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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this 'friend' is not really a friend at all?!

26 replies

wildhairrunning · 13/09/2011 22:41

I recently became freindly with a lady from my children's nursery and we seem to hold similar values in some ways. We used to meet up around once a week with the children and she was very friendly and we got on well.

Then the subject of schools came up - she began visiting schools back in May/June as she wants to find a good school for her child (the ones directly near her are not good) and I was interested in what she was doing and asked her where she visited and her thoughts etc... She became very evasive, which I thought was odd but let it pass. Anyway, I have started looking at schools and after reading some ofsted reports I have become very interested in a village school a couple of miles from where I live. I mentioned this and she now seems put out that I am thinking of it as my first choice for my child (she previously said, when I enquired, which school do you like - that she could only say if I don't get in ahead of me - which I thought was a weird thing to say). When I said are you thinking of said school too she said yes and seemed very annoyed and said that she had told me about that school (she hadn't! She didn't say any names of any schools!). I live much, much nearer to this school so if I applied (they only take around 7 kids a year and the village kids are first in) I would be in with a much stronger chance of getting in over her due to being nearer so maybe she is annoyed about that?!

We used to be quite friendly and email and we were going to meet this week (I have noticed I always seem to be the one to suggest a meet up) but I had to cancel due to work commitments (I am a freelancer) to which she emailed that that's fine and that she didn't even remember we were going to meet up anyway! (charming eh?!)

She also came to my child's birthday party recently and left before we even cut the cake citing an appointment (at 5pm on a Sunday Hmm ) and to be honest she is quite anal with her kids and her routine (which is fine really - up to her but as I am a bit pissed off with her it is something that is starting to grate)

Aibu to think she is acting like a bit of a dick and should I just keep my distance from now on? Who has dibs on a school? I also find the fact she loved the school yet wanted to keep it 'secret' in case I liked it a bit nasty?!

OP posts:
CailinDana · 13/09/2011 22:44

She's a freak. Keep away.

MrsJamesMartin · 13/09/2011 22:46

She does sound like she's being an arse. The school allocation is out of both your control anyway, unless she thinks visiting and speaking to the head makes any difference.

Take no notice and do what you want to do

Tortington · 13/09/2011 22:46

yes she;s a total dick

BoosMaw · 13/09/2011 22:49

She's crazy if she thinks you only noticed the existence of this school because she told you about it, and now considers you to be 'stealing' her child's place. Best avoid her.

yellowsubmarine41 · 13/09/2011 22:51

Schools send many parents into a state of prolonged hysteria. Fact.

In addition, she sounds odd and difficult to sustain a friendship with.

verytellytubby · 13/09/2011 22:52

She sounds strange. Run for the hills!

thisisyesterday · 13/09/2011 22:52

she IS acting like a bit of a dick yes. But I guess this is her "thing"... you know? the thing that you're really really concerned about for your kids and you want to do it just right and now it's getting a bit panicky and someone else might threaten it and yadda yadda yadda

so yes, she is being really unreasonable, but she obviously feels really strongly about the schools... she'll calm down soon enough I'm sure, and she is still the same person she was before underneath her pre-school application persona!

Original poster
wildhairrunning · 13/09/2011 23:03

Thanks everyone - it helps to hear what others think. She is very into making the right choices for her children - but aren't we all?! To be honest I have never met someone soooooo involved in how their children are - she is very strict on what they eat and when they eat and when we were at a birthday once her little girl (who loves sweet things but isn't allowed a lot and she controls their portion sizes) wanted more ice-cream than she was 'allocated' and had a bit of a cry so the mum (my 'friend') took it all away and didn't let her have any. She won't let them eat beyond a controlled portion sized amount (even if it is fruit foe example and if they wanted more than a little bowl of strawberries she won't let them and they get the 'look' for asking). She is always playing with them - they don't play by themselves at all really - and they have a million activities on the go! When her daughter started nursery the nursery teacher actually told her that her child needs to learn to play by herself as she was constantly entertaining her.

Tbh I don't really see why I am bothered that she is eif funny with me - that she is acting like this is actually quite childish and even nasty. What a shame as she seemed so nice.

OP posts:
Original poster
wildhairrunning · 13/09/2011 23:13

Is it worth saying anything or do I just back away?

OP posts:
BoosMaw · 13/09/2011 23:15

I'd say back away quietly, but then I'm a wuss! I'd worry it might seem confrontational to raise it with her, though she's probably not aware she came across the way she did.

Original poster
wildhairrunning · 13/09/2011 23:18

U are right - what's the point?! I'll stick to the nice friends I have! It's just so dissapointing as I though she was a nice woman but she is just being odd and not very nice now

OP posts:
mumsamilitant · 13/09/2011 23:20

Depends whether you need to confront/get it off your chest. I personally would say something because I wouldnt be able to keep my big gob shut I couldnt contain myself.

thisisyesterday · 13/09/2011 23:20

oh i would just see how it goes.
it's hard when you over-analyse stuff l ike that (i should know Blush) and if she generally stresses over doing everyhting "right" then i'd say things must be pretty stressful for her!

i wouldn't back off... i'd just act normally around her and see how it goes. she's stillthe same person you liked and got on with before isn't she? she's just having a stressy time right now

Original poster
wildhairrunning · 14/09/2011 07:22

The thing is, what would I say mumsamilitant? I don't have actual conclusive proof she is being an arse! It just seems like too much hassle and I really don't like that fact she wanted to keep the school 'secret' even though she probably knows from our conversations that this kind of school is what I would like. She also pulled a really angry ad annoyed face when I told her it was my first choice. The school is nowhere near where she lives either - about 8 or so miles from her and about 3.5 miles from me so it didn't even twig with me she would look so far out for her children!

OP posts:
peasandlove · 14/09/2011 07:41

she sounds like a no-fun zone. Just drop her

CoffeeIsMyFriend · 14/09/2011 07:46

Just smile and say hello. If this is how she acts when the kids are in nursery God knows how she will behave when it comes time for CATS SATS or heaven forbid 11+

Keep your distance, say nothing about her reaction to choice of school. That is her problem not yours.

Oh and nobody has dibs on a school... well catchment area first obviously. Smile

Original poster
wildhairrunning · 14/09/2011 07:59

But I have more chance of getting in than her right as I am much much nearer?! Oh dear, this is bribing out my evil side! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
wildhairrunning · 14/09/2011 08:02

Bringing out not bribing!

Peasandlove - you are right, it isn't really fun, it's all soooooo serious with her and she won't even sit and have a cuppa with me whilst the kids play - we have to be aortic with the kids playing with them and engaging with them at all times! Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
wildhairrunning · 14/09/2011 08:23

That was meant to say playing with the kids... My phone is being silly with words today!

OP posts:
Oggy · 14/09/2011 10:58

I learnt the lesson a while ago that sometimes you need to avoid talking schools with other parents, if everything apart from the school stuff is fine then I would just keep going as you are and just avoid school talk (which she seems happy to do).

If you have other issues with her outside of the school stuff then that's a different issue.

You don't know for sure that she was deliberately witholding info about the school to stop you from applying. I used to avoid talking about where I was applying because I didn't want friends to think it was a "slight" on their children's school that I wasn't considering it for my son.

Original poster
wildhairrunning · 14/09/2011 13:42

Thanks Oggy

There are other issues in that she is incredibly anal and it's hard work as she has started to be really funny - from her actions I do think the school thing is an issue.

When she came to my child's party she left before the
Cake cutting and happy birthday citing an appoinent at
5pm on a Sunday and would not let her children have any of the little
Cakes - I did make a plate of cakes up which she took but when her husband tried one there at table before they left she shot him the filthiest look and seemed very angry! Hmm

She is hard work

OP posts:
jeee · 14/09/2011 13:45

You obviously don't like her (she's 'anal', getting to be really funny, controlling...), so disengage.

Original poster
wildhairrunning · 14/09/2011 19:02

I know it seems like that but I just feel negative because she has been so weird about the school thing and is she is being very unfriendly and I suppose it has made me feel negative

OP posts:
TheBolter · 14/09/2011 19:06

Sounds like a nob. Move along and find some fun friends!

WilsonFrickett · 14/09/2011 19:07

she has been so weird about the school thing

From my privileged position of only one DC who is now firmly ensconsed in school - many, many parents are weird about the school thing. You might be being weird about the school thing too and just not noticing Grin. Let it cool off for a bit, see how things go, and you might find you'll be friends again once the PFB madness stops soon.