AIBU to just want to get the hell out of here?

[smallmotherbigheart]

my brother is 37 and mentally ill. I respect that he has an issue and I mostly stay out of escalating situations, but sometimes I can't help but think that my mum allows him to get away with murder and I get impatient, then angry and end up having a one on one confrontation. He starts throwing his weight about and Mum chips in before he may or may not do anything to me.

He always accuses my mum of things. My mum is 66 years old and needs a break. He doesn't help around the house at all, ignores me when i ask him, even if im very very polite. My and mum do all the cooking, cleaning and obviously I have a small son to look after. He won't even push in the chair at the dining table once hes finished sitting on it. Won't clear his plate, won't even move it from the table.... just gets up and goes back to his room.

On top of that he makes an astonishing mess around the house. He has no regard for other people's needs and will happily eat my sons food (he has asked him many times if he can have his food even though he has just eaten). He will if ask my mother for her food too, he doesn't do it to me because he knows what I will say. He also has no regard for other people's privacy and I have found him in my room and my mums room a number of times going through things. He listens to our conversations when we are on the phone.

Another thing that bothers me is that he is so respectful to my ex, who was violent to me but cannot demonstrate the same level to my current partner who is lovely to everyone. He ridicules me when I'm trying to teach my son things, he's called me trollop, slag and all the related terms.

The other day he brought porn into the house, which he knows we are against because my son lives here. To take the piss he has a flat of his own but refuses to live there. Instead he says I should leave. I know he is mentally ill, but I really lost my temper on him today, because I only asked him to turn down his radio. He had been shouting really badly at my mum, my son was crying and when he went back to his room he played his music really loud, all i wanted was some peace. I asked nicely and he spoke to me so badly that I just lost it, he got up in my face and yet again my mum jumped in. Im sorry this is so long, but what can i do?? I dont earn enough to move out and im studying at uni.

[WhoseGotMyEyebrows]

OP Was he a difficult person even before he can ill, or has that been since?

[fit2drop]

It doesn't matter if mum gets on with social worker, a social worker is totally different to a care-coordinator.
A care-cordinator is someone who would deal specifically with the mental health and well being of the brother whilst supporting the family, but her main duty of care is to the brother.
If this young man has a care co-ordinator and I am assuming he has , as he has had a diagnosis of PS , then a care plan would have been set up which would be agreed by all parties involved, ie consultants, GPs, SWs , family and of course the brother.
The care plan would show how often CC would attend , what to do and who to call when problems arise and who to call in an emergency.ie the crisis team etc. It will also cover all aspects of triggers and signs of deterioration in MH and what steps to take if anything flags up.

The problem with people with PS is that the meds work remarkably well to the point where because they feel so well they think they are "better" and stop taking the meds thus sometimesresulting in a rapid decent into psychosis.
However the beligerant behaviour is not necessarily a symptom of PS and is actually just an added behavioural problem.
Its a difficult call and one that the OP should get CC or at least some MH team involved in for the sake of everyone

[SickwithFury]

no problem BootyMum.

I hope OP comes back - she's in a tough situation.

[BootyMum]

Sickwithfury sorry for not correctly labelling your post as yours!

I was on board with the OP until she started becoming defensive and belligerant... It makes me a little cross when posters ask AIBU and then attack those that criticise them.

But anyway, I don't think I am a black and white thinker however in this situation I think the OP does need to get the hell out.

There is no point in her hoping her brother and mother will change - they may do so in time and with proper support but at this point in time OP needs to concentrate on her son's wellbeing.

If this means she has to defer her course [so she can work and earn a wage], so be it, if only for the time being until she can rustle up another option re housing.

I hope she can get council accomodation but may not be easy to do so.

[SickwithFury]

Agreed. It's not necessary for people to 'get on' - the Social Worker will have a duty of care to fulfill. She must be contacted, even if it means the OP going over her Mum's head to do this. It's in everyone's best interest to get the professionals on board.

Agreed re him returning to his own flat - I think it's totally out of the question. Should his Social Worker recommend this, I'd wonder whether his Mum was painting the full picture.

[ImperialBlether]

To me, too. It doesn't matter whether her mum gets on with the social worker or not. The OP should then contact social services and explain everything and ask for someone different to be involved. They all work in teams. It would be easy to arrange for someone else to do the job.

[G1nger]

ImperialBlether - The OP has said, though, that her mother doesn't get on with the social worker... Which seems a bit weak to me, really.

[ImperialBlether]

I don't know why people are recommending that he goes to live in his own flat.

For one thing, the OP has said he doesn't take on board anything she says. Obviously she would prefer him to be back in his own flat; that's why she posted the thread!

Secondly, though, I'm not sure about you, but I would not want to live next to a paranoid schizophrenic who wasn't taking his meds and who was becoming increasingly angry. I don't think he should live in a flat with other families. I think some sort of sheltered accommodation where he can be monitored and he can be seen to take his meds would be much better.

The OP clearly needs to speak to his care team. That's been said from the start but she has made no comment on this.

[aldiwhore]

By the way my much adored FIL has alzheimers... unlikely to get violent, but not easy to live with at all, and though I do feel rubbish about it, he will not live with us. I'd rather he sell up and my DH's and BIL's inheritence gets eaten up by REAL care by people trained for it, its something that I cannot do.

It wouldn't be fair on the kids, or on me. I still love him and would visit him more than his own children would think to, or be able to, but he cannot live with us. I honestly believe that its the right decision, even though I have never and will probably never fear for my safety or the safety of my children.... I'm simply not equipped to be the best thing for him.

A tenuous link between myself and you I know, but a link none the less!

[aldiwhore]

Op you're not a trained Mental Health professional, you are simply a good and patient sister who's tried to make things work and they're not working. I have immense sympathy for you but you need to make steps to get away from it.

You can't control what you can't control, you can't control your brother, or your mum's attitude to living with him (which I understand, it must be incredibly hard for her too) but you CAN control your environment (even if it means you have to declare yourself homeless and move into temporary 'rubbish' housing) and you have a duty to control your child's environment, so yu HAVE to act.

It may be a long road until you have a place to call 'home' but I do believe its worth it, else you'll resent your mum and your brother... which I thinkyou're already beginning to do understandably.

I don't know the practical details into getting started in the quest to find your own home and the advice on here is excellent, but emotionally, for you, your child and your brother, I think you need to start. I wish you well.

[SickwithFury]

OP, I was irresponsible writing about that friend of mine who was sectioned for PS. I don't want to give the impression that you're living with a potential killer and I've probably not helped this thread by leading others to think so. Not every sufferer of PS or mental illness in general for that matter are dangerous people, but as you are fully aware, the potential for just that are in some.

I do stand by what I said about your little one though - he's not equipped to deal with this, nor should he be. Get yourselves to Social Services or to the student services at your Uni as soon as you can. Good Luck. x

[SickwithFury]

Got to agree, but since we don't know any history, I held back; having PS doesn't excuse you for being an ass, or for taking advantage, or taking someone for granted.

That said, I've got to disagree with you BootyMum because situations are never that black and white. And while I stand by my sentiments earlier (you quoted me, not LDNMummy) it really does sound like you are judging the OP for her not throwing in her course, packing up her bags and moving out.

Things are never that simple, and never that straightforward. Speaking as someone who's only just finished a PgDip, I can say hand on heart, that taking a break from the course would have almost guaranteed me not returning to it. It's SO hard to do when you have children and I can imagine the OP literally hanging on by the skin of her teeth. Hardly the student lifestyle at all. To me, it's obvious this is being done to better her life for herself and her son and she sounds stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I wish you well OP but the advice here is mostly sound. You and your Mother, especially your Mother cannot do this alone. Get the help in, and get some advice about housing for yourself and your son.

[WhoseGotMyEyebrows]

To me it sounds like the brother needs to move out for the mums benefit as well as the OPs and her childs. He's not great to be around right now and he has his own place so he should. That doesn't mean abandoning him but sometimes you have to think of yourselves. Not sure how they could make that happen though, sounds like professional advice is needed.

I am really not convinced that PS makes someone behave like an arse hole either.

[BootyMum]

Fittodrop you might not have said dangerous but other posters have, for example LDNMummy - Paranoid Schizophrenics are not likeable when their in this condition and border on unstable and dangerous when they're dabbling with their meds. Your Mum is in a very very volatile situation I agree, but your very first priority is your son.

I said "potentially dangerous" as OP spoke of brother shouting at her, getting up in her face and her son crying. So at least there is serious emotional distress and intimidation which may escalate into something more physical.

You say - OP is mostly quite happy with her living arrangements , it obviously works for her and her son and her mother, who the hell is anyone on here to say she should give that up. She was not asking for advise on that.
Well she did post "AIBU to want to get the hell out?" I was responding to that. I'm not sure it is so helpful to tell her she should get her brother compliant with his medication regime... Not her priority in my opinion. Protecting her son however is and how OP tells the story does not sound a safe [emotionally] place for him.

[fit2drop]

BootyMum

Why is her family in a dangerous situation ( I said catastrophic results if not compliant with meds , I didnt say dangerous ,)
Just because the brother has PS does not make him dangerous, yes he could be , but no more than you or I given the right circumstances.

This ridiculous misconception and assumption and mostly media and ignorance led idea that ALL people that suffer with PS are mad axe men never fails to make me cross.

OP is mostly quite happy with her living arrangements , it obviously works for her and her son and her mother, who the hell is anyone on here to say she should give that up. She was not asking for advise on that.

I read it as more about HOW she could help support her mum and her brother who is becoming more and more ill as he is erratic with his meds and therefore the situation at home is spiralling. How would leaving her home help her mum or her brother.

MH services need to assess and be involved to stop a "section" as someone ^^ there said needed doing.

The bad manners , rudeness, etc sound more like behavioural tendencies they are nothing to do with PS.

OP need help from services to support her mother in how best to deal with her brother when he is showing these behaviours,

I would suggest getting him compliant with his meds is a start and if that means his CC doing her job and recognising the problem , then hopefully getting a depo med prescribed then surely that is better advise than" leave em to it and move out" which would only create more stress and just another set of problems as the mum would still be having to cope with a son she can,t manage, both are people the OP loves so she would not move out and be happy would she.
So hardly a good result

[BootyMum]

Whosegotmyeyebrows yes, I do think the OP should give up her study for the time being if she cannot get council accomodation and needs to rent privately.

Her immediate priority imo is the emotional and physical safety of her child who is the most vulnerable in this situation. It sounds to me as if she is in a volatile and potentially dangerous situation [something which other posters with more experience with paranoid schizophrenia have confirmed]

Sometimes as an adult and parent difficult decisions need to be made. It is not the OPs mother who is responsible for her keep now she is grown up but OP is responsible for her young son's.

OP can blame her brother, mother and unsympathetic responses on here till the cows come home but only she can make a change to her circumstances.

[WhoseGotMyEyebrows]

fit2drop Why thank you!

VelvetSnow The OP is in a stressful situation at the moment. If someone starts judging her on a part of her life which she is doing really well with IMO, and wasnt even what she was asking for comments about then she is bound to get a bit snappy.

[fit2drop]

OP had every right to get defensive re the "grow up, move out, stop uni " remarks.

These were not the issue that OP was asking if she was BU about.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows is spot on with her 12:36 post

[VelvetSnow]

OPs responses were imo very defensive and belligerant. She comes across as quite childish tbh.

I agree with Booty about the OP responses, which I do not think were provoked.

But, back to the OP - I think the advice about the lock on your bedroom door is good advice - you should take that.

Have you discussed how you feel with your mum - how would your mum feel if you were to move out?

[WhoseGotMyEyebrows]

BootyMum So you think she should give up studying and the opportunity to one day soon provide a good life for her son. That would be such a shame when she is so close to completing her course. Private renting? How's she going to afford that even if she does give up her course, she'd have to go on benefits, I think it's admirable that she doesn't wish to do that.


BluddyMoFo's first message was . . .

So your brother is mentally ill? Thats his excuse for still living with his mum. As an adult with a child of your own instead of living with your mother and bickering with your brother like a child why not move out and ease the burden.

& BimboNo5s was

You should as an adult be standing on your own two feet not living with Mummy.

You can't blame the OP for reacting quite tersley to that.

The OPs mum is happy to have her there so it isn't an issue. It wasn't what the OP asked so jumping on it is more to do with posters own issues rather then the OP.

FWIW I think it's bloody hard being a single mum to a young child and studying at the same time. I think it's great that she is trying to make herself more employable and to provide a better life for her child, rather then the alternative of getting a council flat on benefits and then maybe finding she is never able to go back and study. She needs to do it now while she has the support of her mum.

[fit2drop]

OP

the diagnosis of your brother would mean he has a care-coordinator involved . He will have a care plan. The care coordinator should be making regular visits. Has no one explained to her or has she not noticed the lack of medicatio. If your brother is not compliant with his meds the care coordinator can arrange for it to be given by regular depo antipsychotic meds.
The CC should notice the deterioration in MH of your brother and act accordingly .
If this is not happening then you need to speak to the CC of your concerns.
Someone with your brothers diagnosis needs to be compliant with meds as the results of not being can be catastrophic. Your mum should or could also have some outside suppport from services. Her son may be becoming unmanageable for her (hence her allowing him to get away with such behaviour) Speak to MIND about any help available for your mum.

It is hard but just because someone has a MH illness does not mean they have permission or an excuse to behave so appallingly. The things he is doing are not exclusive to PS, they seem more behavioural.

[WhoseGotMyEyebrows]

SickwithFury Jesus! That's horrific!

[BootyMum]

I think that Bloody and Bimbo were commenting that there are options for the OP, however they may be ones that in an ideal world/situation she wouldn't have to take.

One of those might be deferring her university whilst she works to be able afford rent and possibly childcare.

OPs responses were imo very defensive and belligerant. She comes across as quite childish tbh.

If she only wanted hand holding and support of the kind of oh how bad she has it and advice on how to move up the housing waiting list then perhaps she should have stated this rather than AIBU!

And LDNMummy - I know plenty of people in London who don't fall back on parental hospitality when the going gets tough, either through pride and a desire to be an adult and self sufficient or because it is impossible for them to live with their parents for various reasons.

And so I have little sympathy with anyone who feels so entitled to have this as an option when you are an adult and should be standing on your own two feet. It's perhaps nice to have this as an option but should not be seen as a right.

So OP needs to look at other options re her housing and if unable to get council accomodation she probably should look at privately renting.

[Claw3]

"As with all types of schizophrenia, a person with paranoid schizophrenia will experience a significant decline in his ability to function in at least one major area of life such as work, school, relationships or the ability to care for himself"

[SickwithFury]

WhoseGotMyEyebrows don't quote me, but I'm pretty certain that this condition means that he, and others like him, have no empathy for others, or no real sense of responsibility or consequence. Plus, should he be used to having things done for him to this extent, then he's really going to stop making the effort.

A friend of mine was sectioned for PS after attacking her father with a knife. She thought he was a steam train trying to mow her down