To feel that BF could have been better handled? This has haunted me for years

[LifeHope11]

I read on another thread that new mothers are unable to express milk initially. It has made me wonder about whether the advice I got when DS was born was appropriate.

DS (1st & only Dc) was bprn 3 months prematurely after emergency Caesarian, weighed under 2 pounds, was in an incubator for weeks, had brain bleed.

As soon as he arrived midwives tried to encourage me to express; 'your baby needs nourishment, and that's where you come in. We know it's hard but you have to try, and get the milk flow established while you can'.

A 'Breast is best' poster in my ward underlined the message with a cute picture of a pink-and-white baby (so different from my tiny little scrap of humanity fighting for his life in the neonatal ward).

A breast pump was wheeled into my ward for me to use. Other 'normal' mothers had their babies to nurse; I had a ghastly, cumbersome silver breast pump instead.

By some miracle I actually did produce a few drops which I had to label with DS's name and put in the 'milk bank' (a big fridge). There was only enough to put in the smallest size bottle, DS's name is quite long so I had to write very small. I still remember opening the milk bank door and being astounded at the quantities of milk that other mothers had produced for their DC; ranks of big bottles with the babies' names in big bold marker pen letters. I felt guilty at not being able to 'provide' for DS as well.

I stopped trying to BF the day we were informed that DS may not survive (happily he did) or would be severely disabled (which proved to be the case). I have felt guilty ever since.

I feel that the pressure to BF and guilt at not doing so added significantly to the trauma of the circumstances of DS's birth. Do you think I should have tried harder or do you think this could have been handled better and if so, how?

Apologies if you think this is not an AIBU topic; it may belong on the BF thread but to be honest I am worried about this story upsetting people. I desperately don't want to upset anyone so if you think it will please let me know & I will ask for it to be taken off. But this has haunted me for years and I have never been able to talk of it before.

When I was expecting DS I knew I was going to bf, and nobody ever suggested that it might not happen. DS's birth was quite traumatic, and he didn't want to bf, but then days and days of expressing proved that I had nothing for him. He lost 23% of his birth weight in 4 days. The hospital were amazing and handled things very well, offered all sorts of help and support, and we were discharged after a week - formula feeding. Having "permission" to ff my baby gave me the break I needed to get home.

I agree that the pressure to bf is huge and I felt awful - gulity, upset, failure etc for weeks. Then my NCT teacher said to me at a reunion "Feeding is not the only way you nurture your baby". This was coming from an NCT teacher. Those words lifted that burden and suddenly I could get on with being a happy, confident mum.

Your situation could have been handled better, but I really don't think you let him or yourself down. Your situation sounds awful, I don't think you have any reason to feel bad at all.

How old is your son now?

It should have been handled better. I was never shown how to hand express but I did have a hospital breastpump next to my bed at all times and I was woken up every 90 minutes to express. I couldn't have done it without the mw's support they even took my milk to the ward fridge so I could get a couple minutes more precious sleep. Ds was taken off the tube at 5 days and I got a lot of support getting him latched on etc.

It could have been handled a lot better, you are right. Unfortunately you were probably on a ward where the midwives are used to dealing with mothers of healthy term babies, your baby had nurses used to dealing with special care babies so there was an imbalance there. Hand expressing as a few have said would have been better to start with and with syringes, small ones, about 2ml so they are a more realistic size and target. Ideally someone would have seen the milk you were bringing in and congratulated you for your achievements and explained that the bigger bottles were filled by mothers who had been doing this for a while. A bit more constructive information beyond just breast is best and a lot of pressure to perform would have helped a lot.

I hope you are able to feel proud of expressing your milk for your DS. Lots of mothers can't or even won't try for their premature babies. Not everyone gets on very well with expressing and the stress of having a poorly baby can make it incredibly difficult.

Re whether you can express in early days, yes. In normal circumstances it is best to establish breastfeeding without anything out of the normal like expressing. However, there are lots of circumstances where women need to express, when babies can't or won't latch for example. This is best started soon after birth and regularly for as long as needed. As horrid as it can be sometimes to be hooked up to the big machine, those little drops of milk are very valuable for babies.

Re pressure to breastfeed, i mean that is such a massive question. Obviously the midwife/nurse caring for baby will encourage breastmilk production, if you are willing, for health reasons, it can have an impact on prem babies health and so is important to let mums know this and provide equipment to pump if they choose. Obviously it sounds like you didnt receive enough information on what to expect in terms of production etc in the early days which i crazy as nothing is more disheartening than getting two drops of colostrum unless you know that two drops of colostrum is the most amazing thing ever. Im sorry this didn't happen for you.

Don't feel bad about your decision, you did what felt right for your family at the time, and that makes it the right choice.

Thank you for all your response. Some of your stories made me cry, I realise that I am not alone. I do not want to bring back upsetting memories...this ha festered for years however. Several of you have stayed that I should not feel guilty which is comforting. Feeling that I failed to meet my child's needs in the most basic respect ie nourishing him, is very close to the bone. The circumstances were traumatic anyway and the pressure to breastfeed added to the trauma and was ultimately unsuccessful. Maybe I need to move on though for DC sake as well as my own. Sometimes with the best will and despite every good intention, BF does not work for a variety of reasons, and this has always been the case.

It may be worthwhile to contact the hospital, not to complain but to give honest feedback which may ensure that similar situations are handled more sensitively in the future. I do not blame individual midwives but feel that part of their training involved the obligation to push breastfeeding at all costs. It felt that the dogma was being pushed as soon as DS arrived and that it was unhelpful and even counterproductive. However I appreciate that it may also be good practice to encourage and support BF wherever possible; so I don't claim to have all the answers but believe that practices which more directly address specific circumstance and offer individual support are needed.

I have not read the thread but I am sorry you had such a sad experience. I do believe these things can last for years. My dMIL burst into tears when I was pregnant. My DH has a hereditary condition which I was researching in case our child inherited it. It turned out that the main thing it impacted was breastfeeding. For forty-three years she had blamed herself for not breastfeeding DH, and so the emotion she had on discovering she was not to blame was enormous.

Please don't apologise for this OP.

Yes, it could have been handled better.

Now stop beating yourself up about it. You did your best.

"I also wanted to ask whether the pressure to BF was appropriate? This is not a loaded question; I genuinely want to know. Is the best practice to encourage to BF at all costs?"

I remember listening to a speech given by a consultant paediatrician from St Georges in which he said he encourages parents of prem babies to see breastmilk as an important medicine and not just a food. That for some prem babies it's life saving.

And given that this is the case it's inexcusable that new mothers of poorly and tiny babies don't have 24 hour access to the services of a lactation consultant with expertise in this area.

I think you were poorly supported at a very difficult time. I hope that 10 years on, mums in a similar situation are better looked after in regard to breastfeeding.