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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want something for myself.. or should I just give up ? (Long, sorry)

17 replies

TiffanyTrott · 07/09/2011 14:40

Hi. I'm new to MN. I lurk but have never posted until now. I felt today was a good day as today is the day I gave in to a glass of wine at 1pm :( I'm very disillusioned and feel so sad. And I am scared that the only way I could feel better today was a glass of wine. I am not normally a big drinker. Only drink socially, not usually at home.

I have one DS who I adore. He's 22months. This post in no way is about regretting him. I would never change the fact he is here.

I'm sad because I feel I've lost myself to being wife and mother. And I don't know whether to just suck it up and not 'want' things for me/my time anymore, above and beyond my son and home.

Were all those people who told me that it's impossible to have a life of your own/hobby right ? I chose to be a SAHM but I do run my own small business in the hours that I can. It's not very demanding and I'll never get rich but it earns me some pin money.

My DH has not seen much change in his life. He goes to work as before, plays rugby as before and carries on much as before. He is a wonderful father though and does his share of childcare willingly and well. The only thing that has not carried on in his life is he does not go to rugby training twice a week now, just once plus matches at the weekend, because his longer commute to work doesn't allow him to get there on time - he doesn't get home until 7.30pm - training starts at 7pm. He works from home the day he has training so he can attend.

My own hobby is a sport too and I knew a baby would affect how much time I committed to this and it was not a problem. I was ready to compete less etc. It has turned out however that I rarely ever get a chance to do my thing but I was/am happy with what I do manage to do.

Recently, as I was so down about having nothing outside housework/babythings/work I decided to buy an new, non-expensive, essential piece of equipment to my sport as the equipment I have is temporarily broken. With money I earned myself.

OH has demanded that we pay off some debts (we haven't got many) and bills with the money. I have had to agree because I felt selfish and churlish not doing so. So I am back to square one. He still has his hobby/time to himself. I don't.

Is it just the fate of the woman to eventually give up her 'outside' life ? Should I have listened instead of shrugging off the comments of all the other Mum's I knew who said as much ?

Is it unreasonable that I even want to have something for myself ?

In addition I am also very disappointed by the seeming ease with which my H accepts my unhappiness :(

OP posts:

Soups · 07/09/2011 14:47

Of course it's not wrong for you to want time and things for yourself. You should have as much time and money for your hobbies, as your husband. Do his matches cost anything? Kit, travel, those drinks? I have two children and have always had at least one sporting hobby on the go.

MrsVidic · 07/09/2011 14:49

Firstly- you do not have to give up on yourself, your enjoyment etc just because you have children. You need to have an honest, frank discussion with your DH about how low you are feeling. I am not a SAHM but I'm on mat leave and work part time. Its easy for dp's to forget about your desires as an individual when they see you in the role of the mother to thier children iyswim.

I believe you are entitled to just as much time away from the home doing your own thing as he is. EG my dp is a runner- he works out about 4 times a week- I do the same- we cover each other for this (i.e. i watch the kids then he does).

Just as he is not at work 24/7 you are not in charge of doing everything at home 24/7- we all need time off. Its sometimes hard for the non SAHP to see your role as difficult if they never get a chance to do it and they miss their kids when they work such long hours.

It wasnt just your decision to be a sahm it was both of your decisions so he must treat the role with respect.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/09/2011 14:51

YANBU to be bored. Lots of people discover that 'homemaker' isn't all it's cracked up to be. The answer, however, is not to hit the bottle :) but to talk through how you feel with your partner and come up with a plan on how to take things forward... sharing responsibilities better, so that you have the time to get out of the house and pursue interests that are important to you.

cjbartlett · 07/09/2011 14:52

What sport Is it? Could you do it on a weekend day and dh look after your little one?

ManicPanic · 07/09/2011 14:58

I think it's very important that you stand up for yourself more and let your dh know that you can't accept the current situation any longer. He may, at the moment, accept your unhappiness - but you don't have to.

We all need something pleasant in life to keep us going - something that isn't work, or family. It's great that your dh has his sport - but it is equally vital that you have something too. When my dd was young I couldn't drive, so I couldn't get out to do things, so instead when dd was very young, I joined mumsnet, kept up with newspapers / news, signed up for a dvd rental thingy, and that helped me feel a bit less isolated and alone. And if I ever got talking to anyone, I'd seen all the latest films and I was up on current affairs!

It's got easier to do my own thing as dd has got older and is less of a handful. We can even go out for a walk or to the park now and both os us can enjoy it But I still try have something all to myself if I can, even if it's just walking around town and taking myself for a magazine and a coffee.

Don't accept it. Change it.

Scholes34 · 07/09/2011 15:04

We moved to a new town just after my DD was 2, and my DS 6 months. All the people I got to know, I met through the children at toddler groups, etc, and I socialise with a lot of people now through school. These people aren't just mums (and the occasional dad), they're people too with interests beyond the home and their children. Your DC is still young, but you will start to get time back to yourself. You need to talk to your DH about your need to get out and if necessary you might have to pay for a babysitter if you're out at the same time. You should pursue your sporting interests along the same lines as your DH. It sounds like he needs a bit of a kick up the backside.

schobe · 07/09/2011 15:10

You need to talk to your DH about how you feel - tell him what you've written here.

You called your earnings pin money earlier but now your DH is saying it's needed for bills/debt. I would want to establish with him what that money is for.

Then I would want to ram his rugby ball up his arse.

But perhaps that won't help.

NodsSmilesandBacksAway · 07/09/2011 15:18

dont you think you go through different versions of being "me" throughout your life. None is worse or better than the other, just different.

Be careful with the drinking though - especially around a little one. There are lots of people on here who come home to worse for wear OHs through drink - that must be soul destroying

eurochick · 07/09/2011 15:21

I second everything schobe said.

Your husband's hobby cannot be completely free. Why can he put money towards his hobby but you cannot? He is being very unfair.

Bartimaeus · 07/09/2011 15:45

I think it's totally reasonable for you to want things for yourself - even if the thing is just one hour a week for 'you' time. It'll be much better for the whole family if you can have some space away from being wife and mother. You'll come back refreshed and more enthusiastic about everything!

I'm 8 months pregnant with DC1 and DH and I are having the opposite argument. He keeps suggesting ways that I can take my sport back up straight after the birth, which is making me feel under pressure to go back too soon! (it's a very physically demanding sport that I've stopped since January and feel very unfit and nervous about going back). But I appreciate his position that he needs to look after DC1 at least once a week so I can do something just for me, not for the family. (wouldn't be impressed if he offered to look after the baby so I could go supermarket shopping or something! ).

Tell him how you feel. Ask him to look after the baby a couple of hours at the weekend so you can do something for yourself.

SamWidgiz · 07/09/2011 15:49

You don't have to justify a glass of wine you know!!! ;)

I felt the same, but moreso in the early stages. I think it's partly down to attitude. (Well, that's what I told myself to get me through those dark days.)

I have a hobby, too. Creative writing. Before I was a mother, I had all the time in the world to write, and consequently I hardly ever did.

Once I'd had a baby, the determination to have "something for me" took over, and I wrote whenever she was asleep. DP was supportive, although he didn't seem to like it when it meant I was writing into the late evening, as he wanted to spend time with me. But I made it clear to him that for my own sanity, I needed to do this, at least to get it out of my system and not just feel like Someone's Mum.

In the end, we compromised. I wrote mostly during her daytime sleep, and for up to two hours in the evenings, so I didn't leave him on his own watching TV every night.

I think you need to make it clear to your DH how you feel, and to get back into the saddle, so to speak, at the weekends. There shouldn't be any reason he can't look after your child for at least one day of the weekend...

As for the money, well - it's a pain, but if the debts are paid then that's done and dusted and they're one less thing to worry about. As you still do some work from home, can you start over and save up for the equipment now the debts are gone?

dreamingbohemian · 07/09/2011 15:55

It is NOT impossible to have a life of your own or a hobby, especially with just one child -- please don't believe that.

You need to stand up for yourself. You have just as much right to a hobby as your DH, if your bills are so pressing then you should use his hobby money as well.

CailinDana · 07/09/2011 15:56

Oh your post sounds so sad :( IMO your DH is being very unfair. It wasn't for him to dictate where the money went. How would he react if you said he had to use money he would have spent on rugby to pay off debts? Why does he decide where your money goes?

You should sit your DH down, say you're taking the money you need for equipment out of the account and tell him the days you need to go to training. If he objects then you need to hash it out with him and get to the bottom of it. Is it that he doesn't want to look after your DS on his own, or does he perhaps resent being the main breadwinner? Ask him how much he has spent on rugby and then ask why you can't spend the same on your sport, that should give you an idea of what his problem is.

Squitten · 07/09/2011 16:13

Of course you can have your own life! But sometimes you have to make things happen for yourself. I would sit down with your DH and discuss what you want to do and how that's going to happen. Do you have any reason to think he will actively try to stop you doing what you want?

dreamingbohemian · 07/09/2011 16:16

Also stop thinking of the income you bring into the house as 'pin money' -- it's income, just like your DH's. Perhaps you can set aside a set amount of money each month to cover both your hobbies?

fanjobanjowanjo · 07/09/2011 16:17

Put the wine down, stop whingeing and tell your DH all about it, and do something for yourself.

Just coz you popped out a sprog doesn't mean you are no more than a wife and mother anymore!

notmyproblem · 07/09/2011 18:18

You are not at all being unreasonable. He is, however. How would he react if you showed him your post, and all the replies that follow? Would he be the type to realise how unfair he's been and make changes, or would he just make excuses and try to make you feel bad?

Fwiw my partner actually encourages and prefers me to get out and do my sport (we take turns with childcare and hobbies/free time) because he knows it makes me a happier partner and better mother. Likewise, I do the same with him. I feel bad for you that your partner doesn't see it the same way.

In your shoes, to be honest, I think I'd be inclined to just do my sport anyway leave him with your DS and get on with it. Tally up for him how many hours he does his sport and how many hours you do yours (in non-working hours, i.e. outside the regular working day). Then don't ask, tell him what's going to happen that you will be doing X during Y hours and that's that.

In fact, to me that sounds a bit like your problem... you've been made to feel like you need to justify the fact that you're mostly a SAHM, meaning you feel you need to ask permission from him to spend money or time on yourself. Meanwhile he feels like a big man being the breadwinner and thus just does what he wants and never asks permission from you.

This overriding attitude both yours and his is what needs to change.

Flip