Toxic friends - have you got/had one?

[atosilis]

I had one, I could write a book and give lectures but would like to hear other experiences

I had a toxic friend then a toxic group

The first one slept with my ex to be honest she probably did me a favour and to think I would cry on her shoulder and she was going back and telling him everything I said

The group that I acquired later on when i was homeless were basically just using me as a general dogs body and fool

I was actually telling my oh about this the other day they would ask to stay at mine as I lived in London so they could party they would get ready go out ( and yes I would never get a invite) then arrive back at stupid o clock with one night stands in toe

I think their was one night were I was luckily to get a invite and was the driver for the night and said I didn't want to stay out all night and was heading home about 1 so 1 came told them 15 minutes then getting my coat so every one basically ignored me their I was holding my coat while everyone was dancing said that I was leaving they should arrange a cab back if they wanted to stay later

I was told that if I left and didn't stay until they were ready to leave the friendship was over and they group would freeze me out
Well that was the Turing point I left, went home packed up their stuff put the bags on my doorstep and that's was that its been 4 years now and I feel lighter every day

I now have a fab group and have learned a lot.
But sadly am very wary of women so have trouble making new friends which I think is a shame not as open as I once was

Spuddybean I'm appalled. Please don't let it destroy your faith in human nature. Not all friends turn out to be selfish, shallow skanks.

The chances are very high that among your delightful group of ex-friends, at least one or two will go through divorce or bereavement and will find themselves also described as 'boring.' I bet you at some point one of them will contact you wailing about their own mistreatment.

But in the meantime you'll have found new friends.

I've had quite a few in my time!! Some I am still friends with but in an 'eyes wide open and at arm's length' way. Some not so.

Picked up a few in the past - always at insecure, transitional times, teens to twenties, mostly, and usually (but not always) with lots of unheeded red flags in early days of friendship...
Happy that in last few years all my friends are lovely (though human, obv.), and have better things to do than trying to drag other people down.

Just last week, though I was silly enough to comment on-line on a clever and eye-catching piece of artwork partly made by a still potentially toxic friend who I've avoided contact with for a while now. Following that she tried to get in touch, and I still don't know what to do. Wish I felt more confident about 'eyes wide open and arm's length' approach. Not sure, though...

Oh another beautiful example.

We were on holiday in France and met up with some other travellers. After a while it was very hot so we decided to sit down and have a break. Our backpacks were too heavy so I said I'd stay with the backpacks while they shot back to the shops and got some wine/baguettes. She and this French bloke disappeared with 20 Euros (mine) to get the stuff. I fell asleep in the sun and woke up to dusk completely by myself with 3 backpacks. Her mobile kept going to voicemail. Finally she answered and said, she was sorry, they couldn't find a shop and the local taverna wouldn't let them take stuff away so they sat and ate/drank there.

My best friend at uni. She was in her 3rd year when I was a fresher and she didn't really have any close friends, which should have been my warning. I told her all of my secrets and trusted her. When her boyfriend broke up with her she sat on our sofa and cried for a week - wouldn't eat, couldn't sleep and was drinking and smoking loads. I took a week off to stay at home with her because I was worried about her. She then lied to me, let me down and made a fool of me to our mutual friends and couldn't understand why I wouldn't forgive her.

But what if they're nice AND toxic? I have a friend who's been great in some ways (let me stay at hers when I left 1st H, gave me tons of her baby stuff that she didn't need anymore), but when she's depressed or upset, she's determined to make everyone else feel bad too.

She was offended I didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid at my wedding, so she tried to ruin the day by upsetting my (very highly strung) sister. I'm kind of past it, but it leaves a bad taste.

It did make me laugh though when I saw her recently. She's having a bad time, so fair enough she wants a moan. But then she picks up my baby girl and says "Oh, you poor thing! You look just like your dad and that's not a good look on a girl."

Me and DH have been rofling about our 'ugly' baby ever since - does that make us bad parents?

I have had friends who were basically just takers. I would be flattered that they wanted to tell me their problems and rely on me (duh!) But whenever I needed help and support they would be nowhere to be seen.

I can spot them now and avoid. But my last one was a women who didn't seem to have any friends and was very lonely with only her DD for company. I tried to include her in social things and listened to her problems with her DD and other stuff.

I had noticed she hadn't been great at supporting me back. The tipping point was when I was very stressed. I was in the middle of buying a house and was questioning, for various reasons, whether I should go ahead with it. I told her all my reasons - I just wanted someone sympathetic to listen. She in response did a big belly laugh and acted like oh you are silly to worry about this, and then just proceeded to talk about herself.

I never invited her to anything again. And although I was polite I kept my distance.

What I find sad though is the women who I have befriended and done nice normal things for. In response they have been so thankful, as if they have never had a friend who has ever been thoughtful or done anything nice for them.

But reading responses here it does seem as if a lot of people haven't had any nice friends! There are nice ones out there. You just need to spot the ones that aren't early on before you get sucked in.

Tchoot - I don't bother with people like that at all now. There are too many nice people around to bother spending time and energy with those not so nice. If it is online I would ignore it. If you speak to the person i would just say oh yes we must get together sometime. No sorry can't do then, or then.

With really toxic people I generally wouldn't confront them and say you never wanted to speak to them again because of x,y or z. I would be afraid they would deliberately do something to me to make life difficult.

I had a shitty friend, for about 6 months, towards the end of high school.
It was the best thing ever!

She was supposed to meet up with me for lunch. It turned out she had made arraingements to meet up with another girl as well. She told us both the same time and place to meet her, and stood the pair of us up.
I was a bit cross, and still hungry so I asked the other girl if she would like to join me instead. She said yes.
We became best friends, and still are to this day (17 years later)

This same shitty friend was supposed to be coming to a party I was hosting. She said she had met a most amazing man, and she was going to bring him as her guest. She stood him up, and me, and never put in an appearance.

It is a mighty small world.

Another (male) friend of mine was coming to this party. He phoned me, and said a guy he was friends with had been stood up, and was it ok if he brought him along?
I said yes. It was the guy my shitty friend had ditched.
I got to know the 'ditched' guy.
He is now my husband and we have just had our 13th wedding anniversay this month.

I had one who used to start rows with bar staff, taxi drivers, waiters, other people out trying to enjoy themselves, other people in our group who she suddenly decided to pick on.

She once said to me: 'limited, every time we go out we get into arguments with other people,' as if I was making her do this instead of constantly trying to placate people.

She said this in front of another friend who didn't go out with her that often who laughed and said: 'I can't believe you just said that. Every time I've ever been out with you you've picked a fight with someone.'

I don't remember how that friendship ended but I'm really glad it did.

Oooooo, yes. Had a few.

All kicked to the curb within the last year (I turn thirty ina few months and it may have something to do with that).

Ahem....

Friend 1.

Bit insecure. Constantly asking me if he'd 'done something to upset me'. If I was ever distracted (tired/period pain/had other stuff on mind) he's go on and on and on asking if he'd upset me.

Bit control freaky too. If you didn't answer a text mmediately or within his time scale (about a minute) he'd send the text repeatedly. I'd get about thirty when I finally woke up/finished work/got out of shower. Once I worked an extra nightshift but had to stay awake all day (can't remember the reason). Partner had plans that evening so I went to bed at the same time as our son (7pmish) Woke up about 10pm, went downstairs to get a drink and hppened to check my phone. I had about fourteen messages asing why I was ignoring him, telling me that I'm a bitch and how I should treat friens better, etc, etc.

Many, many other similar things happened. Last straw was when he lost his house (pretty sure he was an alcoholic, spent all his money on mobile phones because he had to have the latest model, didn't pay his bills and used those payday loan things WEEKLY). I sat up ALL night talking to him, ressuring him and making sure he knew no one would think less of him because of it. The next day I get a text telling me that I'm not supportive enough and he expected more from me. I told him to stop being a moron and to contact me again when he grew up. He apologised but then ruined it al by texting a similar thing the next night (at 1am, knowing full well that my phone waks me up) an telling me that if I still wanted to be friends I should 'text hi tomorrow'. I never text him back.

Friend 2.

(I've mentioned her before on here. She's the one who's breath mells of poo.)

I did occassional work for her. Below minimum wage but I didn't really mind. Getting the money out of her was quite hard though. And because I had to find childcare and stuff I wasn't willing to work for free.

She was quite put-downy. Would make personal comments about the way I looked and my relationship. Not sure why. She looks like she was hit by a bus and her husband installed a key logger on her aptop because he didn't trust her. AND she slagged off Mumsnet!!

Being around her was like walking on eggshells. Not good.

Worked for her a while back, arranged a day to pick up the cash for working as we'd arranged and was given a FILTHY look and told 'I've not got your money'. Said she'd drop it in that night when she closed. 7pm came and went. Messaged her, she said she was popping round. 10pm came and went. Messaged her again. Said she'd drop it round in the morning. I knew full well she was going away the next day and already ad that feeling that she wasn't going to pay. Got so upset (mainly because of the way she spoke to me) that my partner went round and collected it for me. Decided to end the friendship then.

The next week I had a text from her asking if I was home. I ignored it as I was in Tescos (buying brillo pads and cauliflower, I remember it well). Few minutes later I had another text saying that she wanted to come round. Er..Why? Thought we weren't speaking. Ignore it. Thrd text arrived telling me she'd droppedher key through my door so I can feed her cats at the weekend. (Just for the record she lived on the other side of town and I don't drive). Charming.

I put a snooty comment on my SiL's facebook wall about it all and (not realising this woman trawled through people's facebook page reading all the comments they were writing to people she didn't even know) she saw it and sent me a shitty message about not coming to talk to her in person and instead writing on a 'random person's' facebook wall. Well, you weren't supposed to see it, were you??

Was a relief when that friendship ended.

well I was a toxic friend once

I was living with my now dh and another couple. To cut a long story short I snogged the guy of the couple whilst very drunk one night, even though she was supposed to be one of my best friends and I was with my dh (we weren't engaged or married but still).

Why? I had low self esteem from an abusive childhood and wanted the attention. I am not excusing it though. It went no further. Me and dh moved out, got engaged. They are still a couple as far as I know but we haven't seen them for years.

This was over ten years ago, I am in my thirties now. It still haunts me sometimes, how selfish and shallow I was to do that. I have been married for 7 years now and have 2 kids and would never look at another man. I have sorted through a lot of my issues and have some lovely friends. I would never do anything like that again. Sometimes I think my friend suspected (and my dh) although it never came out in the open officially. I think it is best left now and I truly hope she is leading a happy life and her dp is faithful. He was a bit fucked up at the time too I seem to remember.

I attract toxic people. I just avoid people in general now as I'm incapable of working out who the toxic ones are until it's too late.

Sarah, are you joking?
I hope so, because otherwise, I think that's sad and I'm worried for you...

lesley - good advice, I think. Thanks!

Oh, my favourite one was a "close friend" who'd cheated on his wife with several women after being caught TWICE, gone through a divorce and was now having an affair with a married woman.
He turned around to DP and me, just after we got together, to "offer some relationship advice, as we seemed to be heading towards failure". When I told him to stuff it, he started a real hate campaign against me amongst our friends. DP was living with him at the time, and he decided to make his life hell by snidey comments and constant bullying, and in the end DP had to move back in with his father just to stay sane.
When I got pregnant 10 months into the relationship I decided to cut him and that circle of friends off completely, to avoid any drama that could boil over.
DP didn't talk to him for a year, and they're now on "Hello" terms - I'm fine with that as long as he knows to keep his opinions on how to have a good relationship to himself!

No, I'm not joking. I seriously have no friends in RL, apart from 2 exes that I trust. It is sad, but I do have a lovely family and I am happy with that.

Thanks for answering, Sarah.

That does make me feel quite angry and sad, actually.

I don't know how old you are now, Sarah but I think most people change a great deal in (maybe) their thirties: I can remember life for quite a while before then (probably since the onset of outery, actually) being full of people who seemed to have abandoned all sense of common decency (I realise I sound about 90 using that phrase). Or maybe these were just the people I chose to hang out with...
Anyway, my point is that I think things go in phases.
Obviously I don't know your particular experiences, but when I think of my own around toxic types, I can always remember early warning signs or just strong gut feelings which for whatever reason I didn't follow. I think I'd be unable not to follow them now, but that's taken me quite a lot of time out to do that. And also a lot of good luck in terms of having met a few- but a good few - really, really good people who've shown over time that they are far from toxic. It has taken over a decade to realise this, though...

I'm 44.

I am crap at reading people and can't tell if someone is untrustworthy or bad. Unfortunately people like that seem to be able to hone in on this. And I am too tolerant of their bad behaviour.

Case in point is recent debacle with XH, when he split up with his GF, came up to see the DDs and refused to leave. He got verbally and emotionally abusive and it took nearly 2 weeks to get him out of MY house! Meanwhile I left MY house and went to stay with my parents as I didn't want the DDs to be affected. In the end he got physical, and the police removed him.

I've had some truly hideous friends in the past.

It's easier and healthier for me to stay as I am, and I am actually very happy.

I had one at university. Very beautiful, neurotic actress who told me how wonderful I was and how she couldn't cope without me. She claimed that she had been sexually abused by her father.I don't now believe this, I think she was 'competing' with another friend who'd been abused at his boarding school.
I had a nervous breakdown at the end of my first year and moved in with and some others afterwards. It took me some time to realise that once I recovered (with the help of Prozac) she spent all her time smoking and bitching about me behind my back to everyone, including my boyfriend. When I moved out I never spoke to her again. She stopped me in the quad one day and begged me to be friends again as I was the only one who understood her. I think she needed me to have MH and self-esteem issues so she could feel more normal.
I understand that she was toxic because of very low self-esteem and I still feel sorry for her but can't give thqt much to someone who was so damaged.

Sarah it sounds as if you've been through a lot, I'm glad things are better now.

These sorts of threads are certainly thought provoking in terms of finding out what people have been through, how they are now, and how they see things in light of earlier experiences.

elinor - your post reminds me of what an utter, utter mess so many people are at that stage. I wonder sometimes whether it's the age or the circumstances.

The toxic friend I mentioned earlier in this thread that I dumped at the weekend is apparently "very upset" because I "wasn't understanding" that she said everything that she did, and basically tried to bully me, whilst she was drunk, and she "can't believe" that I've told her to eff the hell off and never speak to me again. Oh well, I'm sure she'll get over it and find herself another victim

I had a bit of an epiphany reading this thread... mumsnet is my 'toxic friend'. Judgemental, bitchy, temperamental, unpredictable. Sometimes supportive (there are some lovely people on here), often funny, but also often mean and nasty, and revelling in that. It's really made me think about how MN leaves me feeling, often, and it's not very nice. I think it might be time to flounce!

I've had a couple of toxic friends. They didn't last long mind - i'm really pretty good at detecting bullshit and have a low tolerance threshold for it. i think this is probably because my longest standing 'friend' pulled every trick in the toxic friend 'book' on me. Now 36, known each other since we were 4 years old.
I do still have contact with her, but it's completely on my terms.

sarahstratton you can borrow my toxic friend radar anytime you like but i do understand why you feel the way you do. I've been pretty badly burnt in the past and have become quite a lot more cautious about how far I let new people into my life.