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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about DBro, Parents and GP anniversary?

44 replies

Iliketothinkimnumber6 · 17/09/2011 13:09

It's my Grandparents wedding anniversary in a few weeks for which my parents are organising a family get togther/buffet/party thing for them with family and close friends.
I have a younger brother (21) who has just 'come out'. My parents are 'aparantly' okay with it and I don't give two hoots.
However last night I was talking to my mum telling her what time we would be arriving at said party (DBro is coming with us as he is at Uni in the same city as DH and I live)
And She informed me that DBro wasn't coming as my parents after taking to grandparents and 'knowing the other guests' have decided that it would be best if DBro didn't come as guest may not agree with his 'choice'. I asked specifically about what Grandparents said (this doesn't sound like them) and she just muffled and spluttered something.
So I'm presumming this is coming from my parents and no one else.
My DBro is very upset about it all and I know feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I want to go and celebrate with my grandparents and see other family and friends, I want our young DCs to see family (grandparents haven't met youngest - 8mnth, we haven't had a chance to go down). But equally I don't want to be around people who wont accept my DBro (who I am very very close too) and don't even want him there.

I'm really stuck.
AIBU if I do go or AIBU if I dont
??

OP posts:

MmeLindor. · 17/09/2011 14:28

YANBU to be upset.

What does your brother want? Does he want to go, despite them not standing up for him?

I would be inclined to have a nice day out with my brother on that day, tbh.

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 17/09/2011 17:22

clam "The thing is, his sexuality is just not relevant."

^^ This.

If I had a brother and he wasn't invited to a party because of his sexuality I wouldn't go either and make it clear why I wasn't going.

clam · 17/09/2011 17:33

I mean " shouldn't " be relevant. I'm heterosexual and go to parties and no-one bats an eyelid. Why should it be any different for him?
Although I agree you should stand up and be counted by not going if he's excluded.

peterpan99 · 17/09/2011 17:43

i would call your grandparents and ask them directly if they have a problem with hiim coming, its their party. If they say no, go if they say yes, boycott

ilovesooty · 17/09/2011 17:46

I also wouldn't go if he is going to be excluded. I'd reconsider my relationship with my parents too if it's down to them and their attitudes.

voddiekeepsmesane · 17/09/2011 18:24

Having a brother who is gay, and I was the first person in the family he came out to. If ANYONE in my family was like this at all (thankfully they are not) I would not tolerate it at all. Parents, Grandparents or whoever.

chinam · 17/09/2011 20:19

I agree with all the other posters. There is no way I'd go to a family party where my brother was not welcome. I would also make sure my parents knew exactly why I wasn't attending.

Spuddybean · 17/09/2011 21:31

Sounds horrible for you and your brother.

I am confused as to how your parents friends at the party would know your db had come out? have they had an announcement? why does anyone else care who anyone else fucks? As long as someone isn't cracking on to me i just don't give a shit!

It's all very odd. If someone there is homophobic, what do your parents think they will say/do to db? most homophobes ime shut right up when there is someone gay about.

I wouldn't go if he wasn't welcome and i would tell my parents and grandparents exactly why.

good luck

FlubbaBubba · 17/09/2011 22:09

I'm at this and definitely agree with other posters in saying you go with your brother, or you don't go at all.

How well do you get on with your GPs? Are you able to talk to them?

How devastating for your poor DB :(

squidworth · 17/09/2011 22:29

I would talk to your parents again as it maybe that your GP's may have trouble with it. When my brother told our parents (this was 20 years ago so a different era) everyone expected my dad to have a problem but he was as good as gold however my mum (try not to judge) was devastated not because he was gay but the life she had dreamed for him a loving wife, children was over. She worried of the abuse he may get, she worried that it was her parenting. She went through a grieving process and then after she hated herself for not getting it right. Just speak to them again in a stupid way they may think they are protecting him from the gossips.

RueyBoey · 17/09/2011 23:57

If my DB was un-invited because of something so stupid i would refuse to go.
But first off I would tell your DB that is what you (and DH and DCs) were doing. Also tell him that either he or you (depends on if he feels comfortable doing it or would rather you do as you were on to have conversation with DM) has to talk to your GP.
You said that it doesn't sound like GP so is it possible that they don't know this has happen? If they say it hasn't come from there and they want DB there then say you will go and tell DB that he would be better off going. This is for your GP if they want him there then damn anyone else parents or not who don't. If it comes from parents - I would rethink relationship with them
Now if it is from GP - i would rethink relationship with them. I suppose it probably means 'choosing' between them and I'm guessing you would pick your DB (personally good for you)
Whoever it comes from you and your DB have a choice to make you either go and your DB accepts it may be odd or may have to leave but you just stick it to them. Or you both decide not to go. (in a way that may send a bigger message to GP and/or parents that if they dont accept DB then they don't get to have you, DH or DCs either - they may quickly come around if they are faced with that)
If you decide not to go (ultimatly the decision rests with DB) and this doesn't come from GP than say you and family and DB will drive down at a later day to celebrate their anniversary without any of the shit.

poppingkoalas · 18/09/2011 00:20

him being gay has as much relevance as you being straight and tell your parents such.
If your DB isn't welcome then don't go and of course YANBU about not going. but make sure to tell DB what you are - or rather aren't doing.

Original poster

Iliketothinkimnumber6 · 18/09/2011 12:21

Thank you all very much, glad that if I don't go IANBU.
Me and DB have talked and are going to take your advice. Talk to GPs if this hasn't come from then (they are from the generation to find in embarrassing but would never not invite someone because of it - well that is what we thought) then we will both go . If it has then we wont - DB would feel very awkward going if it has come from them.
He is obvious very upset about it all and shocked that if he isn't invited I wont go either (silly person) But we are both rethinking relationship with DP slightly because even if it has come from GP they are panda-ing to it.
Ohh and as some of you have said - Nope he isn't camp and no partner to come.
Ta

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 18/09/2011 12:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MogandMe · 18/09/2011 12:42

Good luck with the conversation.

Here's hoping it was a misunderstanding and that infact your db was always expected to come.

Well done you for standing up for your brother though!

DoMeDon · 18/09/2011 12:50

I would also have another chat with your P's, if no joy there then your GP's.

I would say that I didn't feel comfortable going somewhere my DB wasn't welcome.

Having said that, if it is GP's who don't want him there how ill you feel then?

DoMeDon · 18/09/2011 12:54

TBH quite a few people feel uncomforatble with the idea of homosexuality and they don't even know why. It's not always out & out prejudice. Sometimes it's just that it is new to them, something different and people don't like change. equally they don't like confrontation and may be worried some will arise, for whatever odd reason they can think of.

I don't think any of that is an excuse btw, and should be challenged. However, it may not be deliberately malicious of your DP/GP.

picnicbasketcase · 18/09/2011 13:00

Someone needs to have a talk to them and explain that it's not actually a 'choice'. I would do the same thing you've chosen to do OP, and I hope you all get it sorted it out.

AtAmber · 18/09/2011 13:13

I was pregnant when I was 17. My dm told me that my grandfather didn't want me to go to his 70th birthday party because of this. Nothing was ever said but I was so hurt and upset. He died about 4 years later, my dm died 3 years after that. A couple of years ago my aunt said to me that it was such a shame that I didn't go to the party as I was ill. My dm had told my family I was ill, but had told me that I wasn't welcome. She let me think this of my grandfather when he was dying. I'm 43 now and still can't believe it.
Your brother should be invited. If he's not I would tell your parents that you aren't going either.

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