.

MeMySonAndI · 26/09/2011 00:53

Erm no, in an ideal world that is the case (and what happens between separated parents who have a civil relationship with each other). But if one of the parents decides singlehandedly not to disclose location.... is his right.

I don't get it, I don't understand it, and I don't think it's correct, but unfortunately... it is only in very extreme circumstances that this is not the case.

Original poster

toody · 26/09/2011 00:55

Maintenance not problem he always pays on time but I also know it wouldn't be worth asking for more because he wouldn't pay but thats not an issue at the moment. I just get angry that he can behave like this I couldn't move house and not tell him where I lived. When he moved into his flat and I did ask for his address he wanted to know why I should know told him the truth it was halloween and I was going to take ds to see him to trick or treat as a surprise, it would have been on a Sunday his reply "Why would I want to see him then I'll have seen him the day before."

OP posts:

Original poster

toody · 26/09/2011 01:04

I don't have concerns about ds welfare when with ex except that he has never shown much interest in him and I know he can't cope on his own if his girlfriend is not around he takes ds to his mums or other family member. Just find it silly that he is so secretive, but he is about everything if he tells me he has taken ds to a park and I ask which one he wont tell me, always reluctant to tell me what ds has eaten even though I have to provide his lunch.

OP posts:

MeMySonAndI · 28/09/2011 12:57

I think you have to choose your battles and understand that no matter how hard you try, you have no control on what your child do or doesn't when he is with the other parent.

The only way you can have a parenting relationship where you get to provide and get plenty of feedback from the other parent is when you have a friendly easy going relationship that allows for that. Otherwise... not much hope. And trying to force that will force either or both of you into being more secretive.

I understand that you would like to know more details about what your child is up to/eaten, but you can't unless there are serious health problems that made this information essential. What park he went to is not essential, choose your battles. Honestly, it saves a lot of heartache.

kelly2000 · 28/09/2011 13:58

How come the school, and doctor's etc do not need his address in case they cannot get hold of you? Also do you not need his address for formal maintainence payments via the CSA?

It is really weird thta he does not want you to know where he is with DS. Is it just a control freak thing - he know it is the one thing he can do to annoy you?

MeMySonAndI · 30/09/2011 12:56

They can have the address but they won't give it to you if you asked. Is a data protection issue.

niceguy2 · 30/09/2011 13:01

You do not NEED to know his address. The whole 'need it in case of an emergency' is bollocks.

Name one emergency where you would NEED to know his address? I can't think of any. If your DS's leg dropped off, you'd expect him to be in the back of an ambulance on the way to hospital where you'd meet him. You wouldn't say "Oh hang on, i'll drive over to yours first'

The whole thing is as often is the case about control and curiosity. You want to know where he lives out of a bit of nosiness and also because you fear he has a bit of control by denying you his address.

niceguy2 · 30/09/2011 13:03

Sorry clicked post too quick.

My advice is stop making it into an issue as right now he will resist giving it to you as he sees you want it and he can annoy you by not doing so.

After a while when it's no big deal, you'll probably find he will give it you anyway.

ShoutyHamster · 30/09/2011 13:06

You could point out with a smile that if he wants to decide to run your co-parenting relationship on those terms - i.e. irritable, point-scoring, petty - he had best have a think about it, because as your DS lives with YOU, it's more likely that long-term HE will be the one to lose out if he decides to create a bad atmosphere for the sake of it.

He knows where you live now, but what if you move? Then (you of course would follow his example and NOT provide your address) he wouldn't even know where his son was living. Or with whom.

He can refuse to share details of his time with your son now - it does nothing but make it more likely in the future that when YOU move on, maybe remarry, when his son has a stepfather who he lives with, instead of his own father - you are faar less likely to make the effort to keep him informed or allow him an insider view of his son's everyday life with his home family.

His right to make a petty point of keeping you in the dark - more fool him in the long run. And a shame most of all for his son, who has a father who'd rather point-score than try and create a positive parenting atmosphere for his son.

He'll be the loser long-term.

SheWhoMustNotBeFlamed · 30/09/2011 13:06

So he's never going to get a birthday card plopping onto the mat from his ds. Miserable sod.

TunaTiebacks · 30/09/2011 13:21

I don't have an address for DSs dad, in fact it's very rare I even know what county he is in! He doesn't want me to know, and I don't care. That said, he never has DS overnight, and if he did I would want to know where DS was going to be, mainly for if he didn't return him (as has happened previously) I don't think YABU, but if he doesn't want to tell you, silly though his reasons may be, he doesn't have to.

LineRunner · 30/09/2011 14:17

A family court - for example - would find it reasonable that both parents gave each other their addresses and an emergency contact number.

MeMySonAndI · 30/09/2011 17:22

Not really Linerunner, it all depends on the circumstances of the case.

Birdsgottafly · 30/09/2011 19:39

Unless there are exceptional circumstances a family court would expect parents to know where each others main place of residence is.

OP this will right itself as your DS gets older, as it would be emotionally damaging for your ex to carry this on.

I am surprised the school do not insist on details of both parents who share PR. Once your DS goes on school trips etc, they will expect these details. If there is ever a serious accident the police knock on the door of the parent(s). It should be noted somewhere if he wants to be the person contacted in the event of an accident which involves the OP as well.

If you can email him and ask for it, if he refuses via email, tbh, i would keep it. He could always turn round at a later date and say that you never bothered to ask for it.

You can block over night stays until you get it as it comes under 'protecting your son'.

CardyMow · 30/09/2011 20:47

Had this with Ex-H. It went to court. Court told Ex-H that he would not be having contact until he provided me with his address. Ex-H provided his new address pretty sharpish. Legally he HAS to tell you his address. Send your ex an email (written proof) asking for his address. Ask him to reply by email. Tell your ex that if he fails to provide his address, he will not be having contact until he does, but that as soon as he does provide his address, contact will recommence. No court will see that as contact blocking - in fact, a court will see it as being irresponsible to send your dc when you don't know where he is being taken!

FantasticVoyage · 30/09/2011 21:34

Can't be bothered reading a post by someone who can't use paragraphs.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread