On the edge

[Simmon]

We have two daughters, 4 and 7, now both at school.

I've growing concerns re my wife becoming increasingly fanatical about pretty much everything. There is nothing in our house/lifestyle that isn't a threat to our children. Mobile phones, wireless hubs, chopping boards, lip salve, dirty electricity (that's a long one to discuss), baby monitors, "the garden", leave in conditioner, dishwasher tablets, microwave ovens, barbeques....I could go on.

We've had some counselling over the issues that have driven us apart. Basically my wife has taken from it that I can't react to any of her behaviours just to keep her happy, however the behaviour is getting more extreme and I can't get her to see that it's out of hand and becoming detrimental to our children.

All our friends see how unrelaxed she is and find her hard work, her sister had a massive fall out on holiday as she couldn't cope. Her mum sits on the fence as she doesn't want to offend her. Her dad see's it all, but she doesn't listen to him.

My wife would love a third child, and treats our youngest as a child to hang to the baby element. In the climate that has been around for 7 years, I've never wanted a third child. I've put both of a children to bed around 5 times in 7 years as my wife always wants to do it and doesn't have any outside hobbies. She continues to lift our youngest at 1am to pee, but any discussions to try not lifting and moving on isn't heard.

I find it unfair on our youngest who is used to still be spoon/fork fed, warm milk morning and night. Her appetite is judged by mum not our daughter. Bribes and blackmail for ice-creams are regularly handed out, even though our daughter has said she's not hungry at least three times.
They are not obese children at all, but one of my concern is the lack of encouraging independence and the ongoing fears of the world v's her young children. There seems no perspective, and I've given up trying to discuss it as she can justify everything and turns it into an argument which ends with, if that's what keeps me happy leave me to it.
It is easier for me not be in the kitchen when she is cooking, preparing and feeding our children. Any raw meat is treated as nuclear waste. I love to cook for the children, but I've given up when my wife is around. I get two days a week of doing supper, bath and books which keeps me sane, but it's not enough. I'm told what to cook, when and for how long......I'm then the child.

If anyone can shed any light on what is normal I'd be grateful. She's changed so much in the last 10 years, I'm on my knees with it.

Regards Simmon

Hi again Simmon. Firstly I think you sound like an amazing, understanding and supportive dad and husband.

As an Oxbrigder myself I would dare to say most Oxbridgers are slightly eccentric/ controlling . In a way it's that perfectionist mentality that drives success in career but can also lead to eating disorders / controlling behaviour (similar to your wife's). My psychological debate aside...

Is there anyone in the family / a close friend that could speak to her (someone she will listen to / respects) that could explain whilst routine is important it is not the be all and end all; also that her behaviour is isolating you from your children?

I hate to say it, but at the end of the day it takes two to make a marriage work. You sound like you are trying your hardest but there needs to be some compromise from your wife too.

ps the salt water thing is just weird! I would assume it would dry your lips out even more.

*Oxbridger

Thanks again all.

I think there is a chance that if any medication were prescribed on her medical records she would deem it failure, and potentially a threat that I could win custody with the children over this.

Yes we have discussed divorce.

We have frank and honest discussions only occasionally when I can't cope any more (the elastic band that has no more stretch). I tell her not to worry,fuss make life more difficult etc but I'm not heard. I've tried every method of communcation softly softly to tackling it head on and challenging her when she cooks. But when the voices raise, the children she me as the big bad wolf. They know she is fussy, but don't realise what I'm trying to do.

In the eyes of my wife I probably am reckless. However I'm normal. Bike hats essential, no knives for the children, we still have cupboards locks. The issue with the bbq is that she thinks that 300C and scrapping isnt enough to kill bacteria. We can't have spontaneous bbqs as she has to deep clean all bits top and bottom before it goes into use (pre children, she didn't mind at all).
We've moved onto Ecover dishwasher tablets and rinse aid. Yet still she will rinse pots and pans ready for cooking. Pour boiling water on wooden spoons and chopping boards (although she's recently moved onto "air chopping" over a bowl to avoid any contact with wood or plastic)..
I cook for the children infrequently and ensure things are cooked through etc, however beacuse I don't go through the rituals that my wife does, I sure I would be deemed a dirty cook. I cook any chicken before she comes come, it's just easier.

What I haven't mentioned is that she had some anti anxiety meds pre children. I'd forgotten this bit. It could be the opening of the conversation.

Thanks for the advice on the next direction, I will mull it over and work out a plan.

Regards

S

Good luck!

Gosh Simmon she does sound very ill to me. It souds rather like post traumatic stress disorder or similar, leading into OCD. The high anxiety levels, the fear of disease and for the children's safely is way more than normal. I think you need to lay it on the line, she needs to seek medical help and counselling or you won't continue to live like that.

I have every sympathy with you both. I had PTSD after a trauma and cannot believe how much it changes you. It seems to accentuate any core personality traits, to blow them out of all proportion. It's a frightening way to live. In fact, it's not living, it's existing. In fear of death and disease all day every day.

I really hope you can get help. I think I read somewhere else on here, you can speak to your wife's doctor, even though the doctor can't discuss her case with you. It may flag things up for when your wife next goes.

Why were the chilldren on anti anxiety meds? If your wife's behaiour is now impacting on them, and why wouldn't it, you have every right to insist on help.

As a child with a mother exactly like that ( different issues but the same level of control) put your kids first! If she won't go to the GP & get help then you need to take over. My dad was soft, din't want arguments etc but all that has resulted in is a mother who I no longer see, who hasn't seen her grand kids or been out the house for years. And lots of issues for me to deal with as a child.

Simmon I have every sympathy with you both in what must be an awful situation. You sound like you are a loving and supporting husband but your wife is very ill and she needs to seek medical help. I have suffered from OCD myself and think her behaviour will only escalate from here as no matter what precautions she takes she will never feel free from anxiety so will take more and more precautions in a vicious circle.

This is not a healthy environment in which to raise children and you are not giving them a chance to experience a healthy parental relationship.

I sincerely help your wife will seek out the help she needs because OCD is treatable with a combination of medication and therapy and you don't have to go on like this.

Can I suggest contacting MIND for some advice?
www.mind.org.uk/

I agree with everyone here who has suggested that your wife is suffering from mental illness - PTST, OCD, and Generalised Anxiety Disorder are all possible, and your wife needs professional help - even now her behaviour is damaging your young children, they should not be learning this extreme fear of germs etc. The lip balm, the not chopping on surfaces - all are ringing alarm bells for me. I'm not an MH professional but I have been working in the field for a very long time and would be willing to bet that your wife would score threshold on any number of diagnostic criteria.

Here are the details of a charity specialising in anxiety:
Anxiety UK

Even though you are not the sufferer they nay be able to help you. Mind are also a very good organisation.