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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop taking the dcs to playgroup

29 replies

StickThemWithThePointyEnd · 13/09/2011 20:24

I have been going to this playgroup since DS1 was only a couple of months old. a friend invited me along so I could meet other parents with DCs of a similar age in the area. sinxe then I have made some friends there and ds1 likes to play with their kids.
As I posted on a different thread last week, some if these so called friends have treated me like absolute crap, and I told a couple of them to have a nice life because I just had enough.
AIBU to stop going to playgroup to avoid these people even though my DS1 loves going there, and I still have a couple of people in the group who are acting somewhat more like real friends towards me?
DS1 is 2.2 and goes to nursery 3 days a week where he gets to play with plenty of other children, just not with these particular children at this particular setting.

OP posts:
Maryz · 13/09/2011 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slavetofilofax · 13/09/2011 20:28

Get in touch with the people you are actual friends with, and invite them over for coffee.

Your ds will not miss out on anything by not going to this group, there are others and he gets social time at nursery too.

There is no point putting yourself through misery for absoluetly no gain to you or your ds.

Original poster
StickThemWithThePointyEnd · 13/09/2011 20:30

maryz I am posting from my phone and don't know how to copy and paste links but it was in chat, titled Picking up friendships after the summer holidays.

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 13/09/2011 20:31

Other thread aside - which may have bearing on my reply but - if my DC LOVED going somewhere and I had a couple of friends there I would still go.

It all sounds a bit childish - a couple of people at playgroup didn't treat you to your expectation and you told them where to go- that should be the end of it. Ultimately if you're not enjoying it then don't go.

Meteorite · 13/09/2011 20:34

Why should you leave if you've done nothing wrong? Just go there to meet your real friends :)

avoider · 13/09/2011 20:36

DCs at this age forget v quickly if you change a setting ime. If you're not enjoying going there, find somewhere else to go instead. I had to stop going to a playgroup I really liked, largely because the organisers changed the focus to young babies and wanted to discourage the 3 year olds. As such they were left with nothing to do but run up and down the hall, causing mayhem. We had to leave, sadly for me as I liked the mums there. But my 3 year old didn't bat an eyelid.

Original poster
StickThemWithThePointyEnd · 13/09/2011 20:42

Other thread is here

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 13/09/2011 21:01

Have read othere thread - it sounds like you are having a hard time. I think you are taking this all too personally as you are unwell. Do you have counselling for your PND?

One freind had 2 bleeds, anothersaid she'd been busy with her own DC. Can you not accept they have their own lives and they have just been unavailable? It isn't about you or how they feel toward you.

Hope you feel better soon Smile

KittyFane · 13/09/2011 21:06

Just read some of your posts on other thread - no, don't stop going but here's what I think, what I'd do (and did because I have been there believe me)....

Stop believing the hype.. ok, they may meet up but a lot of people are very good at giving off the busy busy popular mum vibe which can make a person who is down feel terrible.

Stop feeling an 'outsider'...again, some people use in jokes the way that cats pee on the grass to mark their territory. Do things that make you and DC happy with or without this crowd, go to other groups and meet new people as well as them.

It sounds like you confidence is at an all time low, trouble is, when we feel like s**t we are not always the best people to be around which then makes us feel worse if everyone else seems to be having a great time. Work on feeling better by doing good things with family or friends you know well.

KittyFane · 13/09/2011 21:07

In summary, don't take it personally :)

Original poster
StickThemWithThePointyEnd · 13/09/2011 21:12

you are talking sense - it is actually what I was suspecting when I was thinking about the whole matter, I just don't know whether it wouldn't just be easier for me to stop going..

otoh, without going into the complete back-story it is hard to explain why those two texts upset me and made me react the way they did, and I am not sure I want much to do with the person who said she was busy with her DCs anymore. I don't fancy sitting in the hall feeling stupid and like I can't take part in conversation because she is the centre of all attention, as per usual. Might sound childish but regularly makes me feel like crap anyway.

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 13/09/2011 21:19

I'm a face your fears kind of person. I think if it makes you feel crap, there is something you need to face up to. Just my view, many will disagree. TBH if you are upset that she is seeking/getting attention, maybe you need to address your need for/lack of attention.

Use them as a conduit for personal growth - or fuck off the group Grin

PeneloPeePitstop · 13/09/2011 21:20

I did playgroup with the eldest, never bothered with the younger ones.
But then I am a hermit.

Original poster
StickThemWithThePointyEnd · 13/09/2011 21:27

it's not so much about her getting the attention, but the fact that she stops me from being able to get involved in any sort of conversation because I just get ignored and talked over. yup, it's like being back in primary school again, and I hate that feeling.
PPP I am a hermit, too. Leaving the house for playgroup is as much socialising as I usually get to do during the week unless there are plans made especially with someone, but usually not.

OP posts:
KittyFane · 13/09/2011 21:31

Go and be yourself, if you feel like being quiet, be quiet and if you want to talk, talk.
I have often had that sick feeling when I have realised that others know each other really well and I don't. It is about facing your fears. Don't worry if these people don't become lifelong friends. It doesn't matter. Just go and enjoy your time with the DC.

DoMeDon · 13/09/2011 21:33

Have you considered counselling/assertiveness course?

She makes you feel ignored then? Try the old MN fave of - 'Sorry, did you mean to be that rude?'

KittyFane · 13/09/2011 21:34

The woman you are talking about is p**sing on her territory ( horrid expression I know) as I said before... Why does she do this? Because she needs to be in control because she is insecure. Remember that.

Original poster
StickThemWithThePointyEnd · 13/09/2011 21:37

I am having counselling and CBT and am on the waiting list for interpersonal therapy.
She makes me feel like I am not wanted there. If I was a little braver I would love to try saying that to her, but I think my voice would probably shake and I would look monumentally stupid saying it.

OP posts:
AliGrylls · 13/09/2011 21:39

I always find playgroups are primarily for your DCs not for you - go there and enjoy it with them rather than those people who sound like a complete waste of time. If I were in your position, so long as some people were still friendly there, I would continue with it. I would also try and find other playgroups. There are probably loads of things if you just look around a bit.

I completely understand how you feel. I have been in a similar situation with my ante-natal group. They are just completely different to me and actually the fact that they didn't actually want to stay in touch with me was probably an indication of this.

KittyFane · 13/09/2011 21:40

No, you could ignore her. Anyone who tries to control others this way is out of order and insecure. So, who cares if she wants you there or not? Are the others sheep? Talk to them.

Original poster
StickThemWithThePointyEnd · 13/09/2011 21:43

Ali that's why I was unsure whether to stop going or not. DS1 does enjoy going there a lot and he gets excited when we even just drive past the building.

OP posts:
twinklingfairy · 13/09/2011 21:45

Not read the other thread but I had to leave a much loved playgroup that I had taken both my DCs to for over 3 years.
I Loved the group, joining the committee was the worst thing I could have done.
I was chairperson but the treasurer took over the whole kit and caboodle, treating me like a fool. Even had a stand up argument in her house one day where she called me for all sorts and told me my ideas were just stupid.
A week later she raved to the group about what a great idea it had been but, of course giving no credit but allowing assumption to lead to her being the ultimate organising queen bee.

She really was an awful piece of work.
Eventually when it came time to get a new committee together myself and the secretary took our leave and she took over completely!
Teas/coffees, set up close down, Everything.

I couldn't stand it so had to stop going.
I was and still am Gutted Sad but it just not worth the upset.

My DS should have had another year of the group and really loved it. It is the best group around but he has also forgotten all about it so I don't feel so bad about that anymore.
Still cross that a woman, whos children have grown out of it and are in Nursery and school, has taken the place of my son. Simply because she is a bored housewife who wants to be in full control of something/anything!

What I am trying to say is, if it makes you unhappy, don't go. Simple as that AFAIC.

I had a couple of good friends who still went for a bit but I could not be sure that they would be there every week so would not take the risk of feeling awkward for the duration.

I take DS to other things instead. Library rhyme time, music class. Less chatting, more child focussed, but it gets us out and he is happy. So I am.

twinklingfairy · 13/09/2011 21:53

Well, ok, I will admit. My DS does still shout, 'That was toddlers mummy' when we go past.
I normally reply 'yeah, but we don't go there anymore, do we?'
I do hate going past on Tuesday mornings when the place is full of cars and I wonder, should I go in?
But it really did mess with my head for about 6 months, culminating with the argument. I held out for about 4 weeks (It was christmas and my DS deserved his party D$mn it) and did not return in the new year.
sigh.
Still, DS is in Nursery now so he is a happy bunny.

Maryz · 13/09/2011 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skinnymuffin · 13/09/2011 22:55

I've read both threads, I'm really sorry you are feeling like this STWTPE. You are a lovely person and I think you deserve better friends than these - I didn't like the tone of their replies much, whatever you have going on in your own life it isn't right to be harsh with someone who is CLEARLY trying to reach out (the one who came over sounds nice though).

Making friends with mums is a bit like being back at school isn't it? All the cliques, bullies etc come out to play all over again...

There are nice people out there though, perhaps try a few other groups over the coming weeks and see what/who turns up? Your DCs will quickly make new friends. I think it's ok to put yourself first at the moment. Besides, you can always go back when you're feeling more confident. It's worth considering that if you are stressed out by this group that isn't helping your DCs anyway, IYSWIM.

I hope things improve whatever you decide to do. Life is too short to let other people make you feel sad. I never ever do this (especially on aibu!!) but [hug].

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