More of a what would be reasonable?

[Helenagrace]

DS is in a class with a boy who is being assessed for ADHD and ASD (not my diagnosis, have had a few conversations with mum who has been very open). He gets fixated on other children and can be quite aggressive (again information from the mum so don't flame me).

At the moment he is fixated on DS. There were a couple of incidents last week but yesterday he came home with a cut on his finger and a graze on the side of his hand after being pushed over and today he has come home with a graze on his face and a sore groin after being pushed over and punched in the groin. DS was a bit shaken at hometime but seems ok now. He said he asked the boy to leave him alone but he wouldn't. I've told DS that the boy maybe doesn't understand when DS wants to play with other children.

I'm going into school tomorrow. What would be reasonable for me to say and ask for? Is it unreasonable to ask the school to manage this fixation thing? Is that even possible? Should I talk to the mum as well or instead of the school? Is it reasonable for me to try to explain ADHD and ASD to a six year old or will I just land myself in more trouble if he doesn't keep that information to himself?

I know the mum had a tough time in the playground last year because of some stuff like this. I know that some of the mums deliberately blanked her in the playground and called her son "psycho boy" (yeah we have some pretty stupid parents at our school). I really don't want to make it worse for her. She has it tough enough already. But I need to protect my little boy.

Please don't turn this thread into a "be nasty about SN children" thread - I would hope Mumsnet is done with those. I like the fact that Ds's school isn't one that hounds out children with special needs. Let's keep it about the school and not the boy if we can.

I don't have any advice as have no experience in this area, but wanted to note how well you put your question

i would ask what is the schools policy on bullying

i would ask that the child be taken out of the class if he cannot behave himself as he will be disrupting the class

If only more mums had your understanding

You do need to protect your son and I think the best thing would be to talk to the school and let them deal with it initially.

Please keep talking to the mum, it will mean so much to her. If you feel comfortable and she raises the subject, ask her how she thinks you should talk to your son.

My DS's school allowed him to go into the library during breaks if he was frustrated which cut down the number of times he got into trouble in the playground (ASD)

I agree with Kayano - a question very well put, and deserving of thoughtful replies.

As you get on with the other mum I think it would be worth telling her that there have been some minor but slightly worrying incidents between your DC. Also that you need to speak to the school, but would she like to be involved in the conversation?

If you, she and the teacher can sit round a table for 10 minutes I think you might get a long way.

If you don't talk to the other mum she may feel a bit slighted?

I think that you need to focus on how the school intends to keep your son and the other boy safe; one day the other boy may fixate on someone who is not as reasonable as your DS, so this behaviour needs addressing for his sake as much as for the other children's.

I too think you have a good approach to this issue.

Thank you for the good ideas. I was wondering if the mum might be upset if didn't talk to her. I'm thinking about saying that I was planning to talk to the school because the problem actually is their playground supervision. They know about her son's difficulties so they should be doing something to help. I'll let school know I'm happy to sit round the table with the other mum in case they think it will help as well.

Great point about the boy also being at risk if he gets fixated on a child who fights back.. I hadn't thought about that angle at all.

Thank you for the kind words about my question. I spent a lot of time trying to word it so it wouldn't end up as an anti-SN threads.

agree with Kayano.

I would speak to the school to see what is being done

Go in and speak to the school, just as I'm sure you would if any other child was treating your son this way.

At the end of the day it's your job as a Mother to protect your child and it's their job as a school when they're in loco parentis.

Whether or not it turns out the child has SN will be between the child's mother and the school.

I would want to know (speaking as the parent of a child with SN). depending on how well you know the mum, you could appraoch in different ways. obviously she will feel bad, but you could approach her with a heads up that school might want ot talk to her, and not go into full details of injuries etc (although I would again want to know - knowing exactly what behaviours are occurring, and when/where are instrumental in trying to tackle them)

I think you are thinking through the issues well, adn you are right - the school is not keeping your ds safe (nor the other boy, either).

I think it is possible to explain ASD to a 6 year old - there are some good resources to help with this.

approaching the school is not a bad idea either, but I would want to know as a parent because this information could be potentially useful to me - to back up the need for extra funding, for eg, and from experience I know that schools do not always make use of situations like this in that way.

Just a little update. I spoke to the other mum and the school and now have a three pronged approach - me, the other mum and school. Things were much better yesterday.

Thanks for all the advice.