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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder how helicopter mums and indeed the children of helicopter mums are going to cope once said child leaves home?

26 replies

GeneralCustardsHardHat · 06/09/2011 13:46

It genuinely confuses me how helicopter parents cope when their children aren't around them 24/7 and then the knock on effect of how the children cope when they are away from their parents. AIBU to be concerned/confused and other words along those lines about them?

OP posts:

Crosshair · 06/09/2011 13:50

She rings upto 3 times a day.

MrsBuntyCuldeSacPariah2 · 06/09/2011 13:51

I think I might be guilty of being a bit of a helicopter parent in that I spend a lot of time doing things with and around my children. I selfishly enjoy it. Does that mean they won't be able to cope in the world? I doubt it. They appear confident and age appropriately capable so far. Does it mean I'll feel bereft when they fly the nest? Probably. But isn't that part of the human condition/ being a parent?

Lizcat · 06/09/2011 13:51

I am afraid they still helicopter from a distance. I have a member of staff who is 26 whose Mummy and Daddy still helicopter. Only last week she told my administrator 'Daddy says you should .....' my administrator calmly told her that 'Daddy did not work here and this is what we did'.

ZZZenAgain · 06/09/2011 13:51

people adapt (have to) to on the whole to whatever life throws at them or the situation they made for themselves. I think it is really not worth worrying about how heavily monitored dc manage ortheir parents without them, people manage

ZZZenAgain · 06/09/2011 13:53

mum I used to know (last place I lived) had her mother living in the house with her (separate apartment within the house), wherever she and her dc went, the grandmother seemed to be too. I think they will always be very very close and spend a lot of time together. No drawing away on the side of the mother, no interest in it on the side of the dd as far as I could make out. All very close knit

Mario11 · 06/09/2011 13:54

they have to get a hobby cos they cant just interfere with there kids lifes all the time like betty did like paying the house insurance and the christmas didlum and edna told her she had to stop because David was in his 40s and not a child.

MrsBuntyCuldeSacPariah2 · 06/09/2011 13:58

dirtydishesmakemesad · 06/09/2011 14:08

I had a mother like this (loved her but she was very overprotective etc) she died when i was 17 and then i went to uni very shortly after. I was fine although i did make a higher number of silly mistakes than normal, by this I mean silly little things like not knowing how to make rice and burning a hole in the bottom of a bowl by trying to cook it in the microwave. God knows how she would have coped though! I think she would have been distraught once both children had left home - I probably would have been still visiting twice daily

exoticfruits · 06/09/2011 14:16

They become the PIL from hell and you will read about them in future on MN.

It will take them a while to adjust-they will be in for a shock when they ring the university and can't get any information whatsoever!
DCs meanwhile will have a ball! (but a bit dangerous when they are used to having work and social life strictly regulated).

SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 06/09/2011 16:14

Well it depends what you mean by helicopter parent. Anyone who isn't actually neglectful is at risk of getting that label on here as it sometimes seems to be a competition as to whose kids are allowed to do things the youngest sometimes.
A bit of caution when parenting does no harm imo. And in reality most people have 'helicopterish' tendencies and probably other things that they are more relaxed about.
I walked quite a long way to school at age 7 but wasn't left in the house on my own until I moved out. I've survived. I live independently and look after 2 children.
My friend is very anxious about choking and chops up grapes for her 6yo - I don't think this is going to damage her in any way - nor do I think she will still be going round to chop them for her when she's 18.
I sometimes think the term 'helicopter parent' is used on here to make people feel better about taking a more neglectful laid back approach to parenting.

TheSmallClanger · 06/09/2011 16:39

The worst helicopter parent I know has just about managed her DD2's first year at university. She seems to have transferred some of her "flight time" to her dog. I kid you not. It is a lovely dog, but it is claimed to be the brainiest, most empathetic dog in the world, and it is extremely pampered.

worraliberty · 06/09/2011 16:42

They become the MILs from hell of course

exoticfruits · 06/09/2011 16:51

Meanwhile her 6 yr old is probably out and about (if allowed to be) managing whole grapes and even boiled sweets!

SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 06/09/2011 17:18

Probably

She just has a thing about grapes. She's fine with hotdogs, nuts and other things you can choke on.

I would almost always rather risk being overcautious with my kids than risk not being cautious enough. If that makes me a 'helicopter parent' then so be it. It is only on mn that being overcautious with your kids is the worst crime you can commit.
I really don't see how not letting your child walk to school alone age 5 or whatever is gong to mean they are unable to adapt to adult life. While I understand that the job of a parent is to prepare your kids to live independently I think there's plenty of time to do that without hurrying your child on to the next stage. A lot of what a child is capable of is very much down to the individual child as well so you can't always put an age on it.
While there are bound to be some parents who completely stifle their kids whn I've seen the term used on here it's usually used to describe people being a bit overcautious or even just taking what are imo sensible precautions to safeguard their kids.

MeconiumHappens · 06/09/2011 20:31

I've heard they spontaneously combust. Boooom

tralalala · 06/09/2011 20:38

I have a friend who helicopters over my kids in the park as she can't handle my laxness...perhaps she will continue this when they leave home. Could be handy!

KittyFane · 06/09/2011 20:51

worra! You got there before me- exactly what I was thinking!!

Puffykins · 06/09/2011 21:02

My flat mate at university was the product of helicopter parenting. The only time she hasn't lived at home was for those four years, and her mother used to come and stay for days at a time. She's 32 now (my ex-flat mate), still lives at home, and has only recently started 'working' - she and her mother have started a business together.

DrCoconut · 06/09/2011 21:54

The kids go away to uni and have a wild time partying and mixing with unsuitable men/women instead of studying, because they can. Unfortunately they also can fail their course because they are so used to being micromanaged that they can't self regulate and strike the right balance between studying and socialising . They are like kids in a sweet shop with all those chances to rebel. Chances are they have never failed an exam before because they have been kept in all the time and had a revision timetable drawn up, sent to bed early to get a good night's sleep etc. It's a situation I am just getting to as DS1 approaches his teens. How much to I interfere with his not doing homework and how much do I leave him to get into trouble for things that are of his own making? Where is the middle ground between helicopter mum and neglectful mum?

depob · 06/09/2011 22:20

They have a nervous breakdown/split up from partner/take endless calls at work from their dc/drive me round the effing bend - that's my boss anyway.

magicmelons · 06/09/2011 22:30

My friends 7 yo has never been on a play date on her own, she attends all of them with her.

She peers through the school windows to check on her andshe volunteers on every school trip.

She goes into school to talk to other children about their behaviour towards her dd when dd mentions any ishoos.

I am genuinely worried about where this is going to go and when it will stop.

peppapighastakenovermylife · 06/09/2011 22:33

They ring me up on an almost daily basis to complain about how I am treating their baby (university lecturer)

MissBetsyTrotwood · 06/09/2011 23:04

DH was the most helicoptered kid in town. He went to a university good and far away, chopped the apron strings and is the most confident, self assured, independent person I know. DSisil has found it difficult to live independently (partly as a result of a bad accident though.)

I think the outcomes of helicopter parenting depend on the child. Nature and nurture.

fargate · 06/09/2011 23:07

It seems to me that bringing up children is one long process of letting them go in order to explore/master the world; from giving birth to them to accepting them as settled with their own families.

So. It can go both ways with helicoptering parents when teenagers claim their independence - either keeping them sheltered, immature and dependent. Or feeling rejected and redundant when they cut the apron strings - parents grieving for 'my lost baby', 'wanting my DC/DD back'

Not easy.

Fluffymonster · 07/09/2011 06:52

DP's parents: probably continue in same vein - still sends him money (even though he's 40, has a family of his own, and a stable-ish, decent job). His Dad pays for family holidays, so that we can all spend a week together once a year. Once when we had an emormous row, DP phoned them and they dropped everything and drove 2hrs to make sure he was alright. Whenever we go over for a visit - his mum still brings him cups of tea in bed. As we have children, they have somewhat shifted their focus to their grandkids now, but seem to repeat their family dynamics with our children, i.e. DP was PFB, his younger brother was always labelled as 'the naughty/stubborn/awkward one, and now MIL talks of our DD1 (age 4) as 'a lovely, lovely child', and said of DD2 (age 2) as 'I think you'll have problems with that one'.

DP: Left home at 17 for uni. His parents made sure he got accommodation that was catered for, so he didn't even have to cook for himself. Unfortunately it was also located miles away from the city centre and in a post-retirement area that was boring as hell. He left for a more thriving studenty area after a term, discovered a social life, found some friends, and never looked back. He's quite a rounded person now - fairly responsible, great Dad, shops, cooks, does his own laundry and ironing, etc. and can look after himself a bit. But still crap with money and finances, and I would say sometimes behaves thoughtlessly, like the world revolves around him, even though he's a decent bloke. Has said he could never, ever live with his parents again these days, without going nuts.

BIL: Found partner and got married - seemed fine at first but split with wife when baby was 6mths. Moved back home to live with parents, and has been there ever since - his DD is now 10. His Mum does his washing and tidies his room, his Dad does most of the cooking. When his DD goes to stay with him, his Mum ends up doing a lot of the childcare, if she's around. But the arrangement seems to suit them all, so...[shrugs]

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