I paid for my friend to come on holiday ....

[hourglassindisguise]

A few years ago I had much more disposable income than one of my best friends so willingly paid for her and I to go on holiday when she was down to try and cheer her up. Now I am in a completely different financial situation (long irrrelevant story but every penny now counts) and so is she (she has a lot more disposable income than I ever did, which I only know as she freely talks about her salary and outgoings).

She has recently come into a sizable lump sum of money which she has enjoyed telling me how she plans to spend it and I've enjoyed hearing how happy she is and she definitely deserves it. I've heard through the grapevine that she is taking a new friend on holiday with some of this money. Of course it is her money, she can do whatever she likes and I didn't pay for her expecting anything back but when I asked her directly if she was planning to go away she said 'no' and has since lied twice about it, even though I said it would be great if she did, good to relax etc.

Now, am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt that she doesn't want to tell me the truth when I feel as though I've been a good friend to her? I admit I feel a bit sad she wouldn't want us to go together but I feel awful that she wants to lie. I'd be happy if she just bought a bottle of wine round for us to celebrate together but I feel totally forgotten now her life has improved.

You're not being unreasonable to feel sad and disappointed, OP. You've been a good friend to her and it's very tactless of her to talk about paying for and taking another friend on holiday and not you. Perhaps she's taking the concept of 'pay it forward' too much in the spirit.

Have you grown apart a bit, do you think?

yes, perhaps we have, although I do hear from her a lot if she is stressed about something and she comes to stay whenever she wants to visit her family (they live close to me but she doesn't like to stay the night with them)so perhaps I'm the dependable friend but she needs someone more exciting to go away with. I don't want to end up just being there to support her through the bad stuff whilst she has fun with everyone else!

YANBU - its sad that she feels she has to lie to you, she obv feels bad for taking someone else away.

I had a friend like that, I was there through all her shit (and believe me, there was loads) and then when I needed a friend when my mum was dying, she was nowhere to be seen....needless to say I took a massive step away from her after that and will never be there for her again.

Sounds like you have grown apart!

She probably feels guilty about taking another friend which is why she is lying.

If it were me (I am a bit of a direct person) I would tell her that I know she is taking X on holiday, good for her that she is going on hols but ask why she lied about it. That should initiate some honest discussion which will either reassure you about your friendship or provide the confirmation you need if the friendship iusn't really what it used to be.

Do you know for certain that she is taking this other friend on holiday though? Could it be that the person you heard it from got the wrong end of the stick, or maybe your friend was thinking about it and decided against it. It might be that she isn't lying to you....

she is a bit horrid

Thanks everyone. oggy I do know for sure, the holiday is booked, the friend she is going with is very excited and telling our mutual friends. I really hate being lied to (by anyone) and think I might have to take your advice and force myself to bring it up again

poor you - think she has used you a bit

I have a friend who only seems to contact me when she needs a favour, or help or something.

you need to move on

You sound very accepting andf fair. It is a shame she is lying to you but that may well come from knowing she's being a bit of a caaah. Deep down she will know she owes you one and probably feels too uncomfortable to be honest about it.

I think if you habitually play the role of the giver it makes the taker see you in that way, and that way alone. I would change the status quo in your friendship and see where it goes from there.

I wouldn't bring it up again personally but if you need to, maybe say that you hear she's going away and hope she has a good time. Rather than asking if, when you already know the truth.

On a recent trip out with friends I have found out a small group of them are going away. I want to organise a day out but now I know some of them wont be around on the day I have in mind. When I asked them both are you going away, guess what they both lied. Pathetic really we are not 14 anymore. Why do women do it? I have no idea.

biscuitmad exactly, I find men much less confusing to be friends with!! domedon i think that's a good point. i really would be sad if our friendship was beyond saving so changing my role a bit might be very revealing (hopefully in a positive way) angelinterceptor did you find it sort of crept up on you how the relationship changed? i'm glad i posted as it made me think about the last couple of years of our friendship

She sounds like she uses you tbh. You took her on holiday, she calls you mainly when she has problems, she stays with you when she needs a bed for the night - seems to be very one sided imo. I'd have a rethink about the friendship, or at least how much you invest in it, if I were you. And definitely ask her about the holiday.

Id be upset to, and although I'd try not to Im sure it would affect the friendship. Maybe she's one of those friends best kept at arms length....tricky if you have a lot of mutual friends though

YANBU to feel hurt

have it out with her, fuck it

better that than fuming internally

she wont like it, and you weill probably fall out, but you will have aired your feelings

but i think she needs to know how pissed off you are , and explain her reason for only using you when she needs something

life is to short for shit and selfish mates IMO

but I suspect a row is a coming

why dont you just say, when she says no im not going away, oh thats odd, cos Jane is telling people you are both going to X on such a such a date, is that not right then?