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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to call SS?

45 replies

nightowlmostly · 20/09/2011 09:34

I'm a bit concerned about my next door neighbour's kids but am not sure whether it is serious enough to warrant a call to social services or not. I don't want to make that call if it's nothing so wanted to see what you all thought of it!

Basically, I have posted about my newish neighbours a couple of times, as there is a lot of noise coming through the walls most days and it is doing my head in a little bit! The family consists of a mum and her 3 kids, two about 6 and 7, and one of about 2 or 3. She shouts at them a lot , all I can ever hear is her yelling and swearing at them.

The other day I was woken on a sunday morning by her coming into the bedroom next to ours, screaming at the littlest one "fucking hell, I've had enough" and more that I can't remember exactly, I was half asleep! It went on for a bit anyway, then she stomped off downstairs and I had to lie there and listen to the poor wee thing wailing for about twenty minutes by himself. He's only a baby really, it made me really angry that she would treat him this way.

I spoke to her only once, she seemed really young and sweet actually, which confused me because of what I hear all the time, I think she just has no idea how to deal with her kids. I must add at this point that I am expecting but have no kids as yet so I really don't want to sit and judge when I don't know how hard it must be but it just doesn't sit right with me. Sometimes when I hear her yelling I turn the TV off for a second to see if I can hear any slaps but I haven't yet so I think it's just verbal abuse.

So what do you think about it? I feel like she needs help, she's not coping, but I don't know if this is something that would concern SS. Any advice gratefully received!

OP posts:

Original poster

nightowlmostly · 20/09/2011 10:40

Thanks everlong it sounds like your situation was kind of similar to mine. There is a lot of banging and crashing about, I just don't know what goes on in there!

I don't have an HV yet, maybe if I'm still here then I will mention it. I'll look into surestart too, don't know much about it.

Thanks again x

OP posts:

HeadfirstForHalloween · 20/09/2011 10:54

I don't think you have selfish motives, and I believe you are concerned about the children. All I meant was that all the shouting must (understandably) be causing you upset, and that it could cloud your reasoning behind calling ss so be sure of the seriousness of it before you do.

You are the one hearing what she is saying, only you can judge how serious it is, but if you do have doubts call them. She may get some support.

Everlong · 20/09/2011 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 20/09/2011 11:05

please at least ask her if she has support from anyone, suggest she contact homestart and find out who her health visitor is, then at least for the poor kids sake you could ring or write expressing your concern that she's not coping. anon is you prefer. I wouldn't expect you to get involved with her but don't let the poor kids grow up in this hostile environment without doing something its not fair on them.

SwingingBetty · 20/09/2011 11:11

yes i would call SS and make them aware

RitaMorgan · 20/09/2011 15:49

If you think the children are being abused then you have to do something - call your nearest doctor's surgery/health centre/children's centre and speak to the HV team.

If you witness abuse and do nothing then you are complicit in that abuse.

mummytotwoboys · 20/09/2011 16:43

I dont think this warrants a call to SS. Who are we to decide she needs a "friend" or councelling, maybe this is how she deals with their behaviour. Its not right or wrong, its just a parenting method. Im a "shouty mum" I dont swear though - and isnt it better to shout than lash out at them? my kids know I love them and know that when Im in a shouty mood they should behave and play nicely. They also know how to push my buttons!!!!! Dont really think its "verbal abuse" - its not illegal to shout (or swear) at your kids is it? maybe they are little shits and she doesnt know how to discipline them?!? When your baby is 6 years old - see how much you shout

OpinionatedMum · 20/09/2011 16:54

Sounds like she is just a loudmouth to me. Swearing in front of kids is scummy but it's not abuse. Shouting and swearing may just be her way. Social services have bigger fish to fry and will do nothing about this. I would keep an eye on it in case you spot anything worse.

My kid (2)can cry for twenty minutes because I won't give him biscuits for breakfast. I let him get on with it. Parenting small children is very stressful and we all lose our temper at times. Doesn't make her abusive just human.

Dawndonna · 20/09/2011 17:06

please go to the NSPCC website and watch the video. It'll give you an idea.

If you call SS, they will not take the children with immediate effect. Usually what happens is the parent concerned is given coping strategies and an ongoing assessment is made of her capabilities. It is designed to help. Children going into care is a last resort for Social services. If you are concerned it is right to express your concern.

If you go via the NSPCC, watch the video and give them a ring. They will advise you about appropriate courses of action. If they are concerned they will report it and the SS have to respond within seven days. You can do this anonymously.

RitaMorgan · 20/09/2011 17:35

Shouting/swearing at children can be abusive - it can be emotional abuse. Of course it depends on what you are shouting and why, how often, whether the children are frightened because of it.

AmaraDresden · 20/09/2011 17:50

Having had SS called on me because I had a velcro baby/toddler who'd scream all the time, whenever I tried to go loo alone or make dinner, by students next door, I'd say you are over reacting. I would just stand there sometimes and go 'argggggh!' Because I was so frustrated, and having the police and then SS on my doorstep was terrifying when I was doing the very best I could. I then got even less sleep and depression, I started giving into DS2 to keep him quiet so the neighbours wouldn't think I'd battered him (I'm talking choc bars etc, he's like a mini dictator and he was going through the terrible twos).

I did start thinking to hell with them, and got on with parenting fairly whilst not letting him control the entire household. He's so much better now because of it. SS didn't do a thing, neither did the lovely police officers, they checked out dr and school records as I gave permission and that was the end of it all.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 20/09/2011 17:55

I don't really want to befriend her, that might sound harsh but she is making my life a misery with all the racket and as for taking the kids, I know nothing about them so that wouldn't really be a plan. They aren't well behaved either obviously, so there's no way I would ever get involved with them

To be fair, OP, I think this does make it sound a bit like you're just bothered about the disturbance to you. Your neighbour sounds like she could really do with some help - maybe a parenting course. Or just someone to talk to. Fair enough if you don't want that person to be you, but you could talk to someone at your GPs surgery, just to voice your concerns.

saladsandwich · 20/09/2011 17:55

i would be vary wary of ringing SS in this situation i'd definitely wait to see if anything else happens, if she shouts and swears at the kids and that is it i cannot see them doing much tbh and she will know that it was you who reported her too, even anonymously they'll still say why they are there to her which is a report from a neighbour about her shouting at the kids.

i would just be very careful, have you tried hinting to her the walls are paper thin, she might not realise how loud she is or she might think twice about shouting at the kids if she knows you can hear it, just a thought

lesley33 · 20/09/2011 18:07

I wouldn't be wary of ringing SS. Honest SS see some terrible situations. Shouting, swearing and being aggressive to your kids lots and lots may not be great parenting; but it pales into insignificance in comparison to many families SS deal with.

In any area I have worked SS would probably make a few phone calls to HV, GP and school to get their views. If there were no concerns raised they MAY have visited but might not have.

If these were the only issues SS would not have been interested although they may have given some verbal "advice" such as talk to your HV or go to Sure Start.

lesley33 · 20/09/2011 18:11

You should see some of the families I have worked with where SS wouldn't get involved. For example, 1 family with 2 young kids. Kids are always hungry, underweight, stealing food from other kids, and rarely dressed warmly enough. Kids quite quiet. Mother quite timid and poorly clothed as well. Father very well dressed with expensive clothing and pretty arrogant.

It always seemed as if the kids and mum were scared of the father. Kids telling me that they don't get fed lots of evenings. But SS didn't want to know.

Tchootnika · 20/09/2011 18:11

Hmm... There was a thread similar to this a few months ago where a father's behaviour was similar to OP's neighbour's. The general consensus seemed to be that similarly he wasn't coping, but that a call to Social Services would do no harm: if he needed help they'd identify this, same if children were at risk.
So on that basis, I'd say why should a call to Social Services be a problem? Surely it's likely to be more productive for all than OP lying awake listening to what might or might not be cause for concern, and OP's neighbour perhaps not get help that she needs.

stuckonthecountertop · 20/09/2011 18:13

I would just give SS a ring, just to settle your mind. There naybe more going on inside the house if she isn't coping. I know most people would have a go at this, but they can refer her for parenting courses etc if she needs it. That kind of thing can have an effect on kids, and it doesn't sound like the normal morning rush/occasionally stressed parent if it's everyday and sustained.
I know most people would say thats a bit of an assumption, but I work in that sector, and that way of 'being' with kids can cause issues later on, and sometimes parents just need a little chat to help them (or give them a kick up the arse!)
you've nothing to lose, it can even be anonymous, and you may not be the first to have called anyway. It will just put your mind at ease.

WilsonFrickett · 20/09/2011 18:18

My DM was a shouty mum. It's just her default setting. I try really, really hard not to follow in her footsteps, but it's my 'go to' when my buttons are pushed and it's not pretty. Nor is it particularly helpful. And of course DS now shouts back because he's learned that response so it sometimes sounds like all hell is breaking loose a bit noisy round ours. I'm aware of it and I'm doing my best to work through it.

What I'm saying is it's not necessarily a SS issue. I think befriending her would be the right thing to do, but if you don't want to then of course you don't have to. So you're left with HV or SS, really.

Flisspaps · 20/09/2011 18:19

Phone the Health Visitor first, or go and knock on the door seeing as you think normally she's nice enough. You don't have to become her best friend, but if she realises that you can hear her, it might make her rethink next time she goes to scream at them.

What I will say is that leaving the baby to cry for 20 minutes and shouting is probably a far more sensible option than her staying in the room with him/her getting more and more wound up and doing physical harm to him/her.

I remember advice from when DD was tiny (in various magazines and books) said that if it got too much, leave them to cry and go away and do something else to give yourself time to get away, and that the baby would probably calm down.

AmberLeaf · 20/09/2011 19:30

Calling SS would be an over reaction IMO

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