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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is the nursery?

47 replies

wastedwaist · 20/09/2011 12:52

My DS (2:11) is having a bit of trouble potty training. He has had quite a few health problems (pneumonia, heart defect, asthma) and although is in good health now is quite sensitive and 'babyish' He did have problems with his speech but is better at being understood now.

His nursery are really REALLY pushing the potty training. They say that at his age he should be fully trained by now and that all his peers have been trained. He will sit on the potty for them but is wetting himself a couple of times a day. He will not sit on the potty at home. He gets really distressed. I have tried everything I can think of (...treats, big boys pants with his favourite characters, sitting on the big loo.....his sister has sat on the potty, I have, heck even DH sat on it!!) He just isn't convinced, says no and is quite happy with nappies....

....anyway all his friends have been moved up to the next room at nursery and he is with smaller children. He is quite tall for his age so it is really noticable. They say that unless he has special needs he cannot go into the next room but I think he should be allowed to go in there to improve his speech, play with his friends, see them use the potty and then (hopefully) it will all fall into place.

AIBU to think that this seems really unfair?

OP posts:

BlueFergie · 20/09/2011 15:51

I would not be happy to leave my child in such an unspupportive and inflexible environment. Plenty of kids aren't trained until after 3. It is outrageous to hold him back like this. I would be moving him somewhere else unless they agreed to move him.

pigletmania · 20/09/2011 15:51

Yanbu at all. I would be looking for another nursery tbh, they don't sound good at all. If he is not ready he is not ready, the more he is forced the worse it will become and hd will be stressed. Keeping him back because if this is unacceptable and I would be having words with the manager

Miette · 20/09/2011 15:53

I agree with sunnydelight who wrote "It doesn't sound like a very nurturing environment tbh. I can't believe they won't move him to the next room just because he isn't potty trained. YANU to be upset - is a different nursery an option?"

MuddlingMackem · 20/09/2011 16:06

YANBU but they are BVU. I can't believe they would hold a child back because they're not potty trained. Just because they don't have nappy changing facilities in the 3+ room doesn't mean they can't have a child in nappies there, they still have the facilities in the building.

I was really complacent about potty training with ds as he was day dry by 2.4 and night dry by 2.6, but I got my comeuppance with dd. We tried, and failed, at 2.7, again at about 3.1 but she wasn't ready until 3.8 and a week or so later she was night dry too. We were totally wasting our time pushing it earlier but it would have been totally unfair to hold her back at nursery because of it, she was level or ahead of her peers in other things. Definitely check with Ofsted but don't let the nursery get away with such laziness, it's totally wrong of them to in effect punish him for not being developmentally ready. :(

Miette · 20/09/2011 16:42

I started potty training at the same age with both my girls (2 and three quarters) One got it in two days (dd2) and the other took months and months of accidents (dd1) and in fact my elder girl was wettign the bed later than her younger sister. Some kids are just physically ready earlier and it is not the fault of the parents.

Original poster

wastedwaist · 21/09/2011 10:13

Just an update for all those who gave such great advice.....

I went to see the nursery last night and said how unhappy i was at DS being kept behind because he was not potty trained. The manager said it was because they did not have the facilities to change him in that room. She said that children with SN can move up.I said that I felt his needs were not being met and i was really concerened that as his friends had all moved up his self esteem was being affected as well as his speech not being moved on as he was not playing with his peers.

This morning when I dropped him off they completely changed tack and said that children move up to the next room when they are 3 (DS is 3 next month) whether or not they are trained and it is a funding issue (they move up when they get their free 15 hours) and it is not a SN issue at all.

DH has made an appointment to see the manager for clarification, but we are moving him asap anyway as we are so unhappy at the way that he has been treated.

Thanks for the advice eveyone, greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

ballstoit · 21/09/2011 11:45

Hmm, if they have no facilities to change him, how would they cope with a SN child? Are all the other children who have moved up already 3?

I think you're doing the right thing in moving him, but think I would put a call into Ofsted if you have the time...other parents may not be as on the ball as you, and they're not doing what they should be with this.

SurprisEs · 21/09/2011 11:51

Was about to post the same about the lack of facilities. How would they cope with a SN child? Sounds like laziness to me. Excuses, excuses.

ionysis · 21/09/2011 12:03

Isn't it a strange "coincidence" that the more prevalent the use of disposable nappies has become the later children are potty trained. I recently read this:

"In the 1950s, almost a 100% of children wore cloth diapers and 95% of these children were trained by the age of 18 months.

In the 1980s, about 50% of children wore cloth diapers, while the other 50% wore disposable diapers and only about 50% of the children were potty trained by the age of 18months.

Today, almost 90-95% of children wear disposable diapers and only about 10% of children are potty trained by the age of 18 months.

Today, the average age for potty training is about 30 months with the age ranging from 18-60 months."

Perhaps if more parents started potty training when their child was younger as used to happen in previous generations we WOULDN'T see so many 3 year + olds in nappies.

Saying that - you are paying for their services so they should accomodate your childs needs.

SurprisEs · 21/09/2011 12:12

I do think you are right about the disposables being a factor in potty training delay.
I also think as parents this generation is trying to think of it's Childs needs and development before 'the norm'.

But it is not up to the nursery to decide when the child is ready or to treat the parent/child in this way.

AKMD · 21/09/2011 12:17

YANBU and well done for considering moving him, the nursery sounds dreadful. DS is in the baby room and I know that older children who move up but haven't been potty-trained are brought back into the baby room for changes. It's the same with naps: if a child in the older classes needs a nap, they are brought back into the baby room to sleep. Simple.

ionysis isn't that because babies wearing cloth nappies can feel when they are wet, while dispoable nappies soak up moisture so quickly that babies don't realise? DS is 18 months and we have a potty that he sits on, fully-clothed, occasionally but I have no intention of potty-training him until next summer. I had much rather get it over and done with in 2 weeks that try to force the issue now and upset him and me. My friend whose baby was in cloth nappies has tried with her 20 month-old and it was just a disaster that was stressful for everyone.

ThoseArentSpiritFingers · 21/09/2011 12:27

I think the issue with late potty trainers is that nappies are to 'high-tech' and comfy. when a nappy is advertised as keeping the child dry for a fortnight (slight exaggeration...) then the child will not notice they are wet, so not uncomfortable, so no need to change things.

something to consider if child is not interested in potty training is downgrading to more basic nappies, so that if the child is wet they are uncomfortable, so there is a desire on the childs side to use the toilet.

bumpybecky · 21/09/2011 12:30

I have 4 dc, all now potty trained.

dd1 was in cloth from 1year old and was reliably trained by 2.9
dd2 in cloth from birth, wore maybe 10 disposable nappies ever, trained at 3.3
dd3 in cloth 95% of time, trained at 3.5
ds in cloth until approx 18 months, then disposables full time, trained at 3.3

I think the main reason that children now potty train later is that our mothers and grandmothers used to consider sitting on the potty every hour and lots of accidents in between was trained!

Assume no medical issues, children potty train when they want to. Trying to force the issue will cause lots of stress and puddles :(

pigletmania · 21/09/2011 13:01

That is good op, sometimes you have to be tough. ionsis not necessarily, a couple of my friends used cloth nappies for their dc and they were not ready until 3 or over. Just because you put a child in pants at 18 months and sit them on the potty dies not mean they are ready, it may take months fir that child to be fully trained. If a child is not ready they are not ready. I tried to train dd at 2 she was not and had no concept but at 3 she did it

Rubyx · 21/09/2011 13:12

YANBU - my eldest was 2.5 when he was potty trained and my youngest 3.7 so it varies.

soverylucky · 21/09/2011 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

soverylucky · 21/09/2011 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MuddlingMackem · 26/09/2011 16:20

Another one saying that cloth or disposable doesn't make that much of a difference. See my earlier post about the ages my two were when they were dry. Both were in cloth up until they actually started training, at which point we had to start using disposable pull-ups. Which I hated with a passion!

aldiwhore · 26/09/2011 16:23

YANBU at all.

Neither of my boys ever used a potty, they flat refused. They started 'mimicking' daddy, and when they were ready (pulling off nappies constantly, asking to go to the loo etc) went straight to the big loo.

I'd be livid if I were you. Although my boys didn't go to Nursery, and went straight into pre-school at 2.5years old, there was no pressure to 'perform' or conform.

Wormshuffler · 26/09/2011 16:46

My DS was only just 4 when he started school and wet himself I would say at least 3 times a week for 6 months. Some kids are just later than others and the nursery is being totally unreasonable. Ask them when their next ofsted inspection is .............that'll make them more jittery. The questionaire question regagarding the setting meeting a childs personal needs would definately be a strongly disagree!

Groovee · 26/09/2011 17:19

As a Nursery Nurse, I am horrified at their attitude. When I worked in Private Nursery, I always went by the parent and child. Now in School Nurseries, we cannot refuse a child because they are not potty trained. I wouldn't be very happy with their change of tack either.

CardyMow · 26/09/2011 17:25

Gosh - My dc were all potty trained at different ages- when they were ready. DD was wearing knickers at 4.5yo - but not reliably dry during the day until 8.6yo, and at night until 12.5yo. (SN). DS1 was dry day and night (and never had an accident) at 18mo. DS2 (also SN) was dry in the day at 2.10yo (before he could walk!) and at night at 3.2yo (again STILL before he could walk).

So 3 dc, 3 different ages for being dry day and night. One average (2.10 / 3.2), one early (18mo day & night), One VERY late (8.6 / 12.5).

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