Aibu to think that if dh behaves like a lodger its not petty to treat him like one

[Greatthetoastisburned]

Brief background of important things is that dh and i have been together 12 years have 4 dcs all under 7 and i am pregnant with dc5 ( dcs 1-4 planned dc 5 not).
Dh works from home on the computer and has one of the upstairs rooms as an office this started about 2 years ago now when he suddenly wouldnt get out of bed crying lost his job then finally was diagnosed with depression, terrible time etc etc but things seem improved now.

Dh is in that room 7 days a week from the moment he wakes up until the moment he goes to bed, he gets up when he pleased, he goes to bed when he pleases. He says he works all that time, he does work hard but her clearly doesnt work 16 hours a day 7 days a week he plays games, watches films, works on personal projects etc for alot of that time just shut away on his own. He doesnt take part in any family activity if he absolutley has to he will drag himself into life for mabe half an hour he will go to the local shop for example to get bread or whatevr but thn its run straight bakc upstairs hide away. He is the sole wage earner he does provide for us financially although we are only on a pretty low income since he quit is job during the depression, he wont look after the children so me working is pretty much impossibe even of i wasnt now pregnant he isnt controlling or abusive in any way he just avoids us all at all costs. We were very happy until 2 years ago.

Depsite various attempts at talking etc (we never argue never have time!) he simply doesnt see this as a problem.He doesnt seem depressed anymore and even if he did he refuses to get any help so thats a no go. The latest issue is that despite the fact that dc5 was a contraception failure and clearly not planned on either side he behaved as though i had planned the whole thing and told me he wanted me to have an abortion despite knowing since day 1 of our relationship that i would not consider an abortion ever, i have never hidden this or pretended otherwise so i dont think i was unreasonable to say no.

Would i be unreasonable to start treating him like the lodger he clearly wants to be. Stop cooking for him, doing his cleaning, stop trying to involve him in things ( for example today was going to take the kids to the park i normally ask him if he woukd like to come perhaps i should just go and leave him in his room, he never comes anyway so whats the point in asking, also transfer the child benefit and tax credits to my account at the moment they go to his simply because it was easier that way but now im thinking perhaps i shoudk safegaurd some of that and tbh since our income has gone down this is (thank god ) quite a significant amount of money.

So treating him like a lodger aibu?

AM trying to think what I do when DHretreats to bedrrom PC world.

Nothing too much; maybe getting a boy to run up with a piece of cake or his favourite sweets. Nothing amssively intrusive but lets him know he is valued, that I think of him when out and about doing my routine.

Then I might take up a cup of tea for him and one for me, just sit and chat: stay as long as he is welcoming.

It's baby steps but it seems to work, gradually reintroducing contact into his life.

He has a hobby (DH) that costs too much in time and money but Ia ctively encourage it as it invovles contact with other people, scheduled times so he can know when he si due to be there, and a sesnse of responsibility to the rest of them 'team' which is a motivator for him. If he doesn;t do his bit nobody can so he does that.

And I have tried tot ake on a role in that too, not a massive one due to kids but I found something I enojoy and it helps.

peachy is very right about outside activities providing a balance against the stress, companionship and enjoyment, esp for blokes, we are similar.

The other thing about his hobby I think- well two otehr things- are that he enjoys it, which is a clear and simple bonus; but also that he can achieve within it. He does achieve within it. He gets respect there for what he can do that others cannot, and combined with fun that's positive.

Yes, mine used his skills and achieved significant things for the community, gained a lot of local respect. This was at the expense of family life because he chose that rather than children at the weekends, and that rather than me in evenings. I would still say benefits outweighed negatives: his sanity, social contacts, enhanced CV.

But in terms of OP, sounds like her DH needs a regular pub date, sport, whatever suits him. I didn't used to realise how mutually supportive men are.

If he won't even come out of the room to tak I think it's going to be difficult for the OP to put those ultimatums to him. Perhaps it will be necessary to email him and tell him that unless he goues to Relate with you/goes to seek medical help/works with you on a timetable for family involvement you'll have no option other than seeing a solicitor and instigating formal separation.

Incidentally, what would happen if you had a hobby where you went out now and again? Who looks after the children during ante natal appointments?

There is a lot of good advice on this thread. I just wanted to say that, while I agree he is not behaving as if he's mentally well, even if he were, working a 16 hour day is not an excuse for not acting like your partner. If I decided to work 16 hours a day, even if that were bringing in masses of money and even if I were working all that time (I think I'd be dead), my DH would, rightly, be fed up. A decision like that needs to involve both of you. He doesn't get to say his paid work gets him off the hook with all the other aspects of being a parent and being your partner.

LRD I quite agree and certainly both aprtners must get positives from a relationship regardless of any mitigating circs if a relationship is to continue but it's a common facet of mental illness that someone will beleive those around them are better off or happier without their company.

Which is hugely problematic as an obstacle.

The toerh thing worth reitrearting is that should it become more absusive no level of MH reasons amkes that OK. If he seeks and gets a proper medical sure then K give him another chance; but never, ever place yourself in danger for anyone no matter how much you love them or how ill they may be. If you are scared they will harm themselves if you go, even for a break, call the GP before you go and spell it out but never take risks.

eicos that soudns ahrd; luckily DH's hobby could be expanded so that two of our chidlren could attend and the younger when old enough (third too disabled but is happy with Nan)

Yes, his outside interest has benefitted us all and expanded the DCs' horizons too. I know a healthy balance is important, it's a question of getting OP's DH out of the study and back into a satisfying life. Toast's posts about PND, one step at a time, was so helpful for me too - thank you. I wonder what would suit him?

If he won't seek help or make any effort to engage with you, it's OK to bin him even if he does have MH issues. Because you matter too. Your life is worth more than tiptoeing around someone who has no interest in you or the DC and refuses to try to meet you half way.

That's true SGB once he ahs refused to seek medical help.

But well worth giving him the chance first, becuase MH does often remove one's ability to know that you need help, or indeed one's ability to ask for it.

From his reaction to the suggestion a lot can be sussed about his atitude to the amrriage and indeed his state of health.

Dh refused help at first; it ws everyone around him. I wish now I had moved out, only temporarily but just until he was able to see he needed those meds. I would if it happened again at that level absolutely. It doesn;t have to be all absolutes- there's a level between with and not with somone that gives protective space and allows the relationship to survive if it is meant to.