To want to drag my son home and give him a good shake

[honeytoast]

Past couple of weeks since DS1 (17) has past his driving test he has been having outburst because I havent insured my car for him to drive..

Yesterday I was just said quietly watching TV DS1 ask about dinner I said it will be 20 mins,
then he said could I fill in some college forms and I said leave them on the side and I fill them in, next thing DS1 said "ooh you are so f**king mardy I will take them to nan's" and then started banging about...

I admit at this point I did raise my voice and said "Right stop swearing and I said I would do it and stop talking to me like I am something you have trod in"

Then next thing I got an abusive out burst of
"you fking slag"
"fk off"
"ct"
"ps off""

I am totally disgusted with him and his total lack of disrespect, he has been brought up better than that, how I managed to keep my temper in check I dont know.

He has now packed his suitcase and went to stop and his friends last night, I did go and see him to ask him to come home (as he has got college today) all I got was "p**s off"

So now I really dont know what to do, I dont know if he has gone to college, I just really want to grab hold of him and drag him home but very hard when he is over 6ft

sounds to me like he thinks he is very grown up and expects exactly what he asks for. hes forgetting the fact he still lives under your roof and if he wishes to have the luxury of driving he should be paying towards it and treating you with respect. 17 or not if i had spoken to my mum like that i would have got a smack in the god. if i spoke to my mum like that now i would still get a slap!
he needs to learn what real life is like, not having mummy there to do everything for him and then shit on her when he feels a bit pissed off!
you are his mother and he should have some bloody respect.
my oh was a git when he was a teenager he used to smoke weed so was a moody idiot, and gave his mum grief until one day he pushed his mum too far and she gave a him a slap. he soon changed his tune.
I'm not saying you have to beat him but he needs to loose a few privileges and realize where his bread is buttered.

Good grief, I'd never have dreamed of talking to my parents like that! Like him, I had a summer job and a list of jobs to do around the house when not working when I was his age.. all normal. Do you have an otherwise easy relationship with him?

Where has the money from his jobs gone? Maybe, because of this outburst he can pay for insurance himself!

YABU to want to drag him home! Quite reasonable about the shake though.

You said you wanted to 'get him off to college in the morning' - do you think maybe you could stand back and do less for him? You sound strong and I know it's hard when it's their education that suffering.

I'd forget the car for the time being, he needs more self control.

Change your locks (or leave the key turned on the inside all the time) so when he DOES come home (and he will, when he wants money/food/laundry/his own bed) he has to knock. Then when he does knock, tell him you are not opening the door until he apologises for what he said. Even if you were a total stranger in the street he should not have spoken like that - let alone his mother!

That sounds like a very good idea Rowena I will do that.

Thanks everyone for your advice and comments much appreciated.

I would be leaving him at his friend's house and not letting him back in mine until I had an apology.

The only problem with Rowena's plan is that any meaningful dialogue will be impeded by a closed door and this may lead to more raised voices or, at best, a grudging mumbled apology from the other side of the door which will not be a good start to resumed relations.

I suggest you ensure that he has to knock/ring bell to gain entrance, but don't initiate any conversation with him and wait to see what he has to say before stepping aside to let him into the house.

If he says nothing, respond in kind and go about your usual business making polite conversation (i.e. dinner in x minutes) without any reference to what has occurred.

When having any conversation with him about the incident, or if he asks again about the use of your car, simply say that his lack of self-control coupled with his disrespect has served to convince you that your precious vehicle and other motorists/pedestrians and passengers will not be safe in his hands, and that if he wishes to become a road user he'll have to save to buy and insure his own car.

If he starts ranting/swearing again, simply say that he's proving your point.

Whenever you experience anger at anyone's attitude rise do your utmost to above it; keep your voice low, keep what you need to say to a minimum and then remove yourself from their presence and vent out of their sight and hearing - I know this strategy is easier said than done but it is achievable with practise.

I was thinking that if the door is open, he can unless mum is built like a Russian shotputter and a bodybuilder to boot force his way in - irate teenagers can lash out first and think second... don't open the door until you're sure what mood he's in. Hopefully he will be ready to come home and willing to apologise, and mean it, but if he tries to come charging in full of hell, and belligerent, you don't want him "loose" so to speak.

Leave him to stew in it, I treated my parents like shit during my teenage years, not sure I used the 'C' word but chances are, I probably did to gauge a reaction. I got booted out loads of times and would come crawling back apologising when my mates had enough of me sleeping on their floors.

Let him know you love him but don't give into bullying.

We had this problem with ds1 for a while, he was 14 /15 at the time but 6 foot 3 and alot stronger than me. It was always due to him not getting his own way and would stomp off to his gp on his dads side who would pander to him and tell him he was right.

After the first few times of him doing this I stopped getting upset and asking him to come back. The last time he did it he asked to come back of his own accord and was told not until your attitude changes and you realise you will be punished for your behaviour. (he had punched holes in the bedroom doors ) after 2 weeks he came back, fixed the doors, was grounded and lost his pocket money. We have had no problems with him since, it's been over a year.

Our biggest problem was that the gp nabbed the behaviour by not sending him home so he knew if he did something wrong he could go down there and avoid punishment.

let him stew.

demand (and get an apology)

DON'T insure him on your car.

He needs to buy himself a car, insure it and run it. No-one, especially my own DS would call me a C* and get me to hand over my car keys. Add to that the dismissal he made over the 1 passenger and 11-6 curfew. perfectly reasonable.

If he hadn't sworn at you I'd have said, 'It's that policy or nothing if I'm paying for it, but if you are not happy, then do run along and get your own car insurance, there's a little lamb...'

NO! He wants to use adult words? needs to see what work in involved in being an adult first!

I would tell him he can come home when he apologizes. (and his friend won't want him there indefinitely)

And I'd let him know he's blown any possible chance of you insuring your car for him, IMO someone who loses the plot and throws a wobbly when he doesn't get his own way immediately, is not mature enough to be in charge of a vehicle, he'd be a danger on the roads.