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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to reprimand my friend's child if she won't?

53 replies

DecapitatedLegoman · 17/09/2011 08:20

Our sons are the same age and play together quite well but roughly, lots of tickling and rolling around and chasing. Her son doesn't listen when mine wants to stop so tears ensue sometimes.

At her house recently her son was hitting mine as we ate lunch, and later he shoved my baby repeatedly. Both times she was there but just pretty much ignored it so I told him off.

I really like her but I feel uncomfortable that it falls to me to deal with this. I also hate confrontation and have convinced myself that she's secretly pissed off with me and is going to want to have it out with me.

I hate the diplomacy side of this having children thing!

OP posts:
borderslass · 17/09/2011 09:35

Mine are all grown up [DD2 16 next month] but friends and II used to reprimand each others children, however on the only occasion I told SIL's precious child off [she had taken cushions off her settee and was using it as a trampoline] SIL came in asked why she was crying, took cushions off and bounced her on settee saying bouncy bouncy Shock. She was about 2.6/3 at the time she's now 14 and never been told no by SIL in her life.

DownbytheRiverside · 17/09/2011 09:37

'her DS was busying himself with trying to dismantle her jewellery box.'

I would have stayed out of that one, it was neither your DS or your jewellery box.
I would sort out problems that impacted on my child or compromised the safety of anyone's child, but surely her child dismantling something isn't your business.

pigletmania · 17/09/2011 09:40

I would only discipline my friends child if he was hurting dd or myself or being rude to us. Or if he was doing something dangerous that would hurt him or another.

pigletmania · 17/09/2011 09:43

bytheway rubbish, if a child is hurting my dd or myself and the parent is doing nothing, its my business to stop the behavious and reprimand the child. Thats the problem no, some parents treat their children like little gods or godesses that can do no wrong. In life they will have to learn the rules and others will not tolerate their behaviour, even though their parents will.

ledkr · 17/09/2011 09:46

I watched the child of my best friend become increasingly vile to me dd who was 4 yrs younger.We used to have holidays and sleepovers together as we were both single parents. Eventually tho,it became too much and whilst on holiday he swore at her and threatened to hit her-he was 8 and she was 4. I pointed this out to his Mum even tho she was in the room and she ignored him.I told him off and then went into the bedroom with dd as i was really angry.This went on for the entire weekend and he was also cheeky to me in front of her and i had to tell him off.Needless to say the friendship ended when we got home.The last i heard he was 15 and excluded from school and in trouble with the police-i cant think why Hmm

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 17/09/2011 09:49

I think it's fine to reprimand as long as

a) you are being scrupulously fair
b) you tone it down a notch than perhaps you might for your own child. I say this, because in most cases, someone else's child is more likely to listen to you than your own does.

HereIGo · 17/09/2011 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DecapitatedLegoman · 17/09/2011 10:16

Here, I actually agree with your viewpoint on the whole. But when my son's crying and asking the other boy again and again to stop, what would you suggest I do? They're 3.5 and 4.

OP posts:
youarekidding · 17/09/2011 10:25

Been there Grin

My closest friend hated me telling her DC's to stop certain very unacceptable behavior (breaking toys/ hurting etc) but she would just stop trying to when her's tantrummed. I could see it pissed her off and after she had it out with me, quite rudely i used the fab MN phase 'I'm sorry you feel that way but I will not stand back and watch my DS toys being broken and him hurt. I would also tell him off for the same thing. You can parent any way you chose BUT in my house everybody will follow my rules. You of course can chose not to visit if you don't like them'.

Over the next few visits I openly encouraged her to deal with my DS when she was in the room and he needed it. She got more confident with the idea and slowly a agreement formed where the adult in the room/ first on scene! dealt with it.

It is a minefield this diplomacy.

I think things have changed though because my mum simply says I am a bad mum for ever thinking it's OK to stand back and say nothing when another child hurts DS. (ie employing diplomacy) She said it's not even a case of waiting for the other parent to say something - he's my child so I should. Shock

perfumedlife · 17/09/2011 11:08

YANBU

I told off a friends ds when he trashed my house and she came out with the crappla, as Cogito says. Darling this and darling that. What kind of a reprimand starts with Darling ffs? A rubbish one, thats what. She then told me that, I may only tell off her ds when she was not there, if she was there, it was her call.

My house, and there's the door. And if those are your rules, I won't visit you at home either.

letsblowthistacostand · 17/09/2011 12:39

I have had to scale way back on a friendship with someone I really like because she doesn't stop her DD hurting/snatching/yelling etc. DD in question is nearly 4, I thought she might have grown out of following my (younger, smaller) DD around and yanking every toy out of her hands but she hasn't. My DD tries to avoid her but she's persistent.

We pretty much just text and see each other in the evenings, without children now.

exoticfruits · 17/09/2011 13:43

but I remember as a child that we were all told off by whichever adult was nearest. My mum and a couple of friends would meet up very regularly, with a total of 10 children. We all expected to be told off by whoever, not only our own mum. In fact, it had a lot more impact coming from "Auntie X" than from our mum...

Exactly much healthier. We were the same. You knew that you couldn't get away with things. Now you get ineffectual parents 'now that wasn't very nice was it darling? That will hurt' and you see 'little darling' thinking 'good it was meant to!' -in that case it is much better to step in, there is no need to shout but you can speak as if you expect to be listened to.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/09/2011 14:48

"Children are supposed to be boistrous run around shout argue over toys fall over and be covered in dirt and bruises."

It's not 'Lord of the Flies' though, is it? There's a difference between boisterous play and nasty little children that take lumps out of other kids when they think no-one's looking.

exoticfruits · 17/09/2011 15:03

They ought to do all the above with the proviso that they don't hurt others and they are respectful of property.

bigTillyMint · 17/09/2011 15:20

In a nice unthreatening tone....

"Freddie, look at Johnny. He is crying, and he doesn't like playing this game. Do you think you could find a game that you both like playing?"

Unfortunately, different parents have different expectations / standard about behaviour, and what you think is too boisterous and upsetting for your DS, she may see as normal "boy behaviour" and to be encouraged/allowed if she feels it is important for him to be boisterous in order to survive in the male peking-order in the bigger world.

Or maybe he just doesn't realise when enough is enough?

A1980 · 17/09/2011 16:31

My mum was always as weak as dish water.

When I went to friends houses, out for the day with her and school friend and their mum, she let them rule the roost.

One of my friends mum's was brutal so was her DD. They were a couple of bullies. While in their house I was slapped across the face by her DD, hard enough to make me sob uncontrolably. Bullied and teased and told off by both of them. Told I had disgusting table manners by both of them in fron t of my mother. Once on a day out my mum let them do what they wanted with ro regard for us and we just follwed them around. I asked repeatedly to do what we wanted for once and in the end my "friends" mum picked me up off the ground by my neck. She held me theri for several seconds told me to be quiet and put me. I was choking and disolved into tears when she put me down. My mother stood and watched and said nothing to her.

Another timne at her house we were messing about in our underwear in the summer and i was apparently being annoying. Her mum disgracefully pulled my pants down in front of both my mum, my sister, and her DD and used her long finger nails to "tickle" my bum. It was far too hard. It was scrathing me essentially. I almost brouhgt the roof in screaming and crying. The whole room stood and laughed at me during it and when she finally stopped and I got off the floor and they saw i was actually crying, they said we thought you were laughing. I had long welts all down my bottom which took a long time to go away and it was very painful. Again my mother had stood and watched that and when she realised she had hurt me very badly, she said nothing to her.

My point is I am now over 30 years of age and remember this as if it happened yesterday. I can even tell you the exact lay out of the room and what we were doing before and after. Bad memories stick. To this day I have often asked my mother why the FUCKING HELL she let that happen and why she continued to take me to that house.

If anyone laid a hand on my child I would give the mother a piece of my mind and the child.

Defend your son adn tell your friends little bastard of a child where to go if she wont.

exoticfruits · 17/09/2011 16:33

Have you ever had it out with your mother and asked her why she didn't do anything?

A1980 · 17/09/2011 16:36

Yes.

Frustratingly she just wont answer and tells me to get a grip and grow up. Because she knows I'm right.

Oddly though when my DB, Dsis and I were not being a ssertive enough in her eyes, she is taunting and says why don't you stnad up to people and tell them where to go.....!!!!!! I say to her the way you do?

I've given up. But it's taught me a lesson that chi8ldren DO remember these things. I wont have my children (if I have any) bullied and beaten by anyone. My job will be to protect and I will.

borderslass · 17/09/2011 16:39

A1980 That is really tough we were brought up with a rod of iron father he kept a cane in the corner my mum never stood up to him, but everyone thought he was the nicest man going.

A1980 · 17/09/2011 16:41

The two examples are the worst. Other times it was just her being a bully and some times they were ok. But one example would have been enough for me never to take my child back to that house.

babynamesgrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 17/09/2011 16:43

You would be unreasonable in her home to tell off her child for being "naughty". However if he touches your child you have every right to tell the little brat darling off.

babynamesgrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 17/09/2011 16:48

^Its not up to you to discipline her child.
I'm sick of my sister disciplining my child - she clearly feels it all falls to her and that mine would be in prison if it were not for her.
I think shes an agressive cow who shouts at the children just to make her voice heard.^

HereIGo Maybe she just thinks your dc is an agressive brat? Why is your child allowed to act out and hit but everyone must tip toe around and not upset him. Children are meant to be covered in bruises? Hmm but not be able to handle an adult telling them to stop being obnoxious?

exoticfruits · 17/09/2011 16:56

Parents really can't control their DCs environment-however much they might like to!! It is not 'your DC-your rules' once they are out of your house.
Obviously it is your job to protect your DC and A1980's mother should have either stood up to her friend or stopped taking her DD around there.
Anyone can reprimand your DC-it is then up to you how you deal with it.

StopRainingPlease · 17/09/2011 16:58

I do think it's important that children are taught that other adults than their parents can discipline them. I can't stand kids who refuse to listen to other adults on the grounds that "You're not my mummy, you can't tell me what to do."

exoticfruits · 17/09/2011 17:03

Red rag to a bull to me StopRaining-I think 'try me'! I can and I will!

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