to have it dawn on me that I'm being flagrantly used by a mate?

[theonlytruththatsticks]

This post ain?t witty, shocking, or addictive/horrifying ? but I do so need Mumsnet wisdom.

Bosom Buddy (BB) wants to start a business based on a highly profitable hobby. So I say, don?t pay an accountant, I?ll sort it for you (setting it up, saving tax tricks etc) because it?s my day job.

BB knows nowt about companies and it's a big job. I go to hours of trouble and along the way pick up two superb advisers for her, both free.

Then I sort out endless forms, make up BB Inc.?s docs, etc, leaving no stone unturned in terms of making her a lot more money in the long term and saving her several hundred pounds in the short term.

In response, I get short emails that start ?I need you to?.?

Tonight is the final step and we need to go online together for all of 10 mins. It is urgent. Can you pop round, I say (I am knackered). Oh no, she says, I have the children. (I know this. There are loads and I look after them often.) It would cost her max £4 to ask nanny to stay extra 15 mins so she can drop in to me way back from work.

BB refuses to come round. I protest. Finally I give in and say I will drop round myself. She emails me to say she wont be home yet. Accidentally using her full name that she only uses to people like her agent. So I get to cancel my evening plans to suit her by going later.

Does this sound painfully petty? Well, no. The cash she's making certainly ain?t trivial for her ? and the lack of the word ?thank you? ain?t for me.

Pls vote as to whether I go round tonight??

Don't go around. You offered to help ... She took the piss = end of help.

OOI, What's going to happen if you don't do whatever you're meant to do tonight?

Agree with others- if she doesnt think it's important, then that's her look out. She's the CEO and sole shareholder.

what ahve you decided OP?
If you're free tonight I could use a hand

Hello Stealth. I would love to come round tonight to yours! I need a new friend and can offer low-priced

A lot of people are telling me BB is naive eg about the elderly aunts - but thanks to their help she made well into six figures. So...

She's using you, she's got used to you being at her beck and call. Sorry to be mean but you have made yourself her doormat and need to stop this right now.
It's her business not yours. You NEED to be busy tonight and she can drop round and sort this stuff out when it's convenient for YOU. Then make it the last time you ever help her.
Christ this person sounds like such a leech!

If you don't want to get screwed, don't take off your pants and bend over. Of course she's using you, you handed yourself over on a platter.
Man up.

OP well I'd love to be your friend but I'll be out drinking with DH. Kids need to be in bed by 8, after a bath. Then the bathroom could do with a clean, there's a love.

Going round tonight doesn't work for you. Stick to that. She's using you, you know this. If she wants you to help her, she needs to fit round you, not the other way round.

In fact, email her that. She needs to realise there's limits to friends' generosity.

You are a good person for doing all this for your friend.
I think you need to tell her politely but straight in an email- I am glad I could help you out with the new business but now it's taking up too much of my free time so you should now be in a position to get yourself a new accountant or we should set this up on a business footing.
If she is a decent prson who is just caught up with her new venture she should respond accordingly. If she doesn't you'll know she's not worth it. The longer it goes on the more put upon you'll feel.

All wisdom taken and duly noted. Can I make a confession? After what many of MNs learned jury said, I wondered why I am quite such a (mug, see).

And I thought, well, I wouldn't mind something back. Quid pro quo - mutual exchange - is a good basis for any relationship. And, what with the barmy family, and being on my own, I could use someone reliable in time of need. But does that make me a mega-?

You're only a if you keep on doing things as a favour when it's become abundantly clear that she wouldn't put herself out for you if the positions were reversed. Favours back and forth are a normal part of relationships, and sometimes we're the ones doing a lot more favours than we are ever likely to call in. But it's the knowledge that someone is a genuine friend, and you could ask a favour in return (and expect her to instantly jump to help you even if it took quite a bit of effort) that makes the difference between being a giving friend and being a mug.

This relationship has wandered too far in the direction of you giving and her taking, and her assuming that's your respective roles in life, to be acceptable any more.

She's takin the piss out of you.

Do not go round! I hate friends that expect you to do things for them. You sound like you have been amazingly helpful to you BB and she is taking the piss!

She's obviously taking the pee one fifty five, whether consciously or not, probably not, but you've allowed her to (even though you only had the best intentions)

Thing is, you've set a precedent, so I think you might have to just suck it up this one time, and you did say this thing tonight is the final step.

I'd say go round, get it sorted and make a big fuss out of "Yay that's the final step all sorted! - I'm so glad to have been able to help you through this initial period - Good luck with the rest of your journey without me wiping your arse " Then the next time she asks for help - be firm and decline. Then as others have said - pass her the details of a good (& expensive) accountant to hammer the point home.

I think she's an arsehole (neither a friend, nor user)

Get out, save yourself.

Politely say you hope you've found the input useful but you won't be able to do any more work for free.

she's

I think she's both a friend and a user. Not that unusual.

To be honest, I'm coming to the end of my work-based "mate's rate" free or drastically reduced in price services too. Especially after a recent event which delivered the sort of demands I'd treat as unrealistic even from a paying client (but which I politely worked around). To add insult, now that the assignment is done and dusted there's a resounding silence on the friendship front too. Clearly I am no longer anywhere near as essential a companion although I can't say I am pining for our former (and clearly very convenient) closeness.

I'm very much liking "that doesn't work for me" and think it will be repeated more often. I suspect it could work well for you, too, OP!

Oh my GOD I am agog

She's a user

I've had help from friends and ALWAYS negotiated a return favour right there and then, at the time, so we know what footing we're on.