To ask you your opinion on my situation?

[Fatshionista]

I don't know where to post this and this section gets a lot of traffic.

My 74 year old grandfather has been caring for his 93 year old mother in law (my great-grandmother) for six years but he is now tired and stressed. After Christmas he plans on putting her in a home.

Now, I live in a decent sized house with DD1 3, DD2 9 months and DSS on the weekends 2.9 as well as DP. DP works full time but I'm a SAHM and we were thinking of turning the dining room/kids playroom into a bedroom and caring for my GGGM here full-time. My father and uncle won't take her in and she's 93 for gods sake, has always had family around and I can't see her put into a home.

DP is fine with his idea and knows because of her age it isn't long term. She can still walk and get up and down stairs and can still make tea/snacks so isn't completely incompetent but I could see a home killing her emotionally and she lives for my DD's.

AIBU to have her here full time and become her carer? I know it's a lot of responsibility but I feel it's my duty as she has been so good to me and DP over the years and dotes on her GGGC.

I think if you both agree it is a wonderful thing to do.

I agree that it will be hard and will get harder as she gets older. Social services, age uk, citizens advice and help direct (depending on where you live) are excellent at giving advice on whatever help is available.

From visiting people's homes who are doing the same as you are proposing, I would definately advise accepting all help, financial or otherwise, available.

My uncle looked after my Grandma alone because she made him promise she wouldn't go in a home. For the last year she was penned upstairs with gates because she couldn't manage the stairs but wasn't safe downstairs with a gas cooker and a door she would open to anyone. He couldn't go anywhere for more than 20 minutes. It was grim for both of them and when she finally died my uncle had a breakdown.

My grandparents on the other side of the family chose a home they could go into together when they were still quite fit, rather than being separated or having to go somewhere horrible because they had no choice in a few years.

I would go for the second choice myself.

What does your great-grandmother want. Ultimately it must be her choice. Ask her what she would prefer. She will probably want to come to you, but you never know - she may actually want to go into a home! It happens. Don't make plans to shift her to yours until you have ascertained that that is her preference.

Op I can see why you want to do this.

Firstly though what does she want? Has anyone discussed a possible change with her? She may not want to move to your house. Even at her age her wishes are very important and she should have some say.

Secondly she may be well and mobile right now but that could change very quickly. Could you cope with a decline, one that could see her bedridden for a number of years? One that could see a change in her personality or major illness?

It may souls as though I'm trying to put you off. I'm not it's just that once you have taken her in you will find it hard to admit if you have made a mistake.

Have you looked into if you would get any help?

My nan was cared for in her own home by my mum visiting a number of times a day. She passed away last year aged 90. It's very hard work. Harder than a child as you don't have the auto right to decide cause your the parent!

It's an amazing thing to do but you must go into it with your eyes wide open to all possibilities. Good luck wit whatever you all decide.

What does the GGGM want? Has anyone thought to include her in the decision making? She might WANT to go into some sort of residential care (Diana Athill has written about making this decision herself - google the name) - she might want to be around other people her own age with similar interests etc.

She might want to live independantly - there are warden-controlled flats where people live independantly in their flat but there is 24/7 support and communal day rooms for an element of community living - my gran lived in one until she was 103.

Much though she loves your children, she may find the thought of sharing a home with young children a bit much.

Are you prepared to do personal care for her? Is she prepared for you to do this - my other grandmother lived with my parents for the last few years of her life and it became extremely stressful for my mother as she had to do personal care for her MIL, and MIL did NOT want her DIL wiping her bum - but there was no-one else to do it whilst my dad was at work.

If GGGM is mentally well, I would think the starting point is an adult conversation about what SHE wants to do rather than making any assumptions.

You sound a lovely person, Fatshionista , but you must consider the negative aspects of caring for your DGGM as well as the positives.

As other posters have said, her condition could deteriorate quickly and you could find yourself with someone needing constant attention, which would be very hard on you as you have young children who also need you. Also, you will have to think about what you will do as your children grow and want you to take them out for activities, if your DGGM reaches a point where she cannot safely be left alone.

My father is 89 and suffers from dementia. Over the past 2 years he has declined enormously and rapidly. The gentle person he was is now almost gone completely. He is aggressive, sometimes physically violent, restless, walks around all the time despite being unsteady on his feet and frequently falling. He has been taken to A & E five times in the past three months. He also doesn`t sleep much at night and often gets dressed and wants to go out at 4.00 am. My mother finally agreed to him being placed in a care home after he repeatedly punched her in the head for not allowing him to go out in the early hours of the morning. By this time she was emotionally and physically exhausted. Despite all this, she still talks about wanting to have him home again - but realises too that things will only go from bad to worse.

How about a compromise, where you have your DGGM to stay with you for a few weeks to give your grandfather a well-earned break? That would be a way of easing his burden and giving you a foretaste of what caring for a very elderly person can entail. It would also be like a holiday for her too.

I have spoken to her and she says that if she had to go in a home she would but she'd prefer to be around family as she has her entire life. My father and uncle wouldn't have her at all, wouldn't even consider it and they'd veto a home mainly because they have their own lives and don't want the burden plus they don't like her very much.

She lives in my grandfathers house and sold her house six years ago to pay for a downstairs toilet and conservatory in his house. As far as everyone is concerned she has no money left and is livinh on her pension. She pays my grandfather £100 a week board and lodge.

She couldn't live alone. While she is not in terrible health she does have a pacemaker, walks with a cane, has depression and has weekly doctor apoointments. I can see her deteriorating as it is but she is sound of mind at the moment and I fear a care home is not in her best interests.

I've thought about the bad points last night. I don't know how it would affect my children, I know it would be a 24 hour job (although she can be left for periods of a few hours) and the possibility that if she does deteriorate she may physically require experienced nurses 24/7 in a facility. I am so torn. I think I could give her a good quality of life but I'm not sure and I'm battling guilt as she has been so good to me and my familu my whole life.

GGM says she'd love to be around the DD's constantly and says noise doesn't bother her but obviously in the situation those feelings could change.

Grandfather says no and says my dad and uncle come before me in saying where she goes as they're next blood relations. I think if they put her in a home I'd ask them to run as fast as they could into.my fist. Well...perhaps not but I'd be angry.

So far she has her hair done weekly but only bathes once a week at the day centre she goes to as my grandfather doesn't like to clean her. She uses wipes, empties her own 'potty chair' if she can't make it to the toilet, uses perfume and make up etc. i'd be prepared to cover her meals, hygiene etc needs.

No chance of another baby for medical reasons, at least not for five years. We have a contract with our landlord that unless we voluntarily leave or miss rent payments we are here for at least the next five years and the contract will be renewed if needed (he is very well off and a family friend who owns his own estate agents) so we're pretty secure for the next five years at least. Hadn't thought of DP losing his job.

My husbands sister wanted his mother to go into a nursing home approx 6 years ago. We contacted social services and they were actually brilliant at going through the pros and cons and basically telling sil that it wasn't her business as then mil was able to make decisions. So as long as your great great grandma is willing and you are sure I don't think any other relative can say anything.