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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Finding it hard to stay friends

44 replies

whatithink · 09/09/2011 12:41

My best friend and I were both in the same boat. Stay at home mums with 2 kids struggling to make ends meet. Recently she split from her husband and went on benefits. Her husband pays her a good maintenance for the kids and basically she is living the life of riley. I believe when they calculate benefits they don't take into account maintenance. She is out all the time, going on holiday and buying designer clothes. I can't afford to do any of this and I feel I don't want to be her friend any more. I know she is not actually doing anything wrong but I feel she is just flaunting her extravagant lifestyle and the tax payer is paying for it.

Am I being horrible in not wanting to see her anymore. It's not that I am jealous I just don't think it is right.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 09/09/2011 16:38

You should really look up the meaning of 'friend' in the dictionary

NeverKnowinglyUnderDoug · 09/09/2011 16:39

Do you look like this OP?

Despite what you are saying that's how it comes across.

Drop her as a friend if you want.

Deflatedballoonbelly · 09/09/2011 16:44

I have lots of friends on benefits, single and with maintenence and not once have I seen any of them buy designer, or have a holiday that isnt two nights of camping in a random field.

WHERE are all these people living the life of riley on benefits, cos I have never met one!

FreudianSlipper · 09/09/2011 16:53

they do not take it into account maintenance anymore, reason being is that so few rp get the correct amount on a regular basis. also mortgage payments are paid directly to the mortgage company so she will not receive the excess if it is overpaid the mortgage company will. also income support is now only given until the children are 5, school age. its hard for all parents to juggle work and school times/holidays if it is left to one parent it is harder for them many get trapped in low paid part time jobs, sadly not that many can rely on maintenance too thank god for tax credits but it should not be this way

we know the benefits system is flawed but look at the reasons why it is if better money was paid to those that work, better child care (for all), more nrp paid what they were meant to pay the system would be different sadly it is the way it is because of other circumstances

CherylWillBounceBack · 09/09/2011 17:02

I am absolutely with you that the benefits (i hate that word in the context) system allows this. All the other posters who say 'she's only claiming what she's entitled' - can you really say she should be entitled to designer clothes paid for by the rest of us. Her kids should not go without, she should have living costs paid (not excessive mortgage relief - that's another facet of our buggered up housing market) and made sure she's got no worries. But living the life of riley....come on!

However, as her friend, this isn't something you should particularly get mad about. You can certainly try and make her realise how fucked up it is (talk abut how you have to find things in charity shops - make shit up if you have to), but as long as you have fun and support each other, don't make a big deal of it.

CherylWillBounceBack · 09/09/2011 17:06

Should add that it's not that you should try and guilt trip her, just casually make her think and hopefully she'll put that excess income to better use (like overpaying her mortgage herself, or saving for the kids).

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 09/09/2011 17:07

I can see why you might be jealous and I can understand it as well. It's hard to be skint for a long period of time (been there and am still there) and to see others doing the things that you want to do and to be able to do for your children.

I must admit though that if I was suddenly better off I wouldn't be spending it on designer clothes! Some people's priorities are weird, but each to their own.

I have a friend on benefits who has loads more money then me as well and it does grate. I can't afford beans but she has a gym membership, holidays abroad, nights out, clothes from next . . . my clothes are all from charity shops or Primark and are over 5 years old and covered in holes and permanent stains. I look poor.

I don't wish my friend had less, but it doesn't always seem fair.

fourkids · 09/09/2011 17:12

Actually I don't think maintenance payments are taken ito account any more WRT income support (or tax credits), since about 2009ish. When the change was made, there was a discussion about it on MN. Someone described the reason for the change very well - along the lines of, it costs less to pay someone to run round bunging £5 notes through people's letter boxes than it does to pay someone to go round with a clip board asking them questions and working out who really needs it. It sucks, but it's true.

And while I don't think this is a reason to fall out with a friend, so YABU Cocoflower is quite right - benefits should be for hard times. The system is ridiculous. Somewhere else on MN is an unaswered question about benefits or tax credits or something - that OP is trying to decide whether to go back to work or not, because benefits pay her well so she may choose not to. if you CHOOSE not to work, you should have to go without benefits IMO.

Uh oh...got a bit militant there. sorry.

back to topic. It isn't really your friend's fault that the benefits system is bonkers. The benefits system is also BU

Guess I'll get flamed now for my militance

Malcontentinthemiddle · 09/09/2011 17:14

Does she have a plasma TV?

Ilovedaintynuts · 09/09/2011 17:17

I really empathise.

When my DS was a baby I was a single parent for several years.
I continued working and was on the bone of my arse financially with childcare costs. Worse off than benefits.

My best friend was also a single parent in a similar situation to yours. She had lots of disposible income. Had holidays and designer clothes.

She used to say to me 'I don't know how you leave DS to go to work, I could never leave DD'

I found a level of bitterness in me I never thought was possible.

My friendship died through my bitterness, although on reflection I would have ended the friendship sooner as it caused me real anguish.

I think she was also probably a bit of a cow

TheFrogs · 09/09/2011 17:26

No, they dont take maintenance into account anymore.

However op, your friend probably needs your support right now. The spending may well be her way of coping and trying to take her mind off the situation...you may find it wont last long. Are you sure she isn't putting all these things on credit cards?

When I split with my ex over 12 years ago the first thing I did was buy some new clothes. I was working full time and didn't claim any tax credits but I no longer had someone literally taking the last penny from my purse, I was much better off.

How old are her children? When the youngest is 7 (actually, it could be going down to five I believe) she will be moved onto jobseekers and if she doesn't apply for jobs, however unsuitable they are (Jobcentre dont give a damn if you cant get chidcare) she will have her benefit "sanctioned" and wont know where she is one week to the next. I really wouldn't envy her!

aldiwhore · 09/09/2011 17:48

She could be getting her 'designer' clothes from TKMax and bigging it up, she could be going abroad on a good package deal that isn't much more than a Haven (argh) holiday. I think you're wrong to assume.

I know many people a lot worse off than me who manage their money better than me and are BRILLIANT at finding bargains.

There's just no point being bitter.

sheepgomeep · 09/09/2011 17:50

Oh for gods sake not another one of these bloody threads. Look. I am on benefits, work six hours a week, claim income support because I am now a loan parent, get free school meals, maintenance paid blah blah yet I can't afford holidays, big tellies, designer clothes. Wish I could. I'm sick of these threads, I really really am. Jealousy is a horrible thing and you need to get over it op

sheepgomeep · 09/09/2011 17:55

Oh and what frogs said rings true too. Although I can't afford holidays etc I can now afford to LIVE, as I don't have a twat taking my last fiver and spending our money on fags darts and redbull when our youngest needed nappies. Or deliberately taking my cash cards to work with him so I couldn't go out in the day

corlan · 09/09/2011 19:24

I think your only course of action is to split up with your husband and then you too can live the life of Riley as a single parent.

If you really believe benefits will fund a lifestyle including holidays and designer clothes, you are deluded - God knows how she's funding those things but it won't be benefits.

If it makes you feel any better as a single parent, she has an impoverished and lonely old age to look forward to! Hope that helps!

dirtydishesmakemesad · 09/09/2011 19:45

I had a friend who seemed to live a very similar life (split up with partner seemed to have money for pretty much anything) and I admit i was jealous, until she called me up as she had bailiffs etc comign to the door and it turned out she had been taking out loans, credit cards and god knows how many buy now pay laters - I have no idea how she got all this but she did and what i had thought had been "a life of riley" was her actually being really depressed and irational. Not saying this is the case for your friend but just that sometimes people are not what they seem and you dont know what is going on in her life.

lydiamama · 09/09/2011 19:58

you sound jealous to mee too OP, and as a friend you should be there to support your friend, loosing a husband is a big deal, and she is probably filling gaps with all this items that make her feel better, at least you have a whole family, with husband an all, so you are luckier, get over your feelings, which I understand, as myself have seen people better off than me, yes on benefits, and I work full-time, but i think it is unreasonable, the grass always looks greener in the other side, doesn't it?

carriedababi · 09/09/2011 20:02

seems bonkers to me taht when you split with your dh you can be better off, but i know about 4 people this has happended too, they all couldn't believe it when they realised they were better off single.

i think the goverment should do something to try and support marraige.

unpa1dcar3r · 09/09/2011 20:48

Honestly, maintenence is NOT taken into account anymore. It used to be. It's not currently

That's interesting F*ckity. I never knew that.

If someone on benefits is better off than when they weren't on benefits it must simply be that they (or their then partner) were on reeeeally crap wages before. That's not quite the same as living the life of Riley (who is this Riley fella anyway?)
I don't know how people fund a designer lifestyle unless they're claiming illegally...if this is their lifestyle choice they should have their benefits removed.

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