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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Step Mum coming to bday party

24 replies

whatever17 · 20/09/2011 22:55

Ex-DH and I have been split up for 10 years, SM has been on the scene for 8 years. It is our DS2's 12th bday party this sat. I asked xdh whether we could go together. My reasoning was that we have to take x amount of kids and could take an extra one in his car. he said no way, she is part of the family. i said to exh - i feel like an idiot - we are going paintballing - me and her will be sitting there reading books whilst everyone is p/balling.

exh said tough shit - get on with it.

she is a nice woman but - fuxake - i feel like The Broons

OP posts:

worraliberty · 20/09/2011 22:57

Sorry but that's a pretty crap reason to exclude her

You'll just have to suck it up and just think...you've got her 18th, 21st and perhaps a wedding to get through in the future.

This'll be a walk in the park

squeakytoy · 20/09/2011 22:58

YABU, she is a part of his, and your childrens family. Why should she be excluded?

Kayano · 20/09/2011 22:59

I would be foaming if my DHs ex wanted to do something with just him when I had been with him for 8 years tbh.

CompleteMug · 20/09/2011 22:59

YABU OP.
You're setting a shite example for your kids.

AKMD · 20/09/2011 23:06

YABU; it's a bit mean to leave her out. I assume you talk to her normally so why shouldn't she come along and hang out with you?

switchtvoffdosomelessboring · 20/09/2011 23:14

Why don't you all do paintballing and you can have the pleasure of shooting her ?

missmogwi · 20/09/2011 23:15

See I think you will have to suck it up for your DS sake. Do you get on ok? You might get on like a house on fire you never know.

My exp new wife is an absolute mentalist and was the OW so she wouldn't come to anything I was at. So I'm saved from this situation forever.

workshy · 20/09/2011 23:16

does your daughter want her there?

only question I would be asking

pigletmania · 20/09/2011 23:17

YABVU she is your dh wife so why should she be left out unless there is a good legitimate reason.

CointreauVersial · 20/09/2011 23:18

Make friends with her.

Go on, try it.

She'll be part of your life (via your kids) for many years to come.

My mum and stepmum are always great to each other and it improved my childhood no end having none of that awful tension most stepfamilies seem to endure.

worraliberty · 20/09/2011 23:22

I don't get the logistics anyway.

Why can't your Ex take his DW and the extra kid in his car?

mynewpassion · 21/09/2011 02:41

Agree with your ex. Tough shit, she's part of the family, and get on with it.

moreyear · 21/09/2011 05:40

YABU to assume that you and exh could go as a 'family' and exclude SM- but if it is any consolation I am sure she is feeling as apprehensive as you.

porcamiseria · 21/09/2011 09:42

yabu

mamofK · 21/09/2011 09:44

why don't you go paintballing too? problem solved, and you'll get to work off some of your anger!

pictish · 21/09/2011 09:44

yabu, yes

hayleysd · 21/09/2011 09:45

Yabu and I would have been really annoyed too if I had been there for 8 years and you tried to go as a family! Just take 2 cars then you can fit even more kids in!

ConstanceNoring · 21/09/2011 09:52

I think it's very unreasonable of you to ask this, you are making a 'thing' of it and it doesn't need to be. You should all be happy that DS is comfortable for everyone to be there, you've got this far - he's 12, - don't let him see that you think you should be going with your exH and not her, not fair on him.

spookshowangellovesit · 21/09/2011 09:52

i was ready to come on here as a soon to be official sm and say god i would never expect to go to sd birthday party expecting her to be like 5. mostly also because dp ex seems to hate me with the fire of a million suns. but in this case i think you are wrong. if the party was at your house fair play but, 8 years comes on, time to suck it up. go paint balling with them if you want to avoid chit chat thats what i would do.

fedupofnamechanging · 21/09/2011 10:03

Even if it was at your house, it would be rude to exclude her, unless she was the OW (which she isn't).

deaconblue · 21/09/2011 11:53

why are you bothered about someone who wasn't the cause of your marriage break up?

ionysis · 21/09/2011 12:54

Totally unreasonable. She is married to your ex and whether you like it or not a parental figure in your child's life. Grow up.

Marymaryalittlecontrary · 21/09/2011 14:16

My mum is stepmum to my dad's 2 oldest kids. As a child I remember going to a few events such as siblings' engagement parties, and all of us sitting at the same table as my dad's ex and her new husband. My mum was never excluded as far as I am aware and the 2 women just got on together because that's what adults do. They were never best friends but were always able to make polite chit chat. Consequently my half siblings have always had good relationships with their mum and mine, and still see mine regularly even though our dad died 3 years ago.

But, if your ex literally said 'tough shit' etc then he was unreasonable to put it like that. He could easily have said, "my wife is coming too but we can easily fit another child in the car too."

Original poster

whatever17 · 24/09/2011 23:54

I took all of your advice on board - we went to the paintballing party today. She isn't his wife. She is a very nice woman - but what fucks me off is that she has added 3 years onto their relationship which would mean that they were together whilst we were together.

Which genuinely isn't true - he didn't meet her until after we had been split up for 1.5 years. I know it sounds weird, but by her reckoning they met whilst I was giving birth to our son. I genuinely remember him meeting her. We were in my house today and she said "that is such a sweet photo" I said "I know, that is when we (me and ex-DH took DS to blah blah for his 3rd bday" I could see she was puzzled - I said "you hadn't met him then - DC was 3.5 when you met ex-DH".

OP posts:

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