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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Toxic friends - have you got/had one?

78 replies

atosilis · 18/09/2011 00:25

I had one, I could write a book and give lectures but would like to hear other experiences

OP posts:
brighthair · 18/09/2011 15:38

Yep. She constantly lied to me and stole from me. I got rid, and only see her in the gym occasionally. Mum says I should say hi, i don't because i gave her chance after chance and she betrayed my trust every time

atosilis · 18/09/2011 15:51

I had one during my teens and my radar should have been fully formed by the time I was suckered by the one in my 40s!!

One time I had been very depressed, been in hospital but turned myself around and got a good job. On hearing the news she said, "Jammy cow".

OP posts:
ToriaPumpkinPasty · 18/09/2011 16:01

I had one, who wasn't really down to me, she was part of a group I became part of. She did all the usual, les, manipulating people to turn against each other etc. Now only one person from that group still speaks to her. Funny that...

There is someone in my life though and I occasionally wonder if she's toxic or just extremely needy.

We met at uni and were relatively close. When I dropped out I started to lose touch with people and couldn't afford to go out as much as I wasn't working, when I did get a job I worked Friday and Saturday nights. Eventually people stopped inviting me. Fine, I had other friends who weren't as superficial.

This girl got upset that I didn't throw myself on her doorstep in tears demanding to know why she didn't want to play with me anymore. I was slowly ingratiated back into the group and as my DH and her now fiance get on well we all just plodded along.

When we bought our first house it was outside the city centre. Meanwhile this little group had all slowly moved further and further over to the opposite side of the city (job proximity etc, our house was chosen for easy links to the uni I was now attending) We were regularly invited over to their flat, and we returned the invitations often, only to be told that it was too far for them to come to us, so we should go to them because we had a car (apparently the drink/drive laws passed her by)

She began to develop ways of making us pander to her, if she was hungry then she'd complain like a toddler, get snappy and irritable and on one occasion ate before we went out for a group meal as we would be eating too late for her. She she ordered a glass of wine and spent the entire meal on her Blackberry.

We moved 150 miles away, again for work, and they've been up to visit us once. Every month there is a complaint that we never go and see them, despite the fact we're down at least once every two months.

Every gig, concert and restaurant she has ever been to she describes as "The worst experience." When I called her on this she burst into tears and accused me of being too hard on her. The fact she said the exact thing ten minutes later escaped her irony sensors.

She is known for bitching and backstabbing amongst the group and nearly led to a friend from uni and I coming to blows when I warned him what she could be like and he told me she was one of his best friends and would never be like that. Needless to say a few months later she moved on from her little dalliance with being nice and made comments about his sexuality (which he has a complex about) and how the relationship he was trying to get over was never going anywhere anyway.

I haven't heard from her for two months, and don't expect to until I give birth in a few weeks, when I'll be flavour of the week again. The last time I spoke to her she was moaning about being unemployed, something which she could have an effect on but chooses not to, when I had just been made redundant at seven months pregnant.

The only way I can describe her is an emotional vampire, if everyone isn't focussed on her then they're wrong. If we're all out in a pub and she's trying to say something and people are distracted or interrupt or have food brought and try to talk to the staff then she gets upset (and often cries about it) If we want to go to a different pub/restaurant/cinema/car park to her then we're ganging up on her. She once even refused to speak to me all evening because I took my friend who has mild agoraphobia to a quieter bar for a drink when we got to the original suggested meeting place to find it jam packed and everyone else was still at a gig. We text them and said where we were going and why and she told me the place we were going was too expensive so we'd have to go back to the original place when they deigned to arrive. I didn't then jump up and run down the road so was clearly wrong. When my other friend went home and I wandered down I ordered a drink and sat down and when I still had half a pint left she decided it was time to leave and told me to down my drink or be left behind. Then walked out.

Her fiance was made redundant about two years ago and suddenly everything became about how she had no money, they had to postpone their wedding, she couldn't afford to go out for dinner or get takeaway more than once a week (!) and generally how awful it is being skint. This despite the fact her parents are paying for her wedding and the rest of us had to work through uni so were regularly skint for the first four-five years we knew each other.

Now I'm having DC1 I get the feeling we'll drift apart and possibly lose touch for good, when talking about her upcoming wedding she made several rather hurtful comments about people daring to bringing their spawn children to her wedding, seemingly forgetting that I was pregnant while she was doing so (note, the wedding isn't child free, has never been advertised as such and her fiance wants all his nieces and nephews there so will never be) she constantly makes comments about how she doesn't understand why I'd want to have a baby, how I can't be ready, how weird it is (I'm 26 and have been married five years, I don't think it's that unusual to want to have a baby at this stage)

The sad thing is I think all I'd feel if we did drift apart is relief.

Bootcamp · 18/09/2011 16:45

I am embaressed to admit I'm in my 30s and only recently shook off a toxic friend I'd managed to acquire a few years ago. I think I looked up to her, glamorous, seemingly perfect life, charming, made me feel good until she didn't. She would meet up if she had nothing better to do, fob her kid off on me but no way would she help with mine ( this was put to the test in an emergency situation), thought it was funny when I was in hospital seriously ill, make snuffy comments about my weight and my housekeeping.glad to be away.

DontGoCurly · 18/09/2011 16:59

I have attracted them like magnets throughout my life. I used to have a low self esteem and accepted any old crap from people.

I had a terrible job extricating myself from one of them, it went on 10 years, someone I worked with who manipulated a situation where I was being bullied. She used the fact that I was at a weak point to get me to work for her. It was pure hell. She is an out and out narcissist. An absolute nightmare. Anyway thankfully I got out of that job and was able to distance myself from her. All I get now is a few texts and I give bare polite replies.

To be honest every friendship I've ever had has been toxic for me. So I actually don't bother any more. My self esteem is a lot better but I still don't have any confidence in people treating me well, so I don't bother.

People tend to be users and want something unfortunately.

ToriaPumpkinPasty · 18/09/2011 18:14

Oh Bootcamp I forgot about the comments about my weight!

forrestgump · 18/09/2011 18:43

I have one now, and I am realy struggling to make the break. I am normally a very strong person, and am quite angry with myself for getting myself into this situation, my husband noticed months and months before i did just what she was doing. I hate, hate, hate confrontation hence my struggle. A lot of people assume we are best friends, that we are not, and never, ever have been, I have my own life miles away from her on the school yard I thank god I only see her at school drop offs and pick ups, but I am filled with total dread every journy as i know she is there!

LucyLastik · 18/09/2011 18:54

I am probably going to out myself completely now but hey ho.

My so called friend faked a pregnancy and stillbirth to avoid paying back a loan she had from her then boss, blaming the stillbirth on a younger woman and the boss of the company. She begged me to go with her to where her son was buried. It never happened.

Same friend then faked breast cancer. I was devestated, I posted on here and got some fab advice. She faked it because once again, she owed money to her new boss. She refused to have treatment, then decided she didn't want anything to do with me (because I had no money to give her to get out of the hole she was in) and proceeded to tell me she was moving away and to help her deal with her "illness" she needed space from everyone.

I later found out that she had faked the whole thing and hadn't moved away at all. She got another job fairly locally and then spent her time complaining to Ofsted about me, trying to get me the sack from my job. After 2 Ofsted investigations I was cleared of all the accusations against me and they finally recognised that she was complaining about nothing to get me into trouble.

I got a bit pissed a couple of weeks ago and sent her an email along the lines of thanks for all the grief you've landed me with etc etc. She sent me an email back saying at least she knew who her friends were and apparently I wasn;t one of them because I believed she had cancer and wanted her to get treatment for it.

Helenagrace · 18/09/2011 18:57

I had someone latch on to me a couple of years ago. She started attending a church I was a member of. She was very convincing but I have great intuition so I wasn't sucked in. She claimed to have cancer of the ovaries and uterus which was cured by day surgery with no follow up, claimed that she was being evicted, claimed that she had been raped and burgled. None of the stories ever rang true. When I wouldn't get drawn in she went to everyone who knew me and told them that I was a cold-hearted bitch. She even told the police I'd stolen from her (which could have resulted in me being suspended as a director of a company in the finance field) and visited my daughter's school claiming that I would be paying for her daughter to go there.

It took about a year for her to start doing this to other people so I had a year of people suspecting that I was being nasty.

Her phone numbers are still programmed into my phone so I know it's her calling and know not to answer the calls.

She's still at it. She recently had another child and is claiming it was as a result of IVF after her cancer. Our PCT has a policy of not funding IVF if you already have a child. She's on benefits so she can't have paid privately. The whole thing is a bit dodgy. She also told another friend that I didn't go away for a fortnight to care for my dying father but I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital after a breakdown.

I don't know whether she's toxic, evil or mentally ill but I never leave my front door unlocked now.

ladyasriel · 18/09/2011 19:15

SarahStratton :(. I am blessed with a lovely family but get so much out of friendships - new (met locally through school, babies etc) and old (uni, own school friends).

I had a toxic friend once. Cut her out of my life pretty swiftly once I realised what she was like and have never regretted it - though I do still wonder what she is up to/if she has managed to sort herself out.

carriedababi · 18/09/2011 19:37

interesting thread

OberonTheHopeful · 18/09/2011 19:37

There are so many truly awful stories on this thread. They're heartbreaking, as are the ways in which they have caused people to doubt themselves.

The experience I related earlier is the latest for me but not the first. It did make me become very insular and reserved for a while (I was already carrying trust issues), but that just harmed me because I simply got more and more lonely. I was meeting people but couldn't allow friendships to develop.

After a little while of this I realised I had to take a chance sometimes, even though I'm much more cautious than previously. I've made a couple of friendships this year that over the last few months have become quite close, and they're properly two way. Each of the people concerned have, if anything, given more to me in terms of support than I have to them and I am looking forward to being such a good friend in return. It's has also helped me to value all the more the good friends I already have, even if some of them live hundreds of miles away!

I am determined not to let abusive partners and toxic friends fundamentally change who I am, or to rob me of the happiness and feeling of safety that decent reciprocal friendships can bring.

Bootcamp · 18/09/2011 19:40

Also used to come over to our house if she had nothing to do, invite herself and family for dinner. We were never invite to hers fir dinner infact in the end we stopped being invited to hers at all becaCCe it ws easier apparently for the dc to mess my house up. She would also demand that I go places with her, even if it was really inconvient for me ie when I was heavily pregnant she needed me to go shopping with her!

Bootcamp · 18/09/2011 19:41

I can't actually believe I went along with it.

antsypants · 18/09/2011 19:45

I too have had more than a couple of these friends, due to my own problems I think I may have been one at times, but nothing beats my best friend of 23 years who despite me having rushed up and down the country for when she had a bad break up/termination/depression and eventually being abandoned by her babies father a day after giving birth, decided that it was a time for telling the truth about how she felt about me as her friend when I discovered I was pregnant ad was considering my options, I only needed a listening ear, what I got was a long monologue about how I would be a terrible mother, my faults as from 1986 onwards, and a quick disclaimer saying she appreciated I help her in need but she 'had' to be honest. Sad

Given that this was the first time I had ever relied on her for anything, it made me re-evaluate our friendship, it was then I realised that a lot of my insecurities stemmed from my early years and how much of my self esteem was wrapped up in her, so I basically cut her off, I don't speak to her, contact her, or even communicate on any level... My daughter is a toddler and I am enjoying every moment of it, the only thing I regret is that it took me twenty years to realise just how poisonous, selfish an self obsessed she really is.

Spuddybean · 18/09/2011 19:55

A year ago after going thru a particulary bad divorce (husband & bestfriend shagging), death in the family and redundancy all my friends just stopped answering my emails/calls.

It turns out they'd all had an epiphany - now i was homeless and penniless and very sad, i was 'boring' and despite having organised their weddings/baby showers/ birthday parties etc. They didn't feel they were getting anything out of the friendship anymore!

I know i'm better off without them but i haven't been able to be the same with anyone since.

wildhairrunning · 18/09/2011 20:06

Goodness there are soooooo many nasty people out there! I've known a few toxic people but have cut them off pretty quickly. There was one who I met at Playgroup, we came from the same city (not where we both live now) and same cultural background and kids similar ages. She started being friendly and seemed nice but eventually she became hard work, making no effort with conversations when I invited her round, being bitchy about her friends, and she acted jealous of me and certain things about me and my life so I stopped bothering. There was no point having it out with her as she is not worth it - she surrounds herself with 'friends' and is always facebooking how she is out with the girls (yawn) but really she is just an odd and bitchy individual with ishooooos!

Helenagrace · 18/09/2011 20:08

Spuddybean that's just awful. I hope they all realise that any of that could happen to them...but now they all know the measure of their "friends". People like that make me want to believe in karma.

Hope things are getting better for you.

wildhairrunning · 18/09/2011 20:09

Bloody hell spuddy you poor lady knowing such nasty people! Please know there are lots of nice friends out there - they are not all like your ex friends who are shallow nasty twats

I hope you meet some fab people to put your faith back in friends x

wildhairrunning · 18/09/2011 20:11

There was a thread the other day about teaching our kids
About toxic people... This makes that thread even more right than ever
About telling our kids how to spot and bin the toxics!

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 18/09/2011 20:25

I have just today posted on another thread about my dumping of a toxic friend this weekend! I've basically been friends with her for quite a while but everything she says has a sting in the tail and is passive aggressive. Whatever I say she'll find a put down. This weekend I went on a girls weekend with her and some other friends and basically she spent the whole time running me down and making fun of me, got drunker as the day went on and then spent the night out basically trying to bully me, slagging me off loudly to everyone and pulling away any of my friends that sat with me. Because she was acting in such a loud, bullying way everyone went along with her. I ended up telling her what i thought of her and telling her never to contact me again, and coming home early. Unfortunately no one except one other friend sided with me, everyone else just smiled nervously when she was kicking off at me and shrugged their shoulders. Two even told me today they thought I was rude having a go at her when "it's just what she's like and she's so upset". So I've ditched them too. I feel upset about it all but actually quite liberated to finally be free of the toxic friend.

wildhairrunning · 18/09/2011 22:07

Bloody hell mickeymouse that is awful! What a bunch of fucking bitches! But you know they deserve each other and she will
Move on to one of them soon. I am aghast they didn't chuck her out! Good for you for telling her she is a twat!

Bubbles007 · 18/09/2011 22:17

well done, you have done the right thing . really hard tho xxx

Bootcamp · 18/09/2011 22:27

Mickey sheep that's what they are. N backbone. Better off without them.

Puffykins · 18/09/2011 22:50

Oh my God have I had a toxic friend. It starts the same way as so many of these do: she was older (2 years) seemed so self-assured, glamorous, fascinating - I was flattered that she wanted to be my friend. I was even flattered that she told everyone I was her sister (we were at university). I should have noticed that she had no other female friends.
She bestfriended my boyfriends one after the other and I LET her and even encouraged it (to start with, anyway) - then she'd call them when they were with me saying that she needed their help - could they go to Starbucks and get her a Chai Tea Latte/ read through her assignment/ get books out of the library for her, etc. She slept with one of them - claimed she'd done me a favour. Used to tell them that I was madly in love with them and that if they didn't feel the same about me they should break up with me.
Then would go days not answering her phone to me, meanwhile would have some crisis which necessitated my boyfriend's permanent attendance. I was always convinced that they were in love with her, and she'd tell me that she thought that they probably were and I'd feel sick the whole time, not knowing what she was saying to them/ making up about me etc. (Later, I discovered that they were all terrified of her - but sort of fascinated at the same time because that is how she was).
Every so often when she knew she had pushed me too far I'd get presents. Gucci bags/ Gucci shoes/ Agent Provocateur underwear etc.
She's still in my life, but SO on the periphery that I can deal with it. There are boundaries now.

Oh, and I have so often had problems with female friends - not just her - that aside from two or three girlfriends whom I do trust implicitly, most of my closest friends are male. They're easier.