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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset over my neighbours lack of care for my sons?

41 replies

bubby64 · 06/09/2011 10:32

I am fuming over my neighbour who was supposed to look after my 10yr old DS's yesterday. Turns out she left them and her 2 youngest (8 and 9)with her 19yr old son (who has just moved back home after getting into trouble where he was living). He entertained himself by throwing things at them,wouldnt let them play outside, had music blasting out at deafening level, wouldn't let them play upstairs in the kids rooms, play x-box or even watch TV, all which they would normally be allowed to do there. He even had the 4 of them doing his chores! Said he would "beat them up" if they didn't! He was also mistreated their dog, which really upset my two animal loving kids.Angry
She was meant to be there with them for most of the day, she had said she would have to be out for "an hour or so", with her DD(16)which I was not too worried about, but she went out at 10 and didnt get back to 4pm! I only found out what had happened when my 2 got upset at bed time and wanted to sleep in the same room, as (her son) had threatened to come over and "get them" if they said anything!Angry
She offered to look after the boys for me and I am having her 2 here today, but if she knew she was going to be out all day, she should not have offered to child mind, she knows that I had other options available. I would have looked after her 2 anyway today.
She has not returned my calls, and even sent her kids over to mine this morning with her daughter, rather than bring them over herself.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 06/09/2011 11:18

In a way then it has been good that she left yours with him, otherwise you don't know how bad his treatment of the DC's may have gotten.

You need to tell her and don't let her make excuses, he is well old enough to know better.

Original poster
bubby64 · 06/09/2011 11:24

I still feel, however, that if you offer to child mind, you child mind, not leave it to someone else for the majority of the day.

OP posts:
RedOnion · 06/09/2011 11:26

Oh I wish you could tell me where you live so I can come round and zap the prick up the arse with a cattle prod.

RedOnion · 06/09/2011 11:28

I agree with the others that you absolutly 100% have to tell the woman about the behaviour of her son. I feel very sorry for the younger children (not to mention the poor dog Angry) and if she genuinely doesn't know - she needs to.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 06/09/2011 11:29

In fairness to the neighbour she probably thought her 19 year old could be trusted for a few hours, I think it's him you need to be taking this up with tbh.

MangoMonster · 06/09/2011 11:30

That's awful. He sounds hideous. She probably doesn't realise how bad he is. I would tell her what you heard and probably best not to trust her again, just in case. IMO there's not much of a line to cross between hurting animals and hurting humans, for someone of his age.

LemonDifficult · 06/09/2011 11:35

YANBU. It's not OK to say you will look after a child and then delegate it like this. And as for the behaviour of the 19yo - really poor.

If it was me I'd be tempted to let the heat go out of it today. Have her children and return them normally. Don't get angry, just tell her you are concerned for her children and also for her dog. Explain about the 19yo's behaviour (calmly - he's her son and she won't like hearing it dramatically) and say that while obviously you have alternative options, she may need to rethink leaving her children with him.

SnapesMistress · 06/09/2011 11:39

Shock at the son, she really needs to be told about his behaviour.

signothetimes · 06/09/2011 11:41

I think it would probably be best if you asked her to come and collect the children from yours, so you can talk to her away from the 19yr old. Ask her in for a chat, and let the kids stay upstairs playing while you explain to her what happened. If this 'thing' is as cruel as has been described, then he is one seriously screwed up individual. As much as I understand your anger about her leaving your kids for hours when she said she would mind them, I think you need to focus on the more serious issue i.e. the treatment of the children by that git. The neighbour may genuinely not know how cruel her son is, and wouldn't have thought it a problem leaving the children for any length of time. She should have told you, and you are right to be annoyed/angry. In your shoes, I'd make the point that you wished she had told you she wasn't able to mind the children, rather than leave them with her son, especially in light of what he did. But with the main focus on what he did, and how he treated those children.

My child minder's son is 18 and I'd have no qualms about her leaving my DD in his care for any length of time, as he is great with kids, DD loves him to bits and he is a genuine, caring, sensible lad who can be trusted. In a one off emergency, I would absolutely be fine about him minding DD if my CM had to go out somewhere. While I know this wasn't quite a one off emergency in your case, if your neighbour's son was like this 18 yr old, I doubt you would have been posting anything at all.

DoMeDon · 06/09/2011 11:58

I agree bubby - I'd have been annoyed she went out all day even if the son wasn't a nasty bastard

Original poster
bubby64 · 06/09/2011 14:39

Thanks for all the advice. I am deff going to talk to his mum, the little ones had been told by him that he was left in charge, and they had to do what he said and not to argue or "backchat" him (certainly not a phrase most 8yr olds would normally make up!) or they would be in trouble with their mum.
He is their 1/2 brother, and they haven't had a lot to do with him for several years, as he was living with his dad, then he got in trouble down there, and moved in here until it settled down. Makes me wonder how much this is really him trying to get back at his mum through the kids, and how much its because he has always a troublemaking little shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
bubby64 · 06/09/2011 22:07

Well, talked to the Mum, who, after speaking with my and her own DC said she didnt realise things were "so bad", so she must have had an inkling of what was going on.Angry
She also apologised for leaving them with him for so long, I did express my surprise that she had offered to childmind, and then gone out for the day, and she just blustered about that, saying she didn't think it would matter as there was an "adult" looking after them all!Confused
She has now apparently asked her ex to have the son back to live with him, as she said she couldn't trust him to be with her younger DC.

OP posts:
CoffeeIsMyFriend · 06/09/2011 22:16

good on you for speaking out, but I would be careful about letting her have your children in future.

The adult son sounds like a shit and obviously has issues.

ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin · 06/09/2011 22:21

'She has now apparently asked her ex to have the son back to live with him, as she said she couldn't trust him to be with her younger DC.'

If the ex says no, the young man is old enough to live independently.

maypole1 · 06/09/2011 22:21

Poor show you should never leave a child with some one else when you have asked to babysit

Especially a teen

In my view if you have been asked to babysit and you need to pop out leaving said child with persons not agreed or know you should ring and ask if its ok

I would be calling the police and make very sure she never looks after your child again

Very worrying behaviour from a 19 year old

Crosshair · 06/09/2011 22:39

Glad you told her, he sounds rather unhinged.

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