to be totally not unhappy about death (yesterday) of MIL

[Notatallnice]

For the last 6+ years she has tried to ruin our relationship. Dh has been brilliant to my dc and I have tried to do the same to his. He is not with me now, understandably. I think that she has succeded. I feel nothing and do not know what to say to him. I cannot even compose a nice email. I only met her three times. It has been a torment for both of us for 6 years. And now she is dead. Thanks.

I don´t care for either of my ILs & doubt I´ll care when either of them go.

But for my husband I´ll be devastated.

Losing your mother-well, it rips your heart out.

You don't have to grieve over someone you didn't like, you don't have to fake tears to make your DH feel better, you don't have to be grateful/upset... you are allowed to feel relief. You should support you DH but you don't have to join him in his grief. You shouldn't add your true feelings to his emotional pot though.

I can't see anything wrong with how you're feeling. YANBU.

Look at it as a positive. You're detatched, so you can be there utterly for your DH and DCs (if you have them).

Just make sure he never sees this thread.

Forgot to say YANBU.

If you don´t care for someone, you don´t.

Just be there for your husband.

It's all been said kick off here but be supportive for your husband. You can't go from finding the woman a pain in the rear and a threat to everything that you hold dear, your husband, your children and step children, to grieving just because she has died. Be there for your huband and the step children, they may well have loved their nanny.

I think you're still angry with her, if you let your husband and step children know how you are feeling. Use this site if it helps to offload as long as you stay anonymous,

feelings are feelings you can't control them usually. when someone has been nasty to you and nearly ruined your relationship, then it is underrstandable to not feel the same as for a much loved mil. only a compassionate peson would be feeling like you do about your feelings and be concerrned how you feel, a rreally not nice perrson would be dancing on the grave and not care who they upset.

as people said, you need to support your through this. it is still his mother he has lost and he will feel bad.

take care of your self too, you have lost the mil you should have had (a supportive one) and the chance of her accepting you into the family and tthat will be unsettling too.

You sound utterly shocked, OP. I would be too in your position. I would feel like MIL has done her darndest to split us up, she's done it and she's gone. I'd feel angry that she had the power to do that actually, that the relationship wasn't strong enough to withstand her thoughts.

It would make me think about D 'H' too... whether I would even want to find a way back and even whether I could... MIL's influence and wishes are still evident even if she's no longer around and how could I fight those now? It's one thing to have a battle when she's around but all bets are off now she's dead. I'd never have the chance to turn her around or make her see that I was a good DIL after all.

I'd feel that I have to support D 'H' on one level, but not all - not as a loving wife who can be depended on for complete and utter understanding. Why should I? The relationship that was, now isn't and that was D 'H's doing as much as his mother's. Still, for appearances sake I would do whatever I needed to to make sure that I didn't look back on my conduct with regrets.

Take time to think, OP, like Hamlet... step back, say very little that has any meaning other than platitudes and general supportive noises, until your D 'H' is over the worst of his grief and you've decided what YOU want going forward. Don't let that be his decision possibly cobbled together from a shared history with you combined with his grief and sense of loss.

Thinking of YOU and wishing your D 'H' well.

I think you need counseliing. Yes honestly, not because as you think we all think you are awful.
YOU ARE NOT AWFUL!
But because I think you need a nice safe place to get out all that you really do think and feel about this woman. You can't do that to your husband, you need to just express your sorry for the sadness he feels (I have had to do this so many times for people I know have been unpleasant or I just haven't known). Offer to help with practical things, and make sure you eat properly etc.

But it is not awful not always to be sad someone has gone.

I felt deliriously happy when my MiL died. She was the nastiest woman I've ever had the misfortune to meet. She idolised DH to a bizarre level.
We were living overseas when she went, it wasn't unexpected and DH had around 25 flights booked to cover the time of the funeral.
I took the phone call during the day and told him when he came home from work. I did offer to fly to England with him for the funeral, but the cost was prohibitive and DD would have been a bit confused.
He went on his own and his oldest friend was very supportive.
I have never said I was glad she had died, but did say similar things to what other people have said.

Gearing up for platitudinousness.
She was so horrible to me and now she has dropped out of the ring.

Thank you.

you don't have to be sobbing and rending your garments, but a little human decency wouldn't go amiss.
Someone you (presumably) care about has lost his mother. Surely anyone can summon up a little compassion in that instance.

Oh yes, Stoirin, fake compassion abounds, it's everywhere we turn. You only have to see news reports of tributes and 'devastated' people who didn't even know the deceased. That's not human decency, it's a grotesque parody of what it's perceived to be.

The OP, if you read it at all, tells you much.... or it does if you actually have any compassion for anyone beyond the obvious.

If someone has made life difficult for you, you are bound to feel relieved when they die. You may feel sad for your partner as well, though. Plenty of people have mixed emotions, or even quite straightforward one (being glad they are not there).

I know someone had a horrible father and when he died, I was not remotely sorry and nor was his wife (it was a blessing to her when he went). However, this person still grieved terribly for his father, and it would have been awful if we had in any way suggested it was for the best (even though it was).

I would just comfort him and keep your own private thoughts to yourself.

My mum disliked my granny (her MIL), and although she was my granny, I could see why. She was horrible to my mum and treated her like dirt to her dying day. When granny died, mum was magnificent because she wasn't as heartbroken as my dad. She held him tight when the news came she'd gone (wasn't unexpected), made the phone calls to tell people when he couldn't face it, sorted things like the food for the funeral and at the funeral, floated round making sure everyone was fed and taken care of.

She cried at the service, I think it was the realization that it was over and the shock had worn off.

You're not a bad person, you're in shock. Perhaps practical help for your DH is the way forward. That may be what he needs the most right now.

Notatallnice, i was in exactly your position a month ago. It is a terrible situation to be in.
Relief that no more harm can be done. Upset because you want so much to support your DH but you know he knows how you really felt about her. Anger that a relationship that might have been saved (between you and her) is now utterly beyond repair because your DH never stood up to the woman. I grieved that relationship that could have been, it was such a waste.
The last month for us has been tough, close to break up on several occasions and it looks set to be bad for a while-he wants to pay off the mortgage on the house with his inheritance, i cannot live in a house paid for by her.

You need to be there for him, but you have a lot to deal with yourself too and you need some thinking space.
As for not speaking ill of the dead----anyone got anything nice to say about saddam, osama or hitler?(no im not comparing my MIL to them btw, just observing)

fake compassion? You'd have to fake compassion for your partner on the death of his mother? What the fuck is wrong with you?

It makes no real difference if she was mother theresa or genghis khan, the compassion is for him, not her.

Fucking hell, some people are cold.

Firstly, I don't think you need to be able to think of things to say to your DH. You need to be able to listen to him. It'll be hard because clearly you despised your MIL, but your DH is probably feeling a churn of emotions right now, especially if the last few years were filled with arguments- grief, possibly guilt, maybe anger... you need to just be there for him and listen, and find another outlet (MN?) to express your own feelings about MIL, because your DH has too much else to process.

If you are looking to email your DH, maybe something along the lines of "I'm here if you need to talk, love you" means that he can direct the conversation.

Can you offer practical help in terms of organising things? If you view it as supporting your DH rather than doing something on behalf of your MIL, and stay detached from your own feelings, it might help.

Been in a similar position, OH?s parents have always objected to our relationship, to the extent of offering me money to fuck off (Am less idealist now, should have taken the money and still stayed )
Anyway when he died I have to admit I was in the less bit bothered, but OH was in bits, partly because he always believed that someday they would ?come around? and accept me, and now this could never happen.

After what they had done to us and me I wouldn?t have spit on them if they were on fire.

But at the end of it OH was hurting, so I was just there for him and let him take the lead, just listen and be kind.