Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

regarding this playdate

48 replies

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 21/09/2011 15:55

Ok, get to school this afternoon a tad frazzled this afternoon [understatement emoticon] . Life is frenetic at the moment and I'm finding things a bit much . Anyway, DC2 asks can he go to his friend's for tea, friend's parent says that's fine ,all good. DC2's friend has a sibling in DC3's class, as I am walking away after thanking this parent profusely for having DC2 over the parent pipes up "My younger DC would like to come to yours for tea" and looks at me expectantly. I really can't have this child over tonight, DC1, DC3 and 4 both have things on, I have a meeting to go to and quite frankly I'm bloody knackered.
I have now agreed to have this child over another night even though that night is equally frenetic just so I didn't look too mean but I just feel a bit had. AIBU in thinking that you wait to be invited or am I being a cowbag?

OP posts:

AuntieMonica · 21/09/2011 16:20

get off are you a shit mother!

the other parent was pushing her luck, you don't invite kids to get an invite in return, you invite kids if you want them to come to your house.

Countingwiththecount · 21/09/2011 16:24

In my experience, the friend of your DC2 would have initiated it and both children would have left school and asked their mothers simultaneously. (I.e. I don't think your son had invited himself!)
YANBU- she was cheeky. She probably just wants to be proactive though and thinks highly enough of your DC2 to want your DC3 as a friend of her child. That being said, as neither your DC3 or her child have iniated it I don't think she went about it in the right way.

MrsVoltar · 21/09/2011 16:28

YANBU, its 'normal' to wait to be invited, although DC's do sometimes try to invite themselves, its unusual for mums to do it, IME.

But, does need to be reciprocal, at time when you choose to invite them.

aldiwhore · 21/09/2011 16:29

No no nOOOOOO YANBU.

However, in for a penny, so if I invite one child who has a sibling, I invite them both and surrender to the stress, then I feel 'owed'.

I have one in the bank with one mum, after thinking it was a great idea to do my own Pizzaria in the kitchen, cheese got trampled through the house, and I was on the gin at 6.31pm after they left.... but at least its out of the way.

Playdates aren't swapsies. They're for the kids mostly but around here we also view them as a bit of time out for the parent who's handing them over.

PrincessTamTam · 21/09/2011 16:31

YANBU I think kids should be taught to always wait to be asked, I am mortified if one of mine asks to go to someone's house, so the same goes for parents. Unless it's a very good friend and you ask each other for favours for good reasons, which is different. I know the feeling when you have too many kids doing too many things and frankly are knackered.

Personally, I think having kids to my house is easier than the other way round cos by 6pm, I am usually too tired to bother going out to collect them! There are those cheeky mares who don't collect til really late though, that's bang out of order especially when you have younger ones with bath/bedtimes to adhere to....In fact playdates can be a pain can't they?!

Squeakytoy -You are right about the olden days when they didn't really exist... what happened to them?

aldiwhore · 21/09/2011 16:35

When were these olden days because when I was a kid we had friends over for tea a lot (though they weren't called playdates).

Eglu · 21/09/2011 16:41

I think YANBU at all. Also don't agree at all that it is necessary to reciprocate at all. Although you are happy to, it should be on your terms.
The other Mum was being cheeky.

betterwhenthesunshines · 21/09/2011 16:44

but I think in the olden days when we were young :o it was more a mass feeding session. Well, it was wehere we lived - one did Monday nights, someone else did Wednesdays. The mums chatted and drank wine and we just played. But we didn't have loads of after school clubs / children at different schools / piano lessons / ballet lessons / tennis.....

RockStockAndTwoOpenBottles · 21/09/2011 16:45

I was wondering the same aldiwhore (love the name, love it), as we all had friends over after school or went to friends' houses for play and supper.

When my older three were primary age, all three were allowed one friend after school for play/supper on the same day. Experience told me that one day with 6 kids was far far better than 3 days with four. Sometimes there were more, but tbh, whether it's 6 or 10 children, there will still be noise, mess etc but they all appeared to play much more nicely, the more there were .

But to the original OP - no, I don't think you are BU at all.

stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 21/09/2011 16:48

squeakytoy I know what you mean I feel as if I have adopted two extra children some weeks when they sleepover so often then forget I have a Ds when they return the favour and I haven't seen him all weekend.

ledkr · 21/09/2011 16:55

NO YOU ARE NOT BU. How rude,i have never been able to do them much cos work but since on mat leave i allow dd to have a friend every couple of weeks,however i do not expect anything in return.Thats a chance you take if you ask someone.
I used to moan about on girls Mum who never asked dd back and it turned out there were horrendous problems for them

PrincessTamTam · 21/09/2011 16:55

Ahhh obviously I am much older than you lot! It was a looooong time ago but I don't remember having friends over much except on special occasions... There were 4 of us though so maybe we just didn't need other kids to play with.

The whole sleepovers thing is definitely new and not in a good way IMO.

letmehelp · 21/09/2011 17:03

PrincessTamTam - I always take them home that way their parent's can't be late

The whole coming home for team only lasts a few years IME, by the time they're old enough to "knock" for each other, they get chucked out at tea time go home for tea

ledkr · 21/09/2011 18:41

letmehelp i take them home or the parents pick them up and stand yapping for hours at the busiest time of the day fgs. Someone stayed nearly an hour once,after half an hour i felt bad cos hadnt offered a drink or a seat but didnt want to then as it would make them stgay longer.The baby was screaming to go to bed and still she yaddered on

MangoMonster · 21/09/2011 18:58

Yanbu! Blimey, think it's a but rude.

bubby64 · 21/09/2011 19:24

no YANBU, but I can't be of much help as I have just found I have no backbone either when it comes to saying no to sudden playdates!
I have had my DS's and their friend standing at the door this evening saying "Mum, I have told that we are having sausages for tea, and he said he likes that better than mince, so when I told his mum he can have tea with us, she said it was OK, but he had to be bought home by 7pm!!!"
I could not belive that his mum had sent her son to our house for tea and play after and for us to walk him home without even a quick phonecall to check it was all right with me!
Mind you, when I send my 2 over hers for Sunday lunch this weekend, she will have to feed them

pigletmania · 21/09/2011 20:17

I would have said that you were busy tonight, but you will look in your diary and come up with some days that will be mutually convient.

zipzap · 21/09/2011 22:28

What would happen if you were to contact the other mum asap (text/phone/email/playground/etc) and say that you've just looked in your diary and realised that the date you'd arranged has lots on already that can't be changed and it's not going to be fun for their dc to be in the car most of the time delivering the others to their after school clubs/going to your meeting/whatever else you have on that particular night, but instead how about xxx date.

She isn't to know all the other things that you have packed in to your life after school - just claim it's been a bad day as well as being a horribly busy one and when you were put on the spot to make the arrangements you didn't have all your info with you and forgot.

As long as you're nice about it and apologetic (hopefully it's not tomorrow) there's not really a lot that she can say, especially if you are offering an alternative date! Just because she is able to invite a child to tea at the last minute doesn't mean that the other parent will be also able to invite a sibling back - one thing to drag your own child around when siblings have things on, very different when it's somebody else's child who is expecting to play. Playdates (or alternate siblings!) don't need to be reciprocated the same week, and it's perfectly understandable if you are busy to have forgotten something if you get put on the spot for arranging a playdate.

sounds like you have had a bad busy day - hope it's all calmed down now!

snailoon · 21/09/2011 22:48

I have never encountered such a group of unfriendly people. It is lovely having extra kids over to play, and when it happens spontaneously it is even nicer. I love being able to help people out, (or to ask for help myself) and I have had many friendly chats over a cup tea or glass of wine at pickup time. Don't you remember how much fun it was to have friends over when you were little, and didn't you ever beg for a sleepover, expecting Mum to say "No", and then occasionally getting a surprise "Yes"?

Feminine · 22/09/2011 02:37

snailoon you sound lovely :) I WISH I could be as enthusiastic as you!

I find play-dates really stressful,even though I am naturally quite sociable

Maybe I just need a bigger house... to get the ball rolling?

ledkr · 22/09/2011 08:25

feminine i have a fairly big house and i still dont care for playdates,more room to make mess in

pigletmania · 22/09/2011 08:40

I agree the woman wad cheeky to ask. Why should op have the kids because someone asked, should be arranged at a mutually convenient time. I would hate to have that sprung on my unless there was an emergency, than I could try and rearrang my plans.

Eglu · 22/09/2011 14:17

snailoon I don't think the op is being unfriendly. It really didn't suit her to have this playdate, and then was forced into another date that didn't suit.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread