to think you can forget without forgiving?

[MitchiestInge]

more or less forget anyway

do you think it's an absolute sort of state, where a person either forgives or is eaten up with carcinogenic bitterness, or a bit more spectrumy where you might resolutely refuse to to forgive but are not particularly damaging yourself?

I expect sermons everywhere were along similar lines yesterday? There was a lot of contradictory stuff about justice which sounded too vengeful to be wholly compatible with forgiveness - surely you haven't forgiven if underneath it all you are quietly gleeful about wrongdoers getting their just desserts in the afterlife.

It was the idea that you either forgave or were somehow consumed that rankled. I like the moving on, memories fading but no mandatory forgiveness approach - if there is such a thing.

By 'forget'- do you mean put to the back of your mind or 'forget completely what happened'?

I can certainly put some things to the back of my mind (so that bitterness doesn't eat away) without forgiving.

For example, I have not forgiven a certain someone for treating me badly but I put it to the back of my mind for the sake of harmony.
Some might say it's all filed away in my head and it is but does not eat away at me.

Depends on the situation... There are some things I would feel unable to forgive or forget and it would feel like hell.

I do sometimes wonder what people think God is there for

re if I want to forgive somebody - only because I know how much harm it causes me to hold on to it - but find I can't, I can ask God to do it for me. in my weakness he is strong and all that.

I have had at least one experience where someone was so unbelievably, breathtakingly vile and caused me a lot of harm and, praying that I could forgive her (only because etc) I completely unexpectedly kind of saw her, saw what had happened to her, how it had messed her up and made her an evil witch. It brought tears to my eyes tbh - it was heartbreaking. I still didn't like her - she still had choices - and kept my distance but I felt differently towards her; not warm, exactly, but erm.... forgiving? I swear I could just let what she did drop. I didn't forget though - I'd be a fool to forget something like that - but it has gone, it's in the past.

tbh what goes round comes round. I didn't used to think so but I've been around long enough to see that it does, it really does. you reap what you sow. (that's a sobering thought)

I suppose yes, back of mind - or at very least control what how and when I remember, whilst retaining the right to not forgive (by which I think I mean cease to hold accountable?) without falling prey to anger and bitterness

is it too much to want, that's if it even makes any sense?

I can't even think about the whole religious thing of not being forgiven for lesser things if you don't forgive others who have done far worse things, it doesn't seem just

Forgiveness is difficult which is why we need God's help. No one said it was easy to achieve.

To me forgiveness, means that you do not constantly call that person to account or seek revenge. It does not mean that you see what they have done as OK or you have to forget or even completely trust them again.

For example if a victim of sexual abuse CHOOSES to forgive then that is her decision. She might choose to forgive her abuser, but she would be stupid to allow a paediophile to baby sit.

I was seriously assulted at 19 years old and it has taken many years for me to be at peace with myself. At one stage I was filled with complete and utter hatred and ruminated about what had happened. Over the years I have learnt not to call my attacker to account mentally as it was doing me no good. It was poisoning me.

I find it hard, but then Jesus forgave those who crucified him.

I gave up on religion a long time ago after my priest told me that DS [ASD] was not welcome in his church.

oh do please give up on religion but don't mix it up with the gorgeous GOD! He's fantastic, people not quite so...

I don't think you have to forgive or forget, in fact I'd say that forgetting is impossible mostly. The key to a happy future is more about accepting and moving foward, allowing the memory to op up from time to time, without allowing it to take over eveything else.

Forgiveness often doesn't happen for many years, maybe never and you cannot wipe your memory. For me, forgiveness is something I won't give to a specific person (neither would they care) and I will never forget, so I allowed myself to think about it, I didn't hide it away. For years the memory would hit me out of the blue, then slowly it got boring in a way.

Don't blame every bad thing on that one bad thing you can't forgive or forget either, give it its rightful place in your life's history, store it, accept its there and look forward.

I hate the term 'move on' and the term 'get over it'.... butlittle by little you can move on AND get over it.

I'm not religious, but I do believe.

So what do you do when you want to forgive (as well as forget) but you just can't. You just simply can't?

I have tried to forgive someone who was once in my life, but the consequenses still hurt and still have a huge affect on my life. If anything, it hurts more now than it did initially.

I really have tried to forgive, or forget, either would help! I have tried understanding, and to some extent I can, I can see the hurt this person has caused to themself, but I find forgiving this particular thing very difficult.

How do you do it? Is it possible if you aren't religious?

I will add though that IF you can forgive, it is liberating in a way. Pity for someone's misdeeds is easier than bitterness and hatred. I'm not religious, but I see the merits of trying to forgive.

I forgive most things but in my so called brothers case he can rot in hell for all I care and I'll never forgive him for what he did.

Something happened to me a few years ago.

I will NEVER forgive and will certainly NEVER forget. BUT, I have been able to let it go. I had to, it was doing my head in. The only way I could move forward was to let it go, but, I certainly won't forgive and forget.

If someone has done something which offended me deeply I tend not to forgive and/or forget because that feels like excusing them or even condoning.

I do try to let go of the need for revenge, and to put it behind me and not dwell on it

So quite a few of you have let go, moved on, got past things or left them behind (which could be as good as, even if not synonymous with, forgetting) without forgiveness?

Is that something more than the passage of time, is it a conscious choice you make over and over until it works - how did you do it?

filofax - in answer to your question "So what do you do when you want to forgive (as well as forget) but you just can't. You just simply can't?" - you could try addressing what you believe ("I'm not religious but I do believe") ie an entity, a beneficent higher power, to give you the ability to forgive, to do it for/in you; that you have tried but can't do it yourself and want to be free of it, could he/it/she do it because you can't.

michiest, I think it's the easiest thing to forget without forgiving. File it away.

MitchiestInge, I think partly the passage of time but also realising that I was holding onto and sort of wallowing in bitterness, so trying to move on and let whatever it was fade into the past