to find my SIL's behaviour a bit creepy?

[theancientmarinator]

Forgive me, but this is going to be a bit of a long story. My elderly mother lives in the next town to us ? about 45 mins drive away ? and my 4 siblings are spread around the country. One brother and his wife live ten minutes away from my Mum and have been most involved in Mum?s care ? by which I mean that while I popped up to see her once or twice a week they would pop by two or three times and were her go to people in an emergency. Last year I began to feel uncomfortable about this situation ? it began to look as though my SIL was deliberately edging me out of my relationship with my Mum. I thought I was probably being cynical and paranoid and tried to ignore this feeling

In May my mum had a brain haemorrhage, called my SIL and B and was admitted to hospital at 3pm. They stayed by her bed for 3 hours, went home for a couple of hours to eat and returned to the hospital. It?s worth pointing out that at this point drs were unsure if Mum would last till the morning. My SIL phoned me to tell me my mum was in hospital at 11pm ? 8 hours after she was admitted and way too late for me to come in to the hospital. I assumed they had been working their way through my other siblings and had taken a while to get to me ? in fact they had not contacted them at all. They phoned one bro the next day and the other two the day after that.

My Mum did survive but with big cognitive and affective problems. My second oldest bro and his wife offered to have her come to live with them, either permanently or until she felt well enough to return to her flat. My SIL fought this tooth and nail, actually lying to the hospital to make sure Mum would not be released into his care, and subsequently lying about him and branding him 'a dangerous troublemaker' to myself and both my other brothers. They both live hundreds of miles away and were not in a position, I suppose, to realise that this simply was not true. Long story short (ish) my Mum did eventually go to live with my Bro and when it was clear he and his wife could not provide the round the clock care she now needs he very sensitively managed her into a really lovely care-home nearby where she has settled well and finally seems happy. She is a few miles from this brother but about 3hr drive from my wicked SIL and myself. Throughout this period this SIL and Bro have been a total nightmare, lying to my more distant Bro?s about me and the bro who actually took mum in, trying to insist on my being excluded from hospital checkups, demanding that I hand over the spare keys to my Mum?s flat to them, and actually saying on several occasions behind my back that this was all none of my business and that I should stop interfering. The decisions about Mum?s care have been made by family discussion (through email because of the distances involved) and she and my bro agreed to having my bro take mum in, and subsequently finding her a permanent residential care home ? in fact when they visited her after a couple of weeks in the home they raved to my aunt about how perfect it was for my Mum. In spite of this I discovered yesterday when I bumped into an old friend who goes to my Mum and SIL?s church that she has been very publicly and dramatically dissolving in tears and telling everyone how she has been completely left out of the decision making process, how she has been like a daughter to my Mum and feels devastated by her departure, how completely against Mum being in this home she is, etc and how hurtful my bro and I have been to her ? and several other things my friend refused to repeat because they would be too upsetting. My DH and I are not churchgoers but a lot of the people in this church are old friends of ours, and DH?s entire stepfamily are members too so I actually feel very hurt that they have been given this version of events behind my back.

In spite of everything I have not said a word to my SIL and Bro about their behaviour, or to anyone in their church or even to my two bros who live far away. But having an old friend accost me in the street yesterday and ask me why we have been so mean to my ?poor? SIL was a final straw for me ? I didn?t tell said friend the whole story but by God I was tempted! We have our annual family (5 siblings, 5 SILs, 12 kids from 1-23 one elderly aunt) weekend away in 3 weeks and now I just can?t face spending three days under the same roof as this woman. So AIBU to be thinking of pulling out of this holiday? or for that matter to be keeping quiet about my side of the story to everyone while she gleefully lies about me to all and sundry? Help me out here sensible MNers because I think I have lost all sense of perspective.

I am sorry your mother was ill and is still suffering.

You are spitting nails about your SIL and blaming her because My bro doesn't really 'do' communication. Why is he being absolved of anything in this situation? Doesn't really do communication is a shite reason to not blame him for picking up the phone and dumping it all on your SIL.

Your SIL has turned to her church because she clearly cannot turn to any of her H's family can she!

She has been like a daughter to her going in and looking after her or helping out 3 days a week. Why do you get a nice shiney halo for doing that but your SIL gets defined as creepy and seen as pushing you out ??

Then you all chose to ignore her saying that your other brother couldn't cope which has been proven! You do not know what conversations she had with your mum. It sounds to me like she has been acting what she thinks is in your mums best interests and the rest of you have all chosen to ignore her because she is not family.

Perhaps she is really devastated that a person she was close to is now in a care home hours drive away from her and she cannot see her as much?

OK, so you've said nothing because you don't want to start a fight? But have you considered how saying nothing might appear to your DB&SIL?

By saying nothing, you actually, in their eyes, agree with them. You have chosen not to contradict, therefore you must not feel there is anything to contradict, therefore you agree. Crap I know, but there it is. Is that what you want? Because it encourages them to continue in the same vein, rather than pull back and reconsider. Or to be blunt, your silence is part of why they are behaving in this way.

I see what you're saying about caring for your mum being a purpose for your SIL, and if they are in the same obscure church she may feel closer to your mum than the average SIL. But you're doing her no favours letting her work herself into a lather.

And now that others have pointed it out, the spare key thing does sound odd. Have you been to your mothers house lately to tidy, check for mail etc? Perhaps you should. Maybe for a purpose, e.g. to look out photographs that you think your mother might be pleased to have with her, but also to reassure yourself that all is well in general.

Yanbu. She sounds very odd.

Do you think that she genuinely loves your mum and is fighting for what she feels is your mum's best interests, or do you feel she has her eyes on the prize, so to speak?

Commented already but have been thinking about this.

If I was seriously ill and might not last through the night I would want my (adult) children to be told. I would hate to die and for them to feel bad because they were not with me. I would also hate to think that they just didn't care enough to be with me. A dil who loved me would know this and would have told my children.

Do you think there is a reason why your mil did not give a spare key to your sil and brother, because it seems odd to me that the spare key was not with the person who saw your mother the most?

I would be pissed off at bro1 who didn't phone his siblings for 8 hours when his mother may not last the night and bro 2 who removed the mother 3 hrs away from home for his convenience rather than SIL who has been the primary carer for some time and has saved you a lot of work.

I'm not sure why 11pm was to late to go to the hospital, Intensive/critical care units usually allow 24hr visiting by next of kin.

Hmm. I'd agree with checking the house for missing articles with the trying to get the spare key. Can imagine finding the valuable stuff "removed for safe keeping" by them and then when she'd died "oh she said I could keep it."
My dgp had a carer that was desperate to get spare keys ("then I don't have to disturb you to let myself in") and such like. She stole round about £5000 in money in various ways and lots of other stuff too.

I think your brother was totally wrong for not phoning you and your siblings straight away.
Go to the get together and tell your brother/sil what you have told us.

You need to be pissed off with your brother.

Your sil sounds like she has done everything she can for your mum and has presumably come to love and be loved by her over the years that she has been there for her.

Your sil, who preumably had a good idea of your mums needs, objected to your other brother looking after your mum and was ultimately proved right. How unsettling for your mum and sad for your sil that her view was ignored.

Your mum is now living miles away from teh two people that spent the most time with her (you and sil) and presumably her friends and neighbours. I feel sorry for your poor mum and you sil in this.

My SIL did the same thing although in this case it was my DH's brother and SIL if you see what I mean - your brother is as much if not more to blame than your SIL. This sort of thing happened to us, I've heard of it happening to so many other people, I can only assume a sum of money is likely to come to whoever has managed to influence your Mum the most. Saying nothing and trying to be nice to keep the peace will simply shore up that influence.

I don't know much about brain haemorrhages but is it possible that when your mum was first admitted to hospital they didn't know that she might not have made it through the night. They left for two hours to get some food so presumably at this point they didn't know how bad things were and that's why they left for so long, then when they found out how serious it was that is when they called you?

YANBU - but your anger should be directed at your Brother, not 'doing' communication is not an excuse for not calling you when your Mother was ill.

People do get very possessive of old/ill people and a lot of it is about them being a martyr - happened when my Mother was ill, after the event people claiming they had visited/helped so much (and how much of a strain they found it/how sad it was etc) - In my experience it is empty vessels that rattle the loudest and I would question why on Earth she thinks she has the right to ask for your Mother's key back! Maybe she doe snot have much in her life and this was her 'role' to the outside world hence the gnashing of teeth and public breakdowns - it maybe that she really misses her but it does sound a bit unhealthy to be honest - she needs to get out more.

However, you need to grow a pair and have a chat to them both, keep your key and correct anyone that tells you anything about the situation that is incorrect - they have already fucked you over a little bit (they clearly felt that they were more important to be at your Mother's side than any of the other children!)for goodness sakes don't let them keep on doing it - by doing nothing you are tacitly agreeing with them.

Right, I'm off to grow a bigger pair... Actually, I have spoken with my other bro's on the phone today (at length, and it turns out they were all MUCH more aware of what was going on than I thought, and that there has been a campaign to push me out of my mum's life for the past 2 years which makes me less worried about being paranoid but a lot more pissed off! They didn't say anything before because they thought I didn't know and didn't want to upset me by telling me) and we have agreed that we are going to bring it up with my brother. I think the various posters who pointed out it should have been him contacting us are completely spot on. Actually, all the discussions about my mum's care were done by email. My SIL and B replied jointly to everything but we are now wondering if, actually, he left her out of the loop and just signed off on her behalf each time and this is why she thinks she's been excluded? It would explain her ire if everything was presented to her as a done deal when she felt she had a very special place in my mum's heart.
About the keys, btw - I did hand them over but took the precaution of getting a spare pair cut first. Nothing's gone missing. The will issue had occurred to me and DH but I reckon if they've changed the will since the hmrge it's not legal because she most certainly was not of sound mind and if it was before then she knew what she was doing, it's her money and that's her business.

Thanks again to everyone who has troubled to read my lengthy post and comment on it - it has really helped to get outside of my own wee bubble and look at some alternative views on this.

i think you need to sit and discuss this with SIL b4 the holiday. clear the air and talk about how to move forward.

A brain haemorrhage is a serious thing even if it was only slight so no excuse for sil and db not ringing other siblings.

If my elderly mother was admitted to hospital for whatever reason I'd expect to be told straight away

Your sil and db both sound unreasonable

Please go to your family gathering so that bad feeling between you and your SIL can hopefully be lessened. Your SIL must have some insecurities contributing to her unfortunate behaviour - not what you need when you're sad about your mum's poor health but try to keep some communication going with her. This difficult time will pass.......... Good luck.

'kill them with kindness' my grandma used to say.

Presumably you are annoyed by the slander so go on your family holiday, enjoy yourself and be nice, wait until everyone is relaxed and the subject of your mum is raised.

Surely at some point in the conversation it will be mentioned about how happy your mum is at being cared for in a home run by the denomination of worship that both she and your SIL are heavily involved in. Then casually drop into conversation that you bumped into so and so the other day and that she was concerned for your SIL with regard to events relating to your mothers relocation and that you too are missing her greatly. Hopefully she will see that you have been privy to the conversations (and hysterical behaviour) that she has been displaying and that you must obviously know what else has been said about everyone she is in the room with. (As long as she is not totally self absorbed that is).

You need say no more and ergo arguement avoided, and hopefully she will check her behaviour and rectify it. If not and you subsequently find out then I would cut all ties with her.

Either way you will get to draw a line under it, without being confrontational or causing a family row.

(P.S. when saying goodbye mention to SIL to say hi to so and so for you and that you are looking forward to seeing her again)!!

If all else fails beat her with a big stick!! (only joking)

oops scratch that didn't read your last post, Good Luck x

"there has been a campaign to push me out of my mum's life for the past 2 years"

What form has this campaign taken, OP? What has been said and done?