Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To think there are still lines you don't cross?

45 replies

BookNerd · 22/09/2011 14:25

Or maybe it should be - AIB naive?

In short... AIBU to think that making a play (sending risque texts etc) for a man with a wife and baby daughter is totally unacceptable or is all really fair in love and war?

I know it takes two to tango but I thought there were lines you didn't cross?

I'm so angry! (btw this isn't my DH we're talking about)

OP posts:

Catslikehats · 22/09/2011 16:05

Whilst it is certainly nothing to be proud of it's hardly the lowest of the low - I can think of much worse behaviour.

Sheep - any father and partner who allows his head to be turned by a child is not someone you want to be involved with.

CailinDana · 22/09/2011 16:07

I can honestly say that if my DH ran off with someone I would not hold her accountable at all. My DH is a grown man and can make his own decisions. Even if she rubbed her naked body over him daily I wouldn't hold her accountable as he can easily stop her from doing that (probably by reporting her to the police!) and he can say no. It's not mature to go after a married person but the married person is the one with the responsibility to put an end to it.

slavetofilofax · 22/09/2011 16:15

I agree completely with CailinDana.

It is a horrible and selfish thing to do, but I can understand why people do it.

I will admit it. If I had especially strong feelings for a guy, and I believed he felt the same for me, I would make it known that I'd be interested whether or not there was a wife and baby on the scene. I wouldn't push it in any way, as much out of self respect as out of respect for his relationship, but I would make sure the guy knew that I wanted him and then leave him to make his own descision.

It would then be up to him to decide what he wanted, and whether or not he wanted to stay in his marriage. The answer would easily be a flat out no if it was a happy marriage and he loved his wife, therefore, I would not be capable of doing any harm.

It's never going to happen because I'm happily married and hopelessly in love with my own dh, but there you have it. The responsibility always has to lie with the person that made the commitment, not the person who's just taking a chance.

mumsamilitant · 22/09/2011 16:19

Well said Cailin. I would also question the other womans self esteem. I for one wouldn't want another persons partner.

Tchootnika · 22/09/2011 16:23

The answer would easily be a flat out no if it was a happy marriage and he loved his wife, therefore, I would not be capable of doing any harm.

Hmmm... quite an easy view to take, I suppose... conveniently ignoring how difficult and unsettling many people find the early stages of parenthood, how much stress there can be on relationships for so many reasons... which isn't to say that a father and partner isn't ultimately responsible for his own behaviour, just that making play for a man who's at this stage would involve denying this and would be a really shitty thing to do.

NacMacFeegle · 22/09/2011 17:05

I don't think it's a great plan.

But I don't think solid, happy relationships can be derailed by a bit of temptation - there is something wrong at the root of it if that can happen so easily.

I am inclined to agree that the responsibility for keeping cock in pants belongs to the person who has promised to do so.

Tenacity · 22/09/2011 17:26

slavetofilofax If I had especially strong feelings for a guy, and I believed he felt the same for me, I would make it known that I'd be interested whether or not there was a wife and baby on the scene. I wouldn't push it in any way, as much out of self respect as out of respect for his relationship, but I would make sure the guy knew that I wanted him and then leave him to make his own descision.

I could never do the above, simply because I was raised to believe that a married person is out of bounds, and that has served me very well in life.

There are plenty of 'fish in the sea' as it is, so why go for let a married man know that you are interested?
So if he decided to go with you, would you want to be happy at someone's expense? or would you even be happy in that situation? I'm not convinced.

I wonder if you would feel the same if another woman let your partner know they were interested?

Tenacity · 22/09/2011 17:31

I do agree too that the man who goes off with another woman is very much to blame.
The focus should not be too much on the other woman as tends to happen.

beatrixkitto · 22/09/2011 17:42

Tenacity, I agree with you, however if my dh were to ever cheat with another woman, and she knew he was married, she would feel my wrath as much as he would.

Tenacity · 22/09/2011 18:25

beatrixkitto: You would be quite justified. If she is woman enough to go with a married man, she should be woman enough to face your wrath!

IreneHeron · 22/09/2011 18:35

Personally I couldn't trust someone who was unfaithful to their wife, I'd always be looking out for their next affair so that's why I'd never nick another woman's husband. That is aside from it being a shitty thing to do.

booyhoo · 22/09/2011 18:36

sheep your EX left you for a child and yet no name calling for him? but she is 'slaggy'? no, sorry, but a man who is sleeping with two people, one of them only just legal is the 'slaggy' one (hate that word but you used it).

confussed · 22/09/2011 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OpenMouthInsertFoot · 22/09/2011 19:16

It's horrible for someone to 'go after' someone they know is already in a relationship (that is not an 'open' relationship)

however, that someone could strip stark naked and cover themselves in lager/whiskey/chocolate/syrup and beg the other person to take them, take them now - and that person should say NO. I will not betray my partner.

Nobody forces anyone to cheat. No matter how much they flirt, no matter how many suggestions they make. Responsibility for the cheating rests one hundred percent with the cheater.

They chose to betray the person they claim to love.

pamplemousse · 22/09/2011 19:21

YANBU being the wife with a child who had this happen to me and my now ex, I say NOT COOL!
Having said that I totally agree with cognito as she has ended up with the easily flattered grass may be greener knob all for herself!

BelleDameSansMerci · 22/09/2011 19:26

And did the husband respond, perchance? IME, that's when it all gets a bit blurred...

Shutupanddrive · 22/09/2011 19:29

That is a Line that should never be crossed. YANBU

pamplemousse · 22/09/2011 19:35

I meant the texter ended up with my knob of an ex, not you cognito!! Sorry ;)

fedupofnamechanging · 22/09/2011 19:50

Everyone wants to believe that in a happy marriage, the married person would turn down an offer. But it is possible imo to catch someone when they are going through a rough time and they will may behave in a way that they wouldn't ordinarily.

Yes, ultimate responsibility lies with the married person, and I've never understood why often the OW is blamed and the cheating man gets forgiven. Still, while ultimate responsibility lies with the person who made the commitment, if you are the sort of person who thinks it's okay to flirt/make a play for a married man, then it doesn't reflect at all well on you either. Like it or not, it makes a woman look like she is has no moral values and is cheap.

Why would any woman want a man who is capable of cheating on his wife and betraying his family. Does she have no more self worth than that? apart from anything else, if he can cheat on his wife, it doesn't bode well for the future. I wouldn't want a man like that!

missmogwi · 22/09/2011 20:27

I'm with Cognito
This has happened to me personally and my ex left me for the OW. I blame him more than her(although she is an absolute biatch) as he cheated, lied and was and is an absolute bellend.

She has done me a massive favour, good luck to her

If the bloke (or woman) can't resist then they are not worth having in the first place.

Flip

1 2