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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy for sil children

28 replies

scruffybird · 22/09/2011 16:15

We received a note in DS s birthday card from sil saying that for the next four years she would not be financially able to buy Christmas and birthday presents for our children as she is starting a university course and that she understands if we also don't buy for her children.
Would you continue to buy for her children in this situation?

OP posts:
worraliberty · 22/09/2011 16:18

Yes because I don't give to receive.

How odd to put the note in the card though?

Plus there are plenty cheap bits in the pound shop for example that she could wrap up and give. Kids always need pens, paints and paper.

FabbyChic · 22/09/2011 16:19

No it would make her feel uncomfortable.

KittyWalker · 22/09/2011 16:20

Yes I would also continue to buy for them.

Uglymush · 22/09/2011 16:20

I would still buy, as it is not the kids fault their parent can't afford presents. But I do think it is a bit odd of your SIL, like worraliberty said there are plenty of cheap yet nice gifts out there

moominliz · 22/09/2011 16:22

I find that she sent a note a bit odd however, I would never dream of not getting my nieces and nephews gifts simply because their mother couldn't afford to reciprocate

Crosshair · 22/09/2011 16:22

No, it would make me feel weird/poor if I was the person who couldnt afford to return the gesture.

Springyknickersohnovicars · 22/09/2011 16:23

Not the kids fault, if you can afford it then buy for them, it's not for the SIL.

TheOriginalFAB · 22/09/2011 16:24

I would still buy.

slavetofilofax · 22/09/2011 16:27

I'd give them a selection box at Christmas, because that probably wouldn't make sil feel bad, and I would give presents only if my dc were going to a birthday party of theirs.

Otherwise, your own dc could end up feeling that it is unfair. I know they should learn that giving is not about recieving and all that, but they would have to be very saintly children indeed not to feel even a little hard done by.

islawhiter · 22/09/2011 16:28

I would write her a letter of support and say what she is doing is fantastic and not to worry about extra expenditure (eg presents) and just send a present to her at xmas for all the family like gift card or fancy food stuff, that they can all enjoy. I dont blame the lady, hats off to her, xmas now is a time of extra expenditure, debt and stress for many people, its time to enjoy the finer things in life eg. education, family, simplicity, etc, etc

Kewcumber · 22/09/2011 16:30

depends on how old your/her childrne were and relatively how well off you are.

Difficult to "exchange" presents one way when your DC's are similar ages. Why not suggest that you put what you might have spent into a savings account for them or buy them a family pass to legoland (or something) if they are going to be very hard up and you are not.

gaaagh · 22/09/2011 16:32

It depends on how it would be received. My automatic answer is Yes.

but i wouldn't if i thought it would rub things the wrong way / be taken wrongly i.e. guilt her into buying things she can't afford for the next few years.

i think a note is quite considerate -it's to the point, spares her any embrassment, and lets you all know where you stand.

girlywhirly · 22/09/2011 17:16

I would either scale down the cost of gifts to the children only, or at Christmas give a modest present for them all to enjoy. If you're local it could be homemade cake or something like that decorated for Christmas by your DC.

I was in the position once where friends with 3 DC were getting Christmas gifts from both me and my exH and his wife so their kids got 2 gifts each while my DS only got 1. I sent them a family gift after that, biscuits or something, which actually they were happier with being consumable, and less 'stuff' in their house.

Pandygirl · 22/09/2011 17:38

Yes, of course you carry on buying gifts, unless you are starting a university course?

Lotkinsgonecurly · 22/09/2011 17:47

I'm sure they'd be as happy with a fun, thoughtful family gift. Maybe something they could do together as a family. Season ticket to local safari park, fun museum National Trust or something.?

stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 22/09/2011 18:29

I'd ask her what she would prefer, I would want to keep buying as long as she would not be embarrassed which is probably the reason for the note rather than face to face discussion

pippilongsmurfing · 22/09/2011 18:31

I would still buy, if you love your DN's why would you not?

horsemadgal · 22/09/2011 18:57

I'd say yippee, some more crossed off the Christmas present list (far too many to buy for here) and be grateful that she was the one that instigated it.
Though I'd probably still buy them a selection box or similar.

Choufleur · 22/09/2011 19:00

I would probably just buy them something little.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 22/09/2011 19:01

I don't think it's that odd to send the letter. I would guess that she's the sort of person who would feel bad about buying a very small gift, if previous gifts have been expensive. It was quite brave of her to do that, so I'd want to respect that, eve if I'd like to send a little gift.

trixymalixy · 22/09/2011 19:03

I would, but only if it wouldn't make her feel awkward. I would maybe scale down the amount I would spend or buy a family present.

pigletmania · 22/09/2011 20:43

Yes I would because I buy to make people happy, not to expect a present in return, especially as they are children.

troisgarcons · 22/09/2011 20:47

"SIL children"

Would that be nephews and neices in the real world?

ballstoit · 22/09/2011 20:52

Well, I bought for DNs prior to having my own children, and my brothers buy for my DCs even though they havent got children yet. One of my friends has 1 child, she still buys for all 3 of my DC even though I only buy for 1 of hers.

TBH though, it depends why you're asking...if it's because you're worried about embarassing her, then I'd say you should still buy and drop her a note of support in her course. If it's because you are peed off you'll be buying for her DC when she's not for yours, then don't, because your resentment will cause embarassment and spoilt the sentiment of gift buying anyway.

babynamesgrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 22/09/2011 21:05

If I were SIL I would be embarrassed to receive gifts if I couldn't reciprocate.

But if I were OP I would feel awkward not sending like I was being tit for tat.

This fence is pokey.