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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my sister's boyfriend what it would cost us to get him to propose to her?

50 replies

harrietthespook · 02/09/2011 15:35

I'd have to pay her to say yes too. Probably. This is the problem.

She's a bit of a commitment phobe. And I do understand. She has given me dozens of reasons over the years why getting married isn't a good idea. I asked her recently for one good reason to get married. She felt upset when I said that but I know it's not right for her. All of the blokes are GREAT, this is what's beggars, and want to be with her very much. The one she just broke up with is organising a weekend away for her to 'thank her for the lovely times.' I am totally serious.

Of course I don't want her to make a bad decision. I'm being entirely selfish.

I am an only child and DH's other sibling won't be having a family.

I get so sad sometimes thinking the girls aren't going to be having any cousins. We go away with othr friends with children and it's not that we don't enjoy it. I just do think: wouldn't it be lovely if this were DSIL and her husband and her children. And I feel really sad about it.

It doesn't EXACTLY help that I'm adopted either, in my home country without my DCs and DH and it's my birthday. I'm sitting here crying like a loon.

OP posts:

ViviPru · 02/09/2011 15:59

Its really nice that you care, I don't think you're being selfish but YABU. IME There's never a good reason to interfere in someone else's relationship however well meaning (obviously unless there is abuse involved - not suggesting that's anything to do with this situ - just stating a fact)

Original poster

harrietthespook · 02/09/2011 16:03

Oh Vivi I know this is all about me. I do know that. I just can't help wishing it is all.

I made the comment to her I mentioned in my original post about: what is a good reason to get married because I was actually genuinely interested in what she would say.

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Original poster

harrietthespook · 02/09/2011 16:06

Peanut - Friends 'go' though. My closest friend in England and the DDs godmother moved to Asia a few years ago and I miss her a lot too. Anothre set of good friends moved abroad last year as well.

Whoever said it was about the loneliness and feeling just genuinely shit.

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tethersend · 02/09/2011 16:13

Aw, harriet...

Is your mum ok?

Is this coming from the anxiety you're feeling about losing her? Sorry to make assumptions, but you mentioned that you were adopted; did you ever meet your birth family?

You do know that you can't force a shotgun wedding, don't you?

I find it really lonely bringing up DD sometimes and I have family in this country. Leave SIL alone.

Ephiny · 02/09/2011 16:18

I don't really get it. Do you want her to get married, or want her to have a child? You seem to be confusing the two things. And some people don't want to do either, and it's probably quite annoying for her having relatives going on about it or being 'sad' about her choices because she inconveniently refuses to produce cute little cousins to act out the perfect family scenario of your imagination.

I'm sorry you're feeling upset and lonely OP, I really am. I agree friends move away (I hardly have any in the same country now :() but so do family, and sometimes family members fall out with each other or don't get on. There are no guarantees ever, I would try to be grateful for the good friends that you do have, and that your DCs have each other.

Original poster

harrietthespook · 02/09/2011 16:20

tether - I haven't met birth family, no, but I do know who they are. I haven't made contact yet. And it does make me sad - siblings there, etc.

So thanks for 'getting' that part - I realise my post was confusing.

yes, I realise I can't do ANYTHING to force a wedding. I just think about friends that I have who do have siblings and siblings in law with family and most do enjoy that part of their lives and I feel regrets we don't have the same.

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Original poster

harrietthespook · 02/09/2011 16:22

Ephiny

We aren't 'going on about it' every time we see her. I do want to emphasize that. I am venting on MN, for sure.

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Ephiny · 02/09/2011 16:26

OK, glad to hear it. I just thought that because it sounded like she'd had to justify herself with respect to marriage several times to you over the years, and you said she was upset last time you brought it up. I wouldn't be surprised if she gets pressure from other family members (and all kinds of random people as well!) because that's often what people do!

Vent all you like on here though, that's what it's here for! :)

tethersend · 02/09/2011 16:30

BTW- SIL may get knocked up without getting married. I did

Original poster

harrietthespook · 02/09/2011 16:35

Ephiny - she brings it up. We don't bring it up. When I made that comment I mentioned in the OP she was running through it all again, all her reasons. So I finally just said to her: Why do you think ANYONE gets married? Do you think anyone has a GOOD reason - in an objective sense of the word. What is a 'good' reason anyway?

I normally wouldn't have been that direct about it. But she's been in this place a number of times before. So I wanted to understand what she was looking for in a bloke, if she knew what would be different and make her 'know.'

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Original poster

harrietthespook · 02/09/2011 16:36

tether: I can only dream! (NOTE: Joke.)

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ShoutyHamster · 02/09/2011 16:37

'Commitment-phobe' - or, in less perjorative language, a woman who has probably decided that raising a family isn't the way she wants to spend her life?

Sorry - I KNOW you are not serious :) - but, I think it would genuinely be a good move for you to -even in jest - not look down quite so much on the perfectly valid choices she is making!

Original poster

harrietthespook · 02/09/2011 16:45

shouty - She has bought a house with a bloke and then moved out three months later. This is one but definitely not the only example of things that have happened in the past. She opens discussions with me about why she does things like this- gets to a certain point with someone and then backs off. So this is what I mean about 'commitment phobic' - I have also said to her why did you feel like you had to buy that house in the first place. The discussion didn't go: Just STICK WITH HIM at all costs.

It's not that I don't support her decision not to get married.

I am being unreasonable and sad because I want a sister in law who is with a partner and has kids that we can do lovely things with though. Rose tinted glasses all the way.

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Original poster

harrietthespook · 02/09/2011 16:46

AND I AM POSTING ON MN BECAUSE I CAN"T SAY ALL OF THIS TO HER IN PERSON.

OKAY?!

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SouthernFriedTofu · 02/09/2011 16:47

Hope you're ok Op x

ViviPru · 02/09/2011 16:48

sorry if you've already covered this - has she ever mentioned her feelings toward having children, generally?

Original poster

harrietthespook · 02/09/2011 16:52

Doesn't want any.

The thing is, she then makes odd comments when she's had a few that make me think that it's a confidence issue. This is the current guy: "He won't introduce me to his famiy." Me:"That may well be a cultural thing and if you're giving him signs that you're not keen, he may not risk it as meeting the fmaily is rather significant [in his culture.]"

This thread is about me ranting. BUT thinking about it, perhaps there is some way I could help her, when she brings it up again, to feel more confident when she says she doesn't want to get married that she doesn't NEED to explain it. If you see what I mean.

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Ephiny · 02/09/2011 16:56

Oh I see - well if she keeps bringing up the subject herself, then that's a bit different. Maybe she isn't so sure after all about what she wants.

Even so, marriage doesn't necessarily mean children, and children don't necessarily require marriage, they are separate issues really.

All I can say really is try to focus on your own life and don't get too obsessed with what she does/doesn't do, or think of your happiness as being conditional on that. It's nice of you to be there to talk things through with her, but in the end she has to sort out for herself what she wants - don't get over-involved emotionally, especially if it's upsetting you, and you have your own problems to deal with at the moment.

ShoutyHamster · 02/09/2011 17:03

Sorry. I do see. I don't think you are being out of order in your concerns or comments by the sound of it then. A difficult issue to get across well in a thread, I think.

Hmmmmmmmmm I don't know.

'She opens discussions with me about why she does things like this- gets to a certain point with someone and then backs off.'

but what does she say during these conversations? As in, do you think that deep down she feels the problem is HER (in that she would like to settle etc. but something in her psyche is messing it up for her) OR do you think her issue is that the expectation on her to settle down doesn't really reflect her feelings (i.e. she buys house because she feels pressure to do what one should, then realises it's not for her and bolts?)

Two very different things. Sad for her if the real issue is that she lacks the confidence to have the courage of her convictions (i.e. 'back off freaksters, marriage ain't for me'), even sadder if you think that she would love marrriage and children but pushes commitment away as she feels unable or 'unworthy' (sorry can't think of a better word).

Are they all really lovely guys?

ViviPru · 02/09/2011 17:07

I wish I had someone who cared so much about my happiness as you do hers!

Original poster

harrietthespook · 02/09/2011 17:15

Shouty - yes, they are good blokes. Won't profile here but a combination of totally reasonable behaviour, good looking-ness, holding down jobs, yada.

Sometimes I think it's a uestion of her thinking on one level, He's not THE ONE.

What happens is she gets to a point with them and goes: "I'm bored now." This is actually a quote. We've tried to unpack this in the past with her and don't really get anywhere. I do wonder if she worries they're bored with HER.

Then I think, no she really just doesn't want to settle down, I hope she gets past it and accepts that.

The guy she bought the house with was "Uncle So and So" to my then one DD- I said to her no more Uncle So and So's until she's sure. So, it's not as if she hasn't been prepared to pay happily families too. She has respected this with the next two boyfriends.

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Original poster

harrietthespook · 02/09/2011 17:22

Vivi thanks. And also thanks to SouthernFried.

I can't work out what's going to make her happy. But watching this over the past 17 years I do feel able, I guess, to be more direct in my questions about what's going on for her when she brings it up. I just sitting there nodding going: yeah, he did seem a bit dull after a while. When it's bollocks.

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Original poster

harrietthespook · 02/09/2011 17:24

Sorry: Not just sitting there nodding.

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ViviPru · 02/09/2011 17:26

I empathise as your SiL sounds very similar to my female BF. Usually it doesn't bother me personally that much other than not liking to see her unhappy, but sometimes these people can be SO frustrating - like they're sabotaging their own happiness. I'm naturally reluctant to ever pass judgement on friends lives, but perhaps sometimes they need it. I'll be more direct from now on if you are :)

Original poster

harrietthespook · 02/09/2011 17:34

Vivi - "sabotaging their own happiness" I can relate to that feeling.

Can you be broody for nieces and nephews? Can you be broody for your very own sibling? This is how I actually feel at the moment. BROODY - not for more DCs but for an extended family.

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