To be put out that bride is upset no-one organised a hen night?

[ViviPru]

My BF (male) is getting married abroad. We're attending along with their parents and 2 other couples; the brides BF & partner and the groom's best man & partner. While the groom has been my best pal for years and years, I also consider the bride to be one of my closest friends and care a great deal about her.

The bride's just confessed to me that she's pretty upset that no-one has thought about organising a meal or something by way of a hen send off for her here in the UK. This has been sparked off by a close girlfriend of hers (not attending the wedding) asking when the hen-do is. The groom is having a traditional stag weekend - men only.

She didn't seem to be accusing me directly, but at the same time she never once said "of course its not YOUR responsibility"... I'm put out for several reasons:

1. She made a point a while ago of telling everyone she doesn't want any kind of traditional wild hen party. (clearly we all missed the subtext i.e. she wants a non-traditional calm hen party)
2. Previously, mention has been made of the 8 of us having a sort of stag/hen night out while abroad
3. Her BF seems to be off the hook as she's 'going through a lot at the moment' (err - who isn't?)
4. The wedding has been intentionally non-conventional from the off, so its a bit unreasonable to now expect people to observe convention.
5. Turns out the best man's partner DID suggest a meal out together for the girls but this wasn't met with great enthusiasm.
6. Ages ago I'd suggested a girly night in while the men are on the stag weekend but again this wasn't met with great enthusiasm either.

I'm upset that she's feeling so blue about it, and I can't help ruminating over it. The girlfriend-not-attending-the-wedding is now booking a meal out for all the brides female pals, but it all feels rather tokenistic now. I suspect that its all going to kick off if everyones true feelings are aired.

This isn't really a 'what should I do' thread I don't feel I need to do anything - I know I'm probably just looking for validation that I've not done anything wrong, but I'm also looking for ways to see the whole situation from the bride's perspective in order to handle it constructively. Ta much.

In a nutshell, my BF & fiancee decided on a romantic whim to have an overseas wedding. They never put huge pressure on people to attend but made clear it would mean a lot to them if we did, so a lot of wrangling over the decision ensued as its going to cost us between 2-3K all-told (to visit a place I've already been to and had no real desire to go again) and that's doing it on a strict budget. While we know they're really happy we're going, they've not once stopped to consider/appreciate the huge financial sacrifices that us and the other 2 couples are making, and actively delight in their good fortune that by planning their wedding this way, its actually costing them much less than a traditional UK wedding

Ironically, one of the reasons I'm not married yet is lack of finances and this wedding has actually put that back considerably too.

I thought once I'd made the decision to attend and booked the flights, I'd feel better about the whole thing, and I am looking forward to it, but I'm unashamedly using the AIBU board as useful way to vent the inevitable frustrations that I feel I really mustn't take out on the couple, Mr VP, fellow motorists, kind old ladies in the street etc etc. And you know what - its working!

That's good then, ViviPru! Keep it up, Protect the Kind Old Ladies!

after the wedding? at this rate I'll be logging on during the ceremony itself.

oo now there's a good idea! Let us know when, I'll be here

one of the reasons I'm not married yet is lack of finances

Registry office hon... same result, none of the drama :)

Ah I see. That us an absolutely crazy amount of money. I hope u can enjoy it when you're there though. Ur Bf must appreciate it hopefully even if his fiancé doesn't seem to much.

How much time have you got to whip something up and pretend it was a surprise? Meet up at relatively geographically central location which has a cheapish spa? You sound like you could do with a relaxing spa day

hah thanks, I've certainly considered it, Helltotheno, but I should also have said that one of the other reasons I'm not married yet is that after attending said 1037 weddings, I'm holding out until I can throw the mother of all knees-ups. And its not necessarily going to be expensive, but it's certainly not going to be soon what with OverseasWeddingGate haemorrhaging the piggybank

oooh thats a new take, fraktious - I like the gentle duplicity of the pretend surprise "duh silly, we'd had it planned ALL along!!"

Without knowing all the back story, it sounds like your bf has quite a few close mates who are willing to put themselves out and spend lots of money to attend his wedding and the bride is maybe feeling that she doesn't have many friends who would make that effort just for her rather than for her and her fiance. Sound like she is maybe a little envious of the closeness that results in people spending lots of money to support him and she wishes her female friends had made a gesture to show they are there for her rather than her as part of the couple.

Of course she is being U, because you have offered events and she has lacked enthusiasm. Perhaps she has conveniently forgotten that or felt that she was an afterthought. It's hard being friends with a couple, because you are always friends with one of them first and are closer to one of them.

None of this is your fault though. Fact is, she is your friend via her fiance and so it is not really your responsibility to organise this stuff.

If she does go into full bridezilla mode, I would be tempted to gently remind her of the sacrifices people are making to be at her wedding. Sometimes people need to hear the truth.

very very helpful take, kb

The only snag is that you offered things and she refused them so you don't have a date/opportunity and if you now try to pin her down for a date she's going to smell a very big rat.

Plus the friend asking is a bit of a giveaway, unless you lie through your teeth and say you forgot to invite her. Do you know her?

Get your BF on board and ask him to ask her to keep a date free?

TBH, having been the one with the scratch hen do (my own fault, rush wedding and I mostly had to organise it myself and the bits I left to other people didn't go to plan anyway...), I'm torn between you organising a surprise one (I'd be really touched if someone had for me) and worrying it would be a bit half-arsed and flat.

Yeah that's pretty much the dilemma, F, also bride's got a 6 month old DD so it was struggle enough for the girlfriend-who's-not-attending-the-wedding to pin her down to commit to a date at this short notice for the tokenistic meal. I'll just focus my energies on spreading some magic that night - my first thought when I accepted the invitation was right - now I need to organise a fun how-well-do-you-know-your-groom game etc etc. I'm over it. You lot have confirmed I'm NBU. That's enough for me.

OR (stroke of genius) tell her that you're going to do something special afterwards as she wanted to be so non-traditional.

I bet you she hasn't looked beyond her wedding...