to feel I have totally failed as an un step "parent" and wonder where I go from here.

[whereismysanity]

I have posted here before under other names about DSS will try to keep this as brief and as unpersonal as possible.

OH has 3 DC's who live at opposite ends of the country. OH is in Navy away for long periods with no communication. I have my own DC's.

DSS is 15 (only child to his mum so brought up as an only child) came to stay in the school holidays for a few weeks (he asked to) and I posted about him having loads of money and really flashing the cash around my kids). His dad has been away for nearly 4 months with no contact. He had a really lovely time here and I went to a lot of effort to make him feel like part of the family even though his dad wasn't here, took days off work to go on days out etc etc. We had a few behaviour "issues" which I felt I dealt with firmly and without any conflict.

Also posted about DSS mum offering to pay for half his flight (I paid) and never recieving the money from her. Was a bit shocked when posters suggested that he may have kept the money (£100 roughly) which left me in a bit of a dodgy situation financially towards the end of the month (esp when I had to take the cat to vets in emergency).

Turns out DSS has stolen the money (this is a fact - do not want to go into how I know). His mum gave it to him to give me and he gave me £20 "from his mum towards his food and that" and he kept £80. I haven't told his mum yet - am going to tell OH when he gets home and let him deal with it - DSS doesn't know that I know.

I feel quite devastated TBH. His dad is due back soon and I feel so awful that I am going to have to tell him what DSS has done. I feel so dissapointed and hurt and worried about being okay with him and still treating him like a family member when I see him again. I am worried where his head is at to do this to me (and my DC's), but also feel so angry and let down and almost like I will never get back (what I thought was) a really great relationship.

I love him but right now I really don't like him and feel all over the place about how I want our relationship to progress and angry with him for doing this (how did he not think he would be found out?!) as his dad will be so dissapointed too.

If you got through that then thanks

Have emailed his mum really nicely asking if there has been a misunderstanding and thanking her for the £20 :S

I don't think this situation has any relation to your good relationship with him. To me it sounds like he might have kept the money (and in his head it wasn't stealing as his mum gave it to him) for a variety of reasons.

1. He is 15 so doesn't work so has very little concept of how much things really cost. He probably thought that £20 would go a long way towards food etc, so didn't really think it was such a big deal that he kept the rest.
2. He doesn't know you and his step siblings very well and enjoyed having money so he could show off a 'cool' persona to you all, which involved him spending lots of money.
3. He might get on with you all but he might also harbour some resentment towards you and your kids for having his dad around when he can't, so he might have felt that he 'deserved' the money more than you and might also have wanted to feel that you were willing to have him there without being paid (I know it was for the fare etc but to him he might have thought it was like you wanted payment to have him).
4. He has some issues that have nothing to do with you but that are affecting his behaviour at the moment, and one of the ways he is misbehaving is by spending money that isn't his.

I know my cousin went through a stage of stealing from relatives bags when he was about 10. It had nothing to do with how he felt about them.

Thanks Mary, that's made me feel better actually.

You've done the right thing by putting the ball in his mum's court and, hopefully, she'll run with it so that at least some progress will have been made by the time your oh gets home.

You worked hard to make him feel a valued member of your family and to give him an enjoyable holiday, and what he's done is akin to rewarding you with a slap in the face.

I don't give any credence to him not knowing what he was doing; I suspect that he knew full well and, other than having cash to indulge himself and impress your dc, part of the pay-off for him was getting one over on you and, by default, his df.

It wouldn't be unnatual if he feels that he's 'owed'. And he has succeeded in being centre stage after his stay with you.

He's not intrinsically bad - just jealous and most probably feeling the lack of a fulltime hands-on df in his life.

Don't beat yourself up. You have no reason whatosever to feel guilty for circumstances that occurred when he was born and which were entirely beyond your control.

Keep re-reading your post but can't see why you would consider you had "failed".

Sounds to me like you are brilliant step parent.

He has let down his mum and his dad just as much as you.

So the lad himself doesn't know that you & his mum know about the theft? I hope his mum does take this on board and makes him apologise and repay you. Don't wait for his dad to come home to get this moving.