to not want my mother in law her all the time?

[Tanz825]

Hi,

My MIL is driving me crazy and i don't know what to do. I've always gotten on really well with my MIL to be, she is lovely and will do anything for anyone but since having my daughter she is driving me crazy. She is always asking if we are in the house so she can come around and i can't say no coz we are in the house but i don't want her coming around so much. She comes around about 4 - 5 times A WEEK! And she is always about an hour later that the time she says she will be here, like we have nothing better to do that wait around for her to come see her granddaughter. When she comes it is about 6.45 in the evening knowing full well that my daughter goes to bed at 7.30 so she is there watching me while i bath, change and feed my little girl. She usually comes with my partners sister also and as soon as they come through the door that are saying "its my turn first" meaning to hold my daughter like she's a doll to play with and when my daughter moans they say "aww what's the matter MY girl". I just feel like saying she's moaning coz she's tired and doesn't like being fussed and actually she's MY girl. I don't think things like her saying that would bother me so much if i wasn't seeing her so often but she's up every other night. I'v spoken to my partner about her alway being late and coming up so much but he doesn't think she's doing anything wrong, his response was "well as least she's making the effort to come and see her granddaughter". I just left it at that coz i didn't want to argue but i'm not sure if he ment that my parents aren't making such an effort which is not the case at all they just respect our space and see their granddaughter about once or twice a week which in my opinion is about right. When ever she's down she always says the same things " aww she's so beautiful, isn't she?" and "she's such a good girl, she never cries does she?" i say yes she does cry sometimes her response "I don't believe you". Im sorry but my daughter is now 6 months old and i cannot stand to her here say these same things anymore, there is only so may times i can answer the same questions politely. I know she's excited coz it's her first grandchild but i feel suffocated. Anyone else in the same situation? What have you done?

Look forward to your reply's
Tanya

YANBU.

Does she only come that time as your partner is there also or is that the only time she can?

I think you have to change the time if possible so that it´s convenient for you.

Can you visit her so that you´re in charge of when to leave?

Let her do the bathtime once a week?

She comes at this time as she finishes work at 5. Generally she will call during the day and say i'm finishing at 5 so ill come straight from work she doesn't work far away she if she's doing this she should be here no later than 5.45. She has all weekend off then so if she wants to see my daughter on both saturday and sunday i have no problem with that she can even take her for a few hours if she wants to have some time alone with her. It's just frustrating having her here so much as i feel like I'm living around her and not the other way around. This week she was here tuesday, friday, sunday (when she was off all day she still came at this time not sure why) and she will be here tomorrow also. When she's here I let her feed my daughter so she feels a part of her granddaughters development and she helps me bath ( i don't need the help but it makes he feel included so thats why i do it) It just seems like she's taking advantage now.

wow YANBU I think she is being really intense coming over that many times a week. I wouldn't be able to handle that. My SIL was in this position, they set a day once a week for them to come. I think if you don't put your foot down now you might get more suffocated. good luck!!

you shouldn't feel like your living around her either... maybe plan a few day trips out with you your DP and DC on the weekends then she might get out of the habit of just telling you shes coming and expecting :)

OK-if you generally get on with her-hold onto that!

I think tell her it would be easier if she came straight after work once/twice a week & have more & better time?

And that you & your partner want some evenings together.

How long does she usually stay?

It´s great that she´s excited & wants to be involved, but I think she needs to think about what´s convenient for you as well as her.

I think she's being very intense, BUT she isn't harming and is actively getting involved. Let her help, HAND her you baby and go have a bath yourself, use her being there to catch up on other things.... although YANBU, I don't believe its worth causing upset over. You have the power to 'spin' her visits into something useful for you.

YABU regarding her calling your DD 'My girl' though, she is her granddaughter, and its a figure of speech, your MIL isn't disrespecting your place in your child's life, but reinforcing hers.

I agree its too much but she does ring and ask... what you need to do is learn how to politely, calmly say no. Or don't answer the phone!

Try to keep in the back of your mind that there maybe a time in the future when you will be glad of her help. As someone with no GPs living close by I would love to have someone I could totally trust to have the children. I would ask your partner to have words maybe along the line that he needs to have you and DD all to himself a bit more.

I'm going to say this just to point out a different thought. Obviously I don't know how old your MIL is, but perhaps you could make an effort to look at them as lovely family time that your DD is getting with her grandmother.

A few years ago, that might have annoyed me. But after my FIL passed away 2 years ago and my own father passed away 6 months ago, I wish my children had more time with them. I am happy to have MIL visit with our children as often as she would like. She is elderly and will not always be around - and I want the children to have as much time with her as they can. (my mother lives abroad and we're hoping she'll be able to come visit soon as well)

I agree that giving her some of the bedtime tasks would probably make her quite happy - maybe she can read a story to your little one or just sit and cuddle with her the evenings she is there, while you and DH have a cup of tea or while you do some washing up or something. Give her some "special time" with her grandchild that they can share together - I imagine it would mean a lot to her. MIL absolutely loves playing with DSs and reading to them. (we have a little video of her doing this, so years from now, we can show the boys)

How about a new bedtime routine? So when she rings, say as your baby is now getting a bit older, she needs less daytime sleep and an earlier bedtime so the evening visits would be too disruptive?

next time she is here, how about being pro-active and arranging the next visit in advance? So if she is there today, say to her that to save her calling, we're busy the next couple of nights so how about seeing her Friday...

sorry, that's not very well phrased but say it nicely and see what happens. Just because you are in the house doesn't mean that you don't have anything to do or don't want some time just by yourself.

I'd also not hold back on your routine, don't wait for her to see her if she is running late.

I'd also occasionally say to her if she rings expecting to come there and then that dd is a bit tired after [day's activity] so you're putting her to bed early tonight (regardless of whether you are or not!) and don't want her getting all excited seeing grandma so how about coming tomorrow/day after when she's all back to normal?