DD pushed over by her BF

[twinklingfairy]

DD is in P1, will turn 5 next week.
The way the class seems to have worked out is that she has no-one to play with but this one girl (perhaps another but I can't get out of DD why she doesn't go to her)
It is a class of 18, only 6 girls.
This one girls DD ends up with is the DD of a friend, so they have visited each others houses a few times, I thought it would be good for her to make friends.
But, it seems I have made a mistake.
I have now witnessed this girl screaming at my DD to 'Twinkles DD, Come Here' in an aggressive manner, when she was playing with other girls. Then being blanked when the girl decided to run off with someone else (seperate days). Another day she and another of DDs 'good' friends were chasing her trying to pull out her hair bobbles. Which they succeeded in doing, a teacher had to replace it.

The same day I saw the blanking was when the girl ran to an older girl, who both then blanked my DD.
At lunch time on Friday ( I finally got the whole story from DD on Sunday) the girl pushed DD on her upper arm, so hard that she fell to the ground, hurting her side and landing in wet grass whilst shouting 'Go Away, Twinkles DD!!'
The older girl witnessed this and did nothing.
DD got herself up and said 'That is not a very nice thing to do!' and went to tell the play ground supervisor. Then went inside the school, knocked on the Staff room door and told her teacher.

I don't know what to do now.
I really want DD to stay away from this girl and have talked to her about finding other girls in the playground to play with. That it is nice to have a good friend but, if they are not reliable, that she needs to have others.
There was a P3 girl who tried to befriend DD but DD was too shy I think so she has given up.
I have encouraged DD to find her and try a bit harder.

At Church on Sunday, at sunday school, she met a P2 girl.
I met her too and asked that maybe she could find DD in the playground because someone had pushed her. The girl said that she would.

DD was in tears as I put her to school today.
I don't know if it was the stress of the morning. We slept in and DD is a ditherer at the best of times so a bit of shouting normally happens to get her to move, today I felt was no different.

We forgot her school dinner money, so I popped in with it at breaktime and happened to catch the headmistress ( I know her a little outside of the school) so I had a wee word asking if DD could be moved teams (she is in a team with the girl) in order that she was not sitting with her, being under her influence too much.
When I was saying about the controlling nature and the pushing she did one of those smiles that say 'silly mummy over reacting'
Am I?
I just hate to think of her growing up under this influence because she is a wee softy.

Your dd told the play ground supervisor. Then went inside the school, knocked on the Staff room door and told her teacher. You asked another pupil in the school to go and find your dd as the other girl had pushed her and keep an eye on her i assume. You had a word with the Head and requested your dd not sit next to the girl, due to her controlling nature. You have now had a word with the parent.

I think its safe to say, you have it well and truly covered!

Perhaps Bf was not the correct terminology to use. It is that this was the name I heard most often. The girl with whom she appeared to play with every break time.
DD does have lots of friends. She would refer to everyone in her class as her BF. It is just that at break times they seem to scatter to the wind and DD is left with this girl in particular.
I don't want anyone getting the impression that my DD is sticking to one friend and one friend alone, but she does appear to end up with her, a lot.
Her friend since babydom is a DS of another friend but the school has separate doors for girls and boys so she ends up with the girls and this one hadn't been dashing off to find older siblings/cousins etc so she and DD seemed to stick together.
It was worrying for me anyhow, I think I may have over worried because I saw it coming. Well, that is, I did not imagine that DD would literally be shoved out but YKWIM.

This morning the girl in question has blanked her again for the older girl. Saying excitedly this is my new best friend blank, you're not my BF and more Twinks DD.
Her dad was stood right behind her and admonished her gently, then smiled and shrugged at me.
DD ran to the girl who literally ran straight past her without looking, almost bashing shoulders in an attempt to get to blank and past DD.
So I have told DD that when this girl is with blank she is to stay well clear of them. It is not worth it.
Not sure DD is taking it on board just yet because I could see she was itching to go to the girl as soon as I stopped talking. But you can only do so much, eh?

because you just want to have a word with the nasty, don't you, but of course, you can't.
Playgrounds, I hate 'em!
Wish I had the balls to HE but she would miss out on stuff too. In every walk of life you have to take the rough with the smooth.

It sounds like very typical behaviour at that age, and you fussing around and fretting about it is not going to help your childs confidence either. Leave them to it, and it will sort itself out.

In my defence, I am fussing a fretting on here.
DD is pretty unaware of how much it is annoying me other than my suggesting that she look for other people at playtime and avoid this girl when she is with blank.
She doesn't know that I have spoken to the headmistress but was aware that I spoke to the mother because both girls were present at the time but I will not apologise for that because, if her own parents will not admonish her for shoving aggressively, she can at least know that the mother in question has been told and will not tolerate.
Bullies can only be bullies if they instil fear.
My DD has shown none.

I have done what I have done, perhaps it was too much, but I will do no more.
DD knows to tell an adult, the full story, next time and ... well, the rest I have said.
But I can surely vent on here?

"perhaps another but I can't get out of DD why she doesn't go to her"

"I finally got the whole story from DD on Sunday"

"talked to her about finding other girls in the playground to play with"

"There was a P3 girl who tried to befriend DD but DD was too shy I think so she has given up. I have encouraged DD to find her and try a bit harder"

"maybe she could find DD in the playground because someone had pushed her. The girl said that she would"

Thats just from your OP, if your anxious, your dd will pick up on it.

Just take a step back however hard it is and leave her to sort it out. Sorry if that sounds harsh, your dd sounds like a real sweetie and its difficult having to watch their lovely nature and innocent be taken advantage of, but they have to learn unfortunately.

You are right, I have to. And I will now.
I spoke to DD twice, the first being on the journey home from school, about the whole thing. I was not quizzing her constantly and it was she who brought it up on Sunday morning so all I tried to do was get a full story. It took the length of a 5-10 min journey during which I made any suggestions I have mentioned.
Before school, on Monday, she was in tears so, not knowing what was up I made a few queries as to why she was upset reminding her that she had lots of other friends to look for if that was her worry.
Whilst she was at school I popped in, happened to catch the Headmistress, DD knows nothing of that.
That evening, after class, I made passing comments to the mother lightheartedly, until my final quip because her laughing at it had shocked me.

So ok, three time it has been mentioned to DD, two of which was her instigation.
I am not sure that it can be said that I am making DD anxious of worried. can it? I really hope not because I have tried to be lighthearted about and not bad mouth her friend to her, but make her aware, though she was aware enough herself to go immediately to an adult and to the staff room, that that kind of behaviour is unacceptable.

So I am venting here, that doesn't mean that DD is completely aware of how concerned I am, I wouldn't have thought.

Next time you are talking to one of the other girl's parents and she does something mean to your dd, howabout saying something along the lines of:
It's such a shame that your dd feels that the way to impress her new friends/the big girls by bullying dd and it's really beginning to get her down. Funny I always used to think that your dd used to be such a nice girl...

Not sure if I'd go on to say anything directly to ask her to have words with her dd to tell her to stop being a bully or if that would backfire on dd and make it worse. Also would depend how brave I was feeling, would probably find it difficult to say the first sentence! Would have to have a sentence that was suitably general and practise in my head lots first!

And if the man does the shruggy thing again I'd say something along the lines of of cor your dd gets off lightly! Dd would never get away without being told off, especially if she was being a bully. Thats something I'd hate. At least it's not been a problem we've run into yet. How are you dealing with it now with your dd - do you think it's working?

Ok so again wouldn't probably be brave enough to say all that but but would like to!

Twinkling, i have a ds who suffers with anxiety, this is one of the reasons other children dont want to play with him, the other kids dont know he suffers with anxiety, but they pick up on it. You would be surprised at what kids pick up on, it doesnt have to be blantly obvious for kids to pick up.

Im not suggesting that you suffer with anxiety, just to clarify my point about kids picking up on anxious behaviour

Bollocks to anyone who thinks it is normal playground behaviour and nothing to get upset about if a child is pushed over and shouted at to go away. If the other child is not made aware that her behaviour is wrong, she will never know. I would be mortified if my dc behaved like that.

I cannot be sure that Anything was said to the girl who pushed. If the school didn't find out until Monday that it had been deliberate, I am not sure that they did anything, though they may have made her apologise (I can't be sure) and a apology is different to a wee lecture about pushing so hard being wrong, and the mother thought it was funny?
Sounds like a bully in training, to me.

Twink, really, and I mean this with love, let. it. go

You are in danger of making this into a much bigger issue than it is and I'm not sure labelling a child a bully like that is especially helpful

You need to step back a bit because you will drive yourself mad trying to manage and control every interaction your DD has at school

You've spoken to the HT. You've spoken to the other girl's mom. Now try and unclench a bit. If you say something to the other mom like zipzap suggests I can gaurantee you stand up row

zipzap - if someone was that passive aggressive to me at school I would see red - be direct by all means but not passive aggressive - it really is fumeworthy.

zipzaps suggestions made me laugh because they are similar to my thoughts but I would never say all that to anyone. I said as much as I had the balls to say.

I have left it.
I have said that. I have given DD all the advice I can, all I can hope is that she follows it, but hey she's 5

The first year of primary is a learning experience for both the dc and the parent. I was horrified by the level of unkindness and aggression my DD was exposed to. But it's all a learning experience for them and unless it's a persistent problem you need to stand back.

In time you realise that they all have this experience of best friend dropping them, coming back, playing with someone else, yours having nobody to play with. At age 4/5 they are not capable of much empathy or loyalty. In some ways it's good. It forces them to be brave and branch out.

Gradually they learn to expand their group of friends. They are most certainly not capable of choosing a friend with any consideration of suitability. Over time, that happens. I can see my now 6 year old is veering away from the bossy types and moving towards those that don't argue all the time and like to play the same games as she does.

I think what I'm trying to say is that this is normal playground behaviour (which is I guess why the ht didn't take it seriously) and rather than complaining to the teacher you need to teach your dc how to deal with it. E.g. how did you feel about that? Maybe you should find somebody else to play with etc.

I think your first instinct 'silly mummy over reacting' instinst was spot on - mountain/molehill.

Of course you can vent on here but you vented EVERYWHERE.

Glad you've decided to let it go.

lol, you're right I did

It breaks your heart watching them go through this stuff tho. Thankfully, they are more resilient than we are.

Zipzap comments reminded me of a michael mcintyre joke about him taking his son to toddler group and another child taking a toy away from his child, leaving his child in tears and the mother said to him "they have to learn to share" and his reply "no, your child is a thief"

haha.
You see this is why I turn to MN in times of worry.
You get your odd hard line poster but mostly, I feel, I get common sense.

Perhaps I needn't have talked to Everyone but I am glad I didn't just brush over it.

But I love that it can be joked about too.

Well if you are going to take Zipzap advice, you may as well just push the mother to the floor and say "oops i dont know my own strength"

Ok, perhaps im getting a bit carried away now

it doesnt take away the worry for your dcs twinklingfairy but reception can be tougher on parents than children, you will learn when things are important and not, you will mention or talk to teacher about things you could have should have left. I have often done the see what happens tomorrow or see how dd is after school and if she has forgotton, not sworth mentioning, if dd mentions something that worries her a few days in a row, its worth a mention. I would always try to talk to teacher and not other parents .

I would be afraid of you getting punched if you said what zipzap suggested

I think you need to be careful that your don't teach your daughter that every little playground scuffle is important or to view herself as a victim.

Because it sounds like you view her as a victim.

She is a right softy Morloth, but she surprises me with her fearless reactions.
She was not afraid to tell an adult straight away and Then go knocking on the staffroom door.
But she did bring it up more than once festi and I think a good hard shove to the floor is more than a playground scuffle. Surely a scuffle would be the two of them, not just one bigger girl having the power to shove another to the floor.
Scuffles and 'your not my best friend anymore' games I will leave well alone.
Though, TBH, I don't see my DD being involved in scuffles. I would like to think she would walk away first. But who knows what she might do.

claw, haha.
I am not sure I could push her mother down any easier than DD could push her daughter.

I must say I had not realised this was the much bigger girl who had pushed your dd, and also I think to bring this up with the teacher would also not be unreasonable, my dds teacher in recption was very good at keeping an eye on friendship issues when parents had concernes. What I wanted to emphasise was it is best to go strait to school and not other parents.