Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

AIBU?

AIBU to just want to get the hell out of here?

111 replies

smallmotherbigheart · 11/09/2011 22:48

my brother is 37 and mentally ill. I respect that he has an issue and I mostly stay out of escalating situations, but sometimes I can't help but think that my mum allows him to get away with murder and I get impatient, then angry and end up having a one on one confrontation. He starts throwing his weight about and Mum chips in before he may or may not do anything to me.

He always accuses my mum of things. My mum is 66 years old and needs a break. He doesn't help around the house at all, ignores me when i ask him, even if im very very polite. My and mum do all the cooking, cleaning and obviously I have a small son to look after. He won't even push in the chair at the dining table once hes finished sitting on it. Won't clear his plate, won't even move it from the table.... just gets up and goes back to his room.

On top of that he makes an astonishing mess around the house. He has no regard for other people's needs and will happily eat my sons food (he has asked him many times if he can have his food even though he has just eaten). He will if ask my mother for her food too, he doesn't do it to me because he knows what I will say. He also has no regard for other people's privacy and I have found him in my room and my mums room a number of times going through things. He listens to our conversations when we are on the phone.

Another thing that bothers me is that he is so respectful to my ex, who was violent to me but cannot demonstrate the same level to my current partner who is lovely to everyone. He ridicules me when I'm trying to teach my son things, he's called me trollop, slag and all the related terms.

The other day he brought porn into the house, which he knows we are against because my son lives here. To take the piss he has a flat of his own but refuses to live there. Instead he says I should leave. I know he is mentally ill, but I really lost my temper on him today, because I only asked him to turn down his radio. He had been shouting really badly at my mum, my son was crying and when he went back to his room he played his music really loud, all i wanted was some peace. I asked nicely and he spoke to me so badly that I just lost it, he got up in my face and yet again my mum jumped in. Im sorry this is so long, but what can i do?? I dont earn enough to move out and im studying at uni.

OP posts:

Report

smallmotherbigheart · 11/09/2011 23:47

No he doesn't contribute much. Me and her do all the shopping etc. He spends on himself mostly

OP posts:

smallmotherbigheart · 11/09/2011 23:48

he doesnt always take it, and because of the way he behaves its becoming harder and harder to track whether he's taking it or not

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 11/09/2011 23:53

What's his diagnosis?

smallmotherbigheart · 11/09/2011 23:54

paranoid schizophrenic

OP posts:

Claw3 · 11/09/2011 23:54

If your mum thinks his behaviour is bad, perhaps you should be helping your mum to take control of the situation, instead of you arguing with your brother and your mum having to referee, this must be adding to the stress.

smallmotherbigheart · 11/09/2011 23:57

No you don't understand. Thats what i usually am, but it doesn't work!!! They end up starting on me sometimes. I get caught in it!! They hate being told to be respectful

OP posts:

Claw3 · 11/09/2011 23:59

'They' you mean your mum and brother end up starting on you? 'they' hate being told to be respecful?

smallmotherbigheart · 12/09/2011 00:00

yep. I'm best out of the situation. But sometimes just my presence is enough for him to start on me

OP posts:

CocoPopsAddict · 12/09/2011 00:03

Ummm... if he is being violent towards your mum, perhaps you could discuss it informally with the police, who may be able to advise you better and you could go from there. Obviously it isn't the same as if he was well in his mind.

Not good at all that your son is living in a household with someone potentially violent.

Perhaps your brother needs to be sectioned if he is a danger to his family.

Claw3 · 12/09/2011 00:03

Why would you mum start on you? why would you have to tell your mum to be respectful?

I thought your mum thought your brothers behaviour was bad?

Im confused!

Crosshair · 12/09/2011 00:06

smallmotherbigheart · 12/09/2011 00:07

im sorry it is a bit confusing. sometimes i try to be impartial and just tell them both so it doesnt seem like im taking sides. I just want to make things better. My mum wants a scape goat sometimes, and yes, its me. I have to remind her that i've not done anything wrong and she stops. i guess its her way of venting

OP posts:

TinyWeeTeethGreatBigBite · 12/09/2011 00:08

I don't know if it has been said already but you should tell the council that you are at risk of/experiencing domestic violence from your brother. There are rules under homelessness law that cover this.

Crosshair · 12/09/2011 00:11

Do you want to move out or to stay with your mum?

3littlefrogs · 12/09/2011 00:13

If your brother has paranoid schizophrenia and is not taking his medication, you are all in a high risk situation.

You need to talk to your brother's social workerand /or CPN as a matter of urgency, and you need to get your son out of there.

Your brother is ill, there is no point in arguing or trying to reason with him.

Claw3 · 12/09/2011 00:14

Tell them both what?

If im entirely honest, your op was lots of 'i' dont like this and 'i' dont like that and my mum lets my brother get away with murder. It reminded me very much of sibling rivalry and appeared that your mum was stuck in middle refereeing.

Morloth · 12/09/2011 00:14

Quite bluntly your son should be your priority, not your mother. She is an adult who can make her own choices, your son relies on you to make the right choices for him.

If you don't think where he is living is suitable for him, then you need to take control of your situation and get him out of there, you can't control your brother or mother but you can change things for your son.

It will suck and it will be hard but only you can decide whether staying is the better option for him.

Claw3 · 12/09/2011 00:17

Agree totally.

BuxomWenchOnAPony · 12/09/2011 00:20

Go to the council's housing department tomorrow and explain your circumstances. Ask to make a homeless application. They will probably try to put you off, but be firm! You are entitled to (at the very least) advice and assistance, get advice on your brother's flat in particular. Explain the domestic violence issue and is there overcrowding? The council do have a statutory duty to help you, you are (technically) homeless as the place you live is unsafe/unsuitable for you and ds. You aren't entitled to anything by merit of just being a single parent, despite some comments this effect upthread, the homeless status is key. If you're not met with helpful housing officers call Shelter's helpline.

Claw3 · 12/09/2011 00:22

In this borough if there is violence you will be offered a place immediately at a refuge.

BuxomWenchOnAPony · 12/09/2011 00:27

In every borough, claw, it's statutory. Or b&b accommodation, temporary housing depending on what's available. Councils aren't always cooperative though, they have their own pressures with targets and homelessness strategies, that's why Shelter might be worth a call if the op's council is one of the trickier ones.

JockTamsonsBairns · 12/09/2011 00:29

What was it that you were looking for from this thread? I agree with you, it's shit living with mental illness (for all of you), but it sounds like you living at your mum's with your son is not helping matters. Why are you living there? Sorry if I've missed your explanation for this. I appreciate you've almost completed your degree and, seriously, good on you for making that effort to equip yourself for a better life, but you need to get a plan in place for getting the two of you out of there. You're just coming across as being really defensive, and I'm confused about what it is you want from posting.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

PrincessFiorimonde · 12/09/2011 00:32

I've already suggested you try to discuss things with your brother's carer/social worker/GP. You haven't replied to my post, so perhaps you tried that and it didn't work?

I also suggested you try to get a flat of your own - other posters here have also suggested the same. Especially as you have a child, and are worried about bringing the child up in this environment. Again, you have not replied to my post.

If you are serious, please find a place where you and your son can live safely. You can worry about your mother after you have found a safe place to bring up your son.

TinyWeeTeethGreatBigBite · 12/09/2011 00:36

What buxomwench said!

Crosshair · 12/09/2011 00:36

Does your mum provide child care while you're at uni?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.