to think I let ds3 down?

[Peachy]

yesterday we were at a carnival. We walked past a group of people who heard ds3 speak, he has autism and associated speech disorders, and laughed at him calling him a few names like diim.

They didn;t know I can hear.

I feel I let him down by not saying anything.

DH feels I did as well (he wasn;t tehre).

It's not just that- I won't appeal for a blue badge becuase I am scared of being confronted by people who can't see his disability having a go; I won;t even use a P&T space despite having 2 (nad one being dx'd ) asd kids with me becuase I don't 'qualify' for P&T now ds4 is a pre-schooler. DH got very annoyed saying I was placing their safety below my embarassment at potentially being faced with a 'mumsnetter who thinks she has a bigger right'.

We get no help with respite of any kind and I almost handed back teh taxi SSD provide to pa[lyscheme (a palyscheme available to NT kdis as well) becuase I found out that for us to get it, a friend with an asd child and who is a single mum lost hers.

AIBU to think I am really letting the boys down? I read about people having a sense of entitlement- I seem to have the opposite. I ahven;t been able to do any work for 6 months and instead of closing my (incredibly tiny) business I still pay NI (I checked with HMRC that this is OK, it is) becuase it amkes me feel less guilty about teh help we do get (some disability support and SNU places).

[Peachy]

Not sure what happens if we get ill, it did one day last year and we couldn;t even get them to school, was quite scary. We did start buying in a day a month respite but then ahd to stop due to money

It is for them of course but they don;t go qwithout anyay; rather we would be able to start using the other oney for things not for them IYKWIM: Dh owns one pair of long trousers ATM he says he's OK with it though and he's definitely not a clothes worrier.

We shall see, See how he cevelops, We've gone rom starting MS and he will fly to taking bets on how long he will last (and a Base ds3 attends have quietly set a palce aside if needed- no toehr child wants it anyway but they are aware IYKWIM). I think I might be in MASIVE denial about ds4, I know DH is.

[Peachy]

There isn;t support for us; it hinges locally on teh key question of would you harm your children and the answer has to be no.

That's just the way it is, had to accept that.

[Tota1Xaos]

I strongly urge you to apply for the DLA for DS4, given current political situation, it is likely only going to get harder to apply a few years down the line.

[Peachy]

Is that you TC?

[nickschick]

If it is TC then bloomin listen to her.

Im afraid that you are going to 'miss out' on an entitlement your ds is due,this government is making huge differences to the disability elements get claiming now.

The money you get will free up other money so your Dh has more than one pair of trousers,so that you can get a break - sometimes an extra bit of money brings all sorts of relief.

What will happen in a few years cos ds4 wont always be small and manageable if he is able to catch a bus? if his fascination is travelling on buses -a small pleasure one might think but bus fares are expensive - dla money would give you the money to indulge his 'hobby',its for him its hard enough being different dont make yourselves go without and be different.

Theres that many people of all social classes screwing this system fir things theyre not entitled too and you,dafty,are there needing/deserving this money and doing zip.

[AnaisB]

Your DS didn't notice the idiots, so you didn't let him down.

But this seems to be about more than that. When you say you have the "opposite of a sense of entitlement" does that mean you have low self-esteem? Talking about whether or not you should claim the benefits just seems to be skirting around that issue.

(You should deffo claim them though!)

[Spinkle]

Some daft teen laughed at my ASD son in McDonalds because he was having a bit of a meltdown.

Me: is that funny then?
Them: silence
Me: he has autism, what's your excuse?
Them: errrrr

Meanwhile the teens' parent looks mortified

It's taken me a while to be so bloody bolshy. My son cannot defend himself and until such time he can, I'll kick arse for him.

He is different, not less.

I don't think you've let your DS down. Not everyone wants to be confrontational!

[chipmonkey]

Peachy, don't be so hard on yourself!
Would it have been worth the confrontation? Or would it have drawn the situation to ds3's attention when he was otherwise oblivious?
FWIW, I think you should apply for whatever you are entitled to, not for you but for your boys. Even if you don't need the money now, put it in a savings account for them, they may need it at some point in the future.

[Peachy]

Thnaks.

Had a really low moment today as ds4 didnt really cope much (better than I expectd though) at his first independent baby gym class and some cow was whining that kids with Sn get help and why shouldn;t her NT child get as much help as them (she assumed the home visit for nursery was for identifying SN, except of course a statement takes 6 months to process, day before will not cut it!)

Then I found out baby gym had dedicated someone just to being alongside ds4 and theya re paying her, quietly and not looking for rpaise or thanks: then Queen mum came over in an obvious show of support and was just lovely.

And I feel less awful.

I think self esteem is in there, I am a logical sort and with all teh stuff about economy etc on the enws I am painfully aware that if my family did not exist then the country would be better off.

DH sniffs at this, points out that I worked for cahrities for eyars, that not everything is £ related but still, it's somethingt hat once occurred is painful.

But also ds4's Sn is only really becoming evident and I know from experience that a small breakdown is inevitable.

[2blessed2bstressed]

Oh for goodness sake! I really feel for you OP, but I'm afraid I do think you are doing all your children a disservice by not claiming what you are perfectly entitled to. As anyone who is in receipt of it knows, DLA is not handed out to all and sundry - you have to complete a raft of forms and checks - and you use it for your child...for them...for the extra things they need. Ok, so "you get by", but how about 1 to 1 swimming, or private physio, or SALT, or riding for the disabled? All things my ds1 has accessed, and I have paid for with his DLA. And he has benefited fantastically from them all.
I don't think anyone will be standing applauding as you nail yourself to a cross in your back garden, but I will be, when you grow yourself a bit more backbone and start standing up for your family.
As for the losers at the carnival, ignoring was probably the most sensible option.

I know I probably sound really harsh OP, I don't mean to upset you, but you could have things much easier, and you deserve to.

[Pagwatch]

Peachy, get a grip girl.

Firstly, we all have situations where we are stunned by the over whelming meaness of people and are unable to react.
We are happy to post when we craft the perfect retort but real life isn't like that. And I found that some days I am scathing but other days I am just not up for that. We are all different.
Some days the best thing you can do for your child is ignore the bullshit.

Secondly our dc may come with a financial price tag but frankly so do lots of people. The drunk, the obese, the cancer stricken, the prematurely born etc etc.
Would you feel that my dc were a burden if he developed cancer?

Stop being silly.

You you are saving the country a fortune in caring for your dc.
And, fwiw I am happy to pay.
I would however appreciate it if you took care of yourself and accepted any support available.

Your position isn't about pride, it is about guilt. And your guilt is so over whelmingly misplaced it is hard to articulate how much so.

You are a smart, kind, articulate woman, a devoted carer and a generally top girl. Get a fricking grip.
You have helped me immensely. I will always be grateful to you for that.

[ouryve]

Peachy, at the risk of sounding a bit "me too" (though hopefully not as annoying as the TV thing) if you're likely to be entitled to it, apply for it. DH only having one pair of long trousers is not getting by financially. Use the P&C spaces, for goodness sake - they'll only get used by someone stopping off for ciggies otherwise (am pleased that our Sainsbobs moved theirs further away form the store, but provided a crossing and a path, all in a quieter area of the car park). They do generally make life easier and lead to fewer heart in mouth moments with unpredictable kids - which you have just as much as I do and even more than most parents.

If DS1 hadn't picked up on it, I'd have let jibes like you experienced go unheeded as far as the boys could see. The gits would have got one of my looks, though, before I walked on and maintained the appearance of being the better person.

[Peachy]

I am not ready practically to apply for DLA for ds4 even if we decided to, lots of appointments pending. I know where it's going but the waiting list ATM is shocking. So will promise to give it more thought whilst we accumulate all teh stuff that we will no doubt need for school one day.

I used to have a look; a killer one. I need to practise in the mirror I think.

[Tota1Xaos]

all this worthlessness/guilt talk - it's depression speaking. fuelled of course by the current acceptability of slagging off "scroungers".

In terms of the DLA - assuming diagnosis isn't imminent in next few months, I wouldn't hang around for diagnosis before applying if you have a sympathetic paed or other health professional who would sign the form.

[nickschick]

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?q=angry+face&hl=en&gbv=2&biw=1024&bih=525&tbm=isch&tbnid=V1x63mBoklLeuM:&imgrefurl=kevinwilliamjones.com/darleyblog/archive/2007/11/angry_face/&docid=rlv6LyoNqrbVzM&w=600&h=400&ei=bVpmToCeMIaN-wayy-2QCg&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=635&vpy=228&dur=184&hovh=183&hovw=275&tx=136&ty=163&page=2&tbnh=106&tbnw=150&start=8&ndsp=19&ved=1t:429,r:4,s:8" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">peachy as a baby

[nickschick]

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?q=furious+face&hl=en&biw=1024&bih=525&gbv=2&tbm=isch&tbnid=WVaGfHrpSmbupM:&imgrefurl=www.flickr.com/photos/42474867%40N03/&docid=5m3xrTHuupeduM&w=400&h=283&ei=_lpmTs2-DMmA-wb5l_D1CQ&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=121&vpy=222&dur=96&hovh=189&hovw=267&tx=131&ty=153&page=7&tbnh=105&tbnw=140&start=102&ndsp=21&ved=1t:429,r:14,s:102" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">she's warning you (im stopping now)

[talkingnonsense]

Peachy, can you claim everything you deserve- because you do deserve it. My bf has 4 dcs, 3 with asd. She is amazing, and if she was not there, their care would cost the country a fortune. You are doing a vital if low paid job. You are not a charity case. And you must take care of yourself, or 5 other people will suffer.
Is there anything practical mners could do? Do you need clothes etc for the dcs ( or just dh?!). Any dcs like postcards? Would love to help.

[Peachy]

Those are some scary babies!

We don;t havea Paed on anyone barring a very inexperienced SLT, we will, we'e been accepted, but there waiting list still ahd several months to run- it's almost a year now.

Everyone can see it but well, it's back to admin.T1X not sure it's clinical depression, am fed up atm with it all. This wait until tehy almost hit 3 then regress lark seems designed to take the piss to be frank.

talking thank you, boys would lvoe postcards but Dh and I are fine- he could ahve trousers but he prefers to do his carnival hobby, that's his call (and will probably end when teh 2013 cuts happen unless I can get work so best he enjoys it now)

[aldiwhore]

You didn't let your child down, you rose above a comment that wasn't worth responding to... I am pretty sure there's a point at which you WOULD step in and say something. You have to pick your battles.

As for not claiming for things, well YABU on one hand. If it could help, then accept the help. Though if you manage fine without that's fair enough.

Don't be a martry though.

[talkingnonsense]

Ok peachy, if you are happy to pm me your address and I'll send postcards! Promise I am a respectable miner and not an Internet trucker.

[talkingnonsense]

I am not a miner! I am a mner with an overactive autocorrect!