AIBU about DN, SIL and DMums Heirlooms

[poormesomemore]

Right - taken a drink and really upset about this so...

My DMum died 16 days ago. Which means both my parents are now longer living.
So with both parents gone, buried etc we are slowly beginning going though her belongings. Now some things are simple (eg paintings/pieces of furniture) but it is her jewlery that is the problem.
I'm the youngest of 3, a sister and a brother both are married DSis has a DSandDD and DBro has a DD. And because it is relevant DMum is their Step-mum (DSis is 16yrs older than me and DBro 19 yrs)
We decided that things like earings she wore all the time/favourite necklace and brotchs we should divide between us to give to our respective DCs (I have 4 as well)
But it is the rings that are really upsetting me
She wore 3:
Her wedding ring
A Diamond ring she got for her 50th
Her granny's weddig ring

Now diamond ring I can understand going to one of my DN's

So sorry for your loss.... As for your question though i dont see why any of the rings should be shared, they should all go to you and i think you've been generous enough to share anything with them, as you were her actual blood relative they have their own mother to ponder over what will be shared out between them.

Keep hold of the rings and if they get upset over it say that she was your real mum so feel they should stay in your family i.e your daughters etc.

take care

This is why my mum a stepmother to my 3 siblings has left all her jewellery in her will to my DD and it's to be valued and the same value be given in cash to my DS.

I don't understand what possible claim your SIL can think her daughter has.

Your Mum, your jewellery.

You are the executors of the will, so the rings should not be distributed already with out yours and your sisters say so, jointly.

I think it's all happened too quickly and a proper discussion should be held.

Who has got the stuff now? Make sure you either keep her house locked well - change the locks? - or keep important stuff at your house and decide later.

If you are the only child of your Mum, then the others should get lost. You should have first dibs on everything as a blodd relative.

If your Mum wanted others to have stuff she would have specified this in her will. Check with your solicitor.

I think you need to slow right down and have a proper discussion about this with your siblings. I was the executor and main beneficiary of my grandmother's will - I was the youngest grandchild but I was the one who lived with my grandparents so a lot of her possessions were things I had grown up with. I let a lot of very personal and treasured items go to the other two grandchildren just because I didn't want to make a fuss and I now wish I had been firmer about a fair distribution.

Why not emphasise the point that your nieces and nephews have a living grandmother who will presumably feature much more strongly in their lives and their memories, while your children no longer have their grandmother and their only concrete link will be her personal possessions. Perhaps ask them if they would be happy if you asked for one of their mother's very personal items too give to your children, no blood relation to her. They may simply not have thought in those terms.

I would be inclined to say, as politely and kindly as possible, that the most personal of her jewellery WILL be going to her own blood descendants who will be the people for whom these items will have most meaning, but that you appreciate that the other children had a close relationship with your mother, blood connection or no blood connection, and that you want them to have something from the other jewellery to remember her by and you are therefore happy to make a fair distribution of the other items.

If all reason fails then it might be time to throw an epic wobbly - perhaps if I had done so I would still have one of the most treasured items belonging to my grandfather and wouldn't feel a little pang of resentment every time I think about it.

As I see it, she was your Mother and so her belongings should be yours, all of her personal belongings, jewellery etc. I would tell your sister that you would like to grieve before dividing belongings. The when you feel strong enough tell them what you'll be keeping.

They sound a bit grabby.

Of course the jewellry should go to you. They have their own mother to inherit jewellry from. Just stall them for now - tell them you're not ready to make decisions, and then argue about it when you feel a bit stronger - it's very early days for you.

I'm very sorry about your mum.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Oh babe - I'm sorry for your loss hope you are doing better this morning.

Don't do this now, put them in a box and keep all of it for x amount of time. This is raw and will make you more upset about it all if you do it now.

As your DSis and DBro are your half siblings I would say that the wedding ring and granny's ring go to you, and guessing by what you said, to give to your DD's when they are older (guessing they are young).
Your DN's have another gandmother still living (guessing they had 3 grandmothers) they will get her heirlooms they don't need the your DMums as well. And I seriously don't get why your SIL is saying this stuff (your DBro I could get but not here)
You seem to not 'care' as much about the diamond ring - as in your DCs getting it. I obviously don't know the indrictacies of your sibling relationships but you seem very close to your sister (compared to brother) and guessing your mum was too, if you are close and our executors of will. Maybe give DSis the diamond for her DD. If they were close it is a way of getting something special for her DD that doesn't mean getting a blood heirloom.

When my nan died, wedding ring and engagement rings went to me (I grew up with her comared to siblings and cousins) My mum took some jewlery for herself and pieces for my sis' and then put all the rest in a jewlery box in the house for my aunts and uncles to pick something out for their DC when they felt ready. Would allowing them siblings (not your SIL) to chose pieces for DC themselves pacify her about the rings??

So sorry for your loss.

You are the executors. It's you and your Sis's decision. That's the main thing. Your SIL can offer any opinion whe wants to, but it's UP TO YOU. So tell them that YOU will not be discussing any of this right now, it needs to wait until you feel up to it.

The rings should all come to you, in my opinion. It's YOUR mum, not your DB's. If there was no will, it would all legally come to you. They weren't related to your mum and they don't inherit anything from her - that's the bottom line. Of course that makes no difference when it comes to family feeling and of course they want to have a keepsake from her - but, you have already taken care of that! You are already passing on pieces of jewellery as mementoes to the step-grandchildren.

That most of all indicates that the reason your SIL is kicking up a fuss is not because she wants her children/herself to have a keepsake from your mum - she wants a ring because they are valuable. And that is pretty disgusting actually. How on earth are they managing to be upset that you are getting more inheritance when they have more people to inherit from? The division is presumably financially fair - that's the point of it.

I actually feel quite angry for you and I think you should simply put your foot down - about ALL the rings. They have absolutely NO right to them.

How will you feel in the future to see your DNs wearing not only their own granny's rings, but YOUR mum and granny's rings? And then passing your granny's rings down to their children - children with absolutely no connection to her? It's mad.

All three rings belong to you. They aren't part of any discussion. They have been inherited by you. Ask your SIL why, when her children already have a keepsake, she wants more valuable stuff to come her way. Ask her if, when her own mum or your DBs mum passes away, whether it will be up for discussion whether some of the valuable family jewellery comes to your DDs. No? Thought not.

Tell them NO.

I think your SIL should butt out - this is nothing to do with her.

I'd ask my sis and bro, if, when their mum dies, will they be sharing her jewellery with you and your DC? I think not.

This was your mother, not theirs (however close you may be). their own mother is still living. The personal belongings of your mother belong to you and I would not be sharing any of it - they have no legal entitlement to it.

Her precious rings should be yours to do with as you will (give to DDs). Esp the family heirlooms.

But dont do it yet - it will be too raw. Explain that it is too upsetting and you will do it when you feel able. Then if someone kicks up a fuss you hopefully will be stronger so can deal with it more. And deal with your sis and bro not SIL.

I'm sorry for your loss

I definitely agree with those saying leave it for a while. With my situation, I think it was a case of everything being far too rushed because one family member had come from overseas and another from a fair distance away.

I let myself be bowled along by their "help" and a lot of things that should have been discussed properly just happened somehow. It is a lot more difficult to deal with things after the fact.

The irony of my situation is that if things had been properly inventoried and discussed, there actually wouldn't have been a vast amount of difference in terms of who got what. I was very aware of "prior claims" on certain items and would have been more than happy to honour them. It really came down to 5 old ornaments with huge sentimental value, some personal effects of my grandfather, and some jewellery, none of which was valuable. There was no doubt in my mind that 3 of the 5 ornaments were marked out for particular people due to discussions during my grandparents' lifetime. I would probably have given one other over to the person who wanted it and kept the fifth for myself. As it was, all five were taken. I wanted one particular personal item of my grandfather - all were taken by one of my cousins. In terms of the jewellery, there was one heirloom wedding ring I would have wanted and the rest of the jewellery could have been distributed - I finished up with all the jewellery because no-one else was interested in it. So out of only three things that I wanted, I finished up with only one and that was effectively by default.

What I should have done was sit down and do a proper inventory of "desirable" items and set out my proposals for distributing them based on previous discussions and equal shares. I think it would then have been far more obvious that I was being badly short-changed in terms of my wishes, compared with those of other family members.

Bear in mind, OP, that I was a qualified lawyer at the time and I was the executor and the main beneficiary so I knew perfectly well what my rights were, and I still came out the situation feeling resentful, so it is incredibly easy to get sucked into agreeing to things you will regret.

Sorry for your loss.

All of your mother's jewellery should be yours. Your step sister and step brother can inherit their own mothers jewellery.

They should go to you...she was not there mother, TBH they sound greedy and can't believe it is an issue for them.

If she was your half siblings step mum and no blood relative I don't see why they should have any of them.

Sorry for your loss

thank you all very much. Today was better spent it baking my mums old recipes and crying but in a good way

Thank you for all your advice. I will wait until it isn't so raw (which I'm sure DBro will understand don't care if SIL understands)

It is good to know that people feel I should have all the three rings.

Half-siblings though not my step-siblings. (we share a dad). But at the end of the day they are my siblings and we have always seen it as such (which I suppose makes their actions worse)

I do feel DSis DD should get something very special (DSis and DM where very very close and is DSis to my aunt - who her DD is named after) so I would like her to have the diamond (as it isn't yet a family heirloom but still incredibly special, as well our dad gave it to her) But would feel 'bad' if I made a point of giving her the diamond and not something like that to DBro DD. But then also feel they should treat some old flea market earings with as much reversence as a expensive ring.

But you are right this is too raw at the moment, I will deal with it when I am ready.

Thank you again xx

You should get all to do with as you see fit.

But without a specific will its up to your other siblings and you to bash out together, which won't be easy seeing as they have their eyes on what is rightfully yours.

Time is needed, but often you don't HAVE time, hence there's so many fallings out over possessions.

I have no advice, not regarding the legalities, and though its not 'just stuff' to you, it IS just stuff..... you're probably exhausted with grief, and you need to find a balance between fighting for what is yours and not allowing this to spoil your grieving. I'm so sorry for your loss, but I think, when my mum goes, its her recipes that will mean more to me. I'm sorry if that sounds odd, or like I'm telling you to give up something precious, I'm not, not yet at least, but I do think you need space to grieve and remember your mum without this being the biggest part of your 'headroom', so appeal to your siblings for a period of thought time before any decisions are made.

I have a dress ring that's worth tuppence, it was my Granny's, she loved it more than any of her precious jewellry, and so I love it more than anything else too. xxx

Igues, my attitude is that jewellry is nice, but recipes can't be lost or ruined, pawned or broken.... those smells resonate more than a ring, though I do see your point and understand your reluctance to give things away without time for serious thought.

Can I ask if your mother raised your brother and sister or if they stayed with their bio mother? This makes a great deal of difference if she treated and raised you all the same.

Sewmuchtodo DSis is 16yrs older than me and DBro is 19 yrs older than me. My parent were together for 7 years before I was born.
DDad and their biomum had complete joint custody but DDad was the primary parent. So yes in that way she did help raise them (as in not just a step mum every other weekend). She was nana to 7 grandchildren (not just my 4). So though we did all live togther, I'm really close to DSis (we have also lived togother) we where never kids togthers so by the time I was properly being 'raised' - eg in school - they didn't need to be raised and times had changed. But basic things where the same because of parents personality etc.