AIBU to just want to get the hell out of here?

[smallmotherbigheart]

my brother is 37 and mentally ill. I respect that he has an issue and I mostly stay out of escalating situations, but sometimes I can't help but think that my mum allows him to get away with murder and I get impatient, then angry and end up having a one on one confrontation. He starts throwing his weight about and Mum chips in before he may or may not do anything to me.

He always accuses my mum of things. My mum is 66 years old and needs a break. He doesn't help around the house at all, ignores me when i ask him, even if im very very polite. My and mum do all the cooking, cleaning and obviously I have a small son to look after. He won't even push in the chair at the dining table once hes finished sitting on it. Won't clear his plate, won't even move it from the table.... just gets up and goes back to his room.

On top of that he makes an astonishing mess around the house. He has no regard for other people's needs and will happily eat my sons food (he has asked him many times if he can have his food even though he has just eaten). He will if ask my mother for her food too, he doesn't do it to me because he knows what I will say. He also has no regard for other people's privacy and I have found him in my room and my mums room a number of times going through things. He listens to our conversations when we are on the phone.

Another thing that bothers me is that he is so respectful to my ex, who was violent to me but cannot demonstrate the same level to my current partner who is lovely to everyone. He ridicules me when I'm trying to teach my son things, he's called me trollop, slag and all the related terms.

The other day he brought porn into the house, which he knows we are against because my son lives here. To take the piss he has a flat of his own but refuses to live there. Instead he says I should leave. I know he is mentally ill, but I really lost my temper on him today, because I only asked him to turn down his radio. He had been shouting really badly at my mum, my son was crying and when he went back to his room he played his music really loud, all i wanted was some peace. I asked nicely and he spoke to me so badly that I just lost it, he got up in my face and yet again my mum jumped in. Im sorry this is so long, but what can i do?? I dont earn enough to move out and im studying at uni.

[SickwithFury]

OP, I was irresponsible writing about that friend of mine who was sectioned for PS. I don't want to give the impression that you're living with a potential killer and I've probably not helped this thread by leading others to think so. Not every sufferer of PS or mental illness in general for that matter are dangerous people, but as you are fully aware, the potential for just that are in some.

I do stand by what I said about your little one though - he's not equipped to deal with this, nor should he be. Get yourselves to Social Services or to the student services at your Uni as soon as you can. Good Luck. x

[aldiwhore]

Op you're not a trained Mental Health professional, you are simply a good and patient sister who's tried to make things work and they're not working. I have immense sympathy for you but you need to make steps to get away from it.

You can't control what you can't control, you can't control your brother, or your mum's attitude to living with him (which I understand, it must be incredibly hard for her too) but you CAN control your environment (even if it means you have to declare yourself homeless and move into temporary 'rubbish' housing) and you have a duty to control your child's environment, so yu HAVE to act.

It may be a long road until you have a place to call 'home' but I do believe its worth it, else you'll resent your mum and your brother... which I thinkyou're already beginning to do understandably.

I don't know the practical details into getting started in the quest to find your own home and the advice on here is excellent, but emotionally, for you, your child and your brother, I think you need to start. I wish you well.

[aldiwhore]

By the way my much adored FIL has alzheimers... unlikely to get violent, but not easy to live with at all, and though I do feel rubbish about it, he will not live with us. I'd rather he sell up and my DH's and BIL's inheritence gets eaten up by REAL care by people trained for it, its something that I cannot do.

It wouldn't be fair on the kids, or on me. I still love him and would visit him more than his own children would think to, or be able to, but he cannot live with us. I honestly believe that its the right decision, even though I have never and will probably never fear for my safety or the safety of my children.... I'm simply not equipped to be the best thing for him.

A tenuous link between myself and you I know, but a link none the less!

[ImperialBlether]

I don't know why people are recommending that he goes to live in his own flat.

For one thing, the OP has said he doesn't take on board anything she says. Obviously she would prefer him to be back in his own flat; that's why she posted the thread!

Secondly, though, I'm not sure about you, but I would not want to live next to a paranoid schizophrenic who wasn't taking his meds and who was becoming increasingly angry. I don't think he should live in a flat with other families. I think some sort of sheltered accommodation where he can be monitored and he can be seen to take his meds would be much better.

The OP clearly needs to speak to his care team. That's been said from the start but she has made no comment on this.

[G1nger]

ImperialBlether - The OP has said, though, that her mother doesn't get on with the social worker... Which seems a bit weak to me, really.

[ImperialBlether]

To me, too. It doesn't matter whether her mum gets on with the social worker or not. The OP should then contact social services and explain everything and ask for someone different to be involved. They all work in teams. It would be easy to arrange for someone else to do the job.

[SickwithFury]

Agreed. It's not necessary for people to 'get on' - the Social Worker will have a duty of care to fulfill. She must be contacted, even if it means the OP going over her Mum's head to do this. It's in everyone's best interest to get the professionals on board.

Agreed re him returning to his own flat - I think it's totally out of the question. Should his Social Worker recommend this, I'd wonder whether his Mum was painting the full picture.

[BootyMum]

Sickwithfury sorry for not correctly labelling your post as yours!

I was on board with the OP until she started becoming defensive and belligerant... It makes me a little cross when posters ask AIBU and then attack those that criticise them.

But anyway, I don't think I am a black and white thinker however in this situation I think the OP does need to get the hell out.

There is no point in her hoping her brother and mother will change - they may do so in time and with proper support but at this point in time OP needs to concentrate on her son's wellbeing.

If this means she has to defer her course [so she can work and earn a wage], so be it, if only for the time being until she can rustle up another option re housing.

I hope she can get council accomodation but may not be easy to do so.

[SickwithFury]

no problem BootyMum.

I hope OP comes back - she's in a tough situation.

[fit2drop]

It doesn't matter if mum gets on with social worker, a social worker is totally different to a care-coordinator.
A care-cordinator is someone who would deal specifically with the mental health and well being of the brother whilst supporting the family, but her main duty of care is to the brother.
If this young man has a care co-ordinator and I am assuming he has , as he has had a diagnosis of PS , then a care plan would have been set up which would be agreed by all parties involved, ie consultants, GPs, SWs , family and of course the brother.
The care plan would show how often CC would attend , what to do and who to call when problems arise and who to call in an emergency.ie the crisis team etc. It will also cover all aspects of triggers and signs of deterioration in MH and what steps to take if anything flags up.

The problem with people with PS is that the meds work remarkably well to the point where because they feel so well they think they are "better" and stop taking the meds thus sometimesresulting in a rapid decent into psychosis.
However the beligerant behaviour is not necessarily a symptom of PS and is actually just an added behavioural problem.
Its a difficult call and one that the OP should get CC or at least some MH team involved in for the sake of everyone

[WhoseGotMyEyebrows]

OP Was he a difficult person even before he can ill, or has that been since?