to be dreading this weekend away?

[CaymansBound]

I am in a circle of friends, some of whom were initially introduced to one another by me (e.g. university friends, old work friends, school friends etc) but who also now obviously have their own friendships with one another, having shared the love (no pampas grass involved - just to be clear ).

I have a friend (Jane - names have been changed!) who can be very sweet at times but also very hard work. Every holiday or trip away we have been away on has involved a lot of sulking. I find sulking v hard to deal with - I don't particularly like confrontation but I would rather know what I have done wrong so I can at least try and put it right and prolonged sulking on holidays over the past few years has ruined an entire weekend in Edinburgh and several days out of a week's break abroad (involving Jane being particularly nasty to another friend's new girlfriend who was being a bit overbearing but well intentioned towards Jane - was concerned Jane was being left out ironically because she didn't want to to do a particular activity we all booked to do on a day out and Jane ended up snapping at her).

So....another friend (Zoe) from the group is planning a big birthday weekend shortly. I have had a horrible time over the past 2 years involving court cases, bullying at work, partner leaving me with 6 month old baby etc. Jane like I said can be really sweet at times but is quite self-absorbed e.g. I know everyone's names at her work because I have to listen to a detailed breakdown of work events every time we speak, whereas she doesn't even know what my job is really and it is quite apparent that she switches off if you bore her with your own problems so I tend to withdraw from communicating with her when going through a tough time myself. It's just easier that way if I view her as a good time friend (she once put the phone down on me the only time I have cried to her!) In one big outburst from her (again on holiday) it became apparent that she thinks I just wing through life on a lovely fluffy cloud being jammy and her constant refrain when I either offer sympathy or solutions if she's having a moan is "well it's alright for you".

Zoe is unaware that Jane thinks she is weird (zoe is not weird, quirky yes) and Jane does not really like certain kinds of conversation (e.g. if we get involved in chatting about books - some of the friends were met on a writing course so we have this in common). I have been out of contact with Jane for a month or two due to me dealing with some more shit so I've just gone off radar for a bit until I can be robust enough again just to have fun.

Anyway...skip to the end. Zoe has invited Jane to the birthday weekend away in a few weeks time and I am absolutely dreading it. I know I will have to get in touch with her before then and apologise for being out of contact (she hasn't pursued other than one text saying hello?) but I am not sure I am robust enough bear a weekend. I have tried to mention to Zoe about Jane and holidays not mixing well (she witnessed the outburst against the new gf on other trip) but it's not my place to say to Zoe who she has at her birthday and I think Zoe just thinks I am trying to control friendships which I would not want to do at all. (Zoe and Jane never speak on the phone or have any other contact really outside of social events organised by one of the group - Jane does not organise stuff socially generally). Zoe would be v upset if I dropped out and I had already been excited and helping her plan and book stuff before she mentioned she had emailed Jane so it would be me being the sulky one and I don't want to ruin Zoe's birthday.

AAAAAARGH and yet I know (am seeing a psychiatrist, on A-Ds) that my tolerance is incredibly low (used to be a v easygoing person and am v sad that recent experiences have made me not so anymore) and I am going to have to organise childcare, spend a lot of money (which will also be a trigger point for Jane - she earns less so needs to budget and I hope we are sensitive to that in terms of affordability for everyone but combined with the other vetoes she wants to wield on what food she will/won't eat out it gets v difficult - Zoe wants to splash out for birthday and I don't think realises the constraints we will need to be conscious of) to go another holiday marred by long periods of sulking.

Am I being unreasonable? I have always introduced my friends to other friends and now I feel like a complete bitch because I promised myself I wouldn't go on holiday with Jane again after the last time but I am just going to have to go and suck it up aren't I? TBH I am a bit worried with such a short fuse at the moment I am going to end up telling Jane to snap out of it if there's a sulk going on so am going to be on edge keeping myself in check.

Sorry for rambling length, am two gin and tonics in on pondering how I can extricate myself from this before submitting to wisdom of MN.

I still dont think you should go! your friend should understand and its only a fucking birthday!!!! the fuss we make!!!

save £350, take friend for a nice dinner to make up for it, say you cant get a babysitter

be kind to yourself

I agree with posters above. You shouldn't go at the moment, spend the money on treating yourself and DC.

Explain to Zoe that after all you've been through recently, its all still to raw to be able to put on your usual nice sunny fluffy hat and pretend all is right with the world. Tell her you'll treat her to a fabulous dinner when she gets back. There's no need to mention Jane.

Next time a weekend comes up, if you feel emotionally stronger, go and to hell with it if Jane gets into a sulk - give her both barrels. She sounds like very hard work and doesn't seem to 'give' much to any friendship. Maybe being on her own for so long has made her forget how to have a two-way relationship. A good talking to might remind her that she's being selfish and spoiling everyone's experience through her childish behaviour.

I am holding back on booking and wasting time on here instead - I am being a complete and utter coward and hoping that because other friend and the new gf who Jane doesn't like might be going (could be a no from them because they have just bought a massive house and are moving in) it will be a no from Jane anyway in which case I can stop mithering and go.

I have had talks with Jane in the past and despite her being prickly and arguing against me and saying I can never know how hard it is for her because I make friends easily, have been in relationships blah blah blah I also know she has gone away and read loads of self-help books so I know she does think it's a problem deep down - she just can't help herself. I can see Zoe getting very upset with me if I don't go so am torn but hoping it may turn out that Jane is not going in which case I am getting anxious about nothing.

Deep breaths. It's a shame it's just a touch too early for some gin.

you need to worry about yourself hun, if your friend is a good friend she will understand and will only be a little disappointed you cant come.

You have got to stop placing other peoples feelings above your own. Zoe will have a great time even if you aren't there and Jane sounds like a lost cause so I would stop pandering to her sulks and strops.

spooks Thank you, I know I'm being over-anxious about all this and building it up in my head but judging from Zoe's reaction when I tried to say look I thought twice about Jane coming on week trip away and all the sulking happened and I felt bad then - she feels like I am being controlling by saying who she can/can't invite and if I drop out she will know that's why even if I make up another excuse - and then really I am being the sulky one. Zoe doesn't have a huge number of friends and most of them she has met through me so I can see why she would feel like that tbh and it's not fair of me. Am just going to have to toughen up and work out and stick to strategy to deal with sulking when it occurs and not let it bring me down. Not much I can do about the anxiety now but thinking of a strategy will help.

Oh I have a friend like this. And others have been right, stop feeling responsible. In our group I was her oldest friend, but actually we weren't at all, we'd just known each other longest, as far a friendship, real friendship went it was threadbare.

I like her company, sometimes. I like her. I hate her 'woe is me' attitude(moaning about the state of her house but never actually getting off her arse to clean it, then when her mates clean her house, and within a week its gross again JOKING that she's lazy and hates housework - argh) she'll never apologise for anything, and she'll wander off half way through a conversation (not just me, I'd have take the hint) and basically ARGH!!

Now I've stepped back, and I find her amusing actually, she's turned (in my mind) from an irritant into a walking talking sitcom. If yur mate starts grating on you, stand up, walk to someone else and have a giggle (not necessarily about her!).

Could you invent an essential hospital appointment that just happens to have suddenly been confirmed for the very Saturday you're supposed to be going away? And just say you don't want to talk about what thx problem is if anyone asks. That's what I'd do, I an queen of the cowards. Yes I know Saturday is an odd day for an appointment, but you could say it's a new weekend clinic trial thingy wotsit something or other.

dexter I know I know. I never used to be like this honest! I think that's what makes it so hard - everyone's expectations are that I am the same person I used to be and I'm just not. Motherhood changes that (none of this group have children) but really it's all the shit that's happened and good friends have been gracious enough to let me moan but it's me that feels different/changed and not for the better and I don't think they see that.

PuppyMonkey Your ability to spin a good lie made me larf I couldn't do a hospital appointment (couldn't make people worried about me in that way) but if the anxiety builds too much will have to consider the childcare falling through option and just accept I will have wasted £350 (FFS GGGRRRRR). It's me who needs to change in all of this - I know that Jane isn't going to and we have spoken about this before.