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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this competitive nature DP shows towards me is unhealthy?

33 replies

TrainingJedi · 02/09/2011 07:46

So I posted a few weeks ago regarding the fact that DP is always whinging that he's never being able to take his DD abroad and seems kind of pissed off/jealous that I go abroad with my kids. The reason he never gets there is because he's terrible with money and never make an effort to save yet when it comes to the summer holidays it's everyone elses fault IYSWIM?

So yesterday I found a great deal going to Turkey for next year and booked it. Nothing too posh, 4 star hotel, good location, all inc. He keeps asking me if I've booked a holiday and when he asked last night I told him we were going to turkey. He immediately panicked and went online to find a holiday for himself and his DD. He came up with one going to Grouve (crete) for £800 all inclusive and told me to have a look. The hotel was AWFUL, looked over a main road, it had terrible reviews, only one bed in the room meaning he's either have to share with a 15 year old girl or one would have to sleep on the sofa all week and the pictures other guests had taken showed mouldy bathrooms, sewer problems, rowdy guests and mucky beds. I told him the truth that I couldn't be paid to go there. So he panic-booked a self catering 7 day holiday to Sissi instead.

To do this he's having to stop paying off his credit card (he's already been bankrupt once and was only just starting to build back up his credit rating) and take his 15 year old out of school. So in 15 years he couldn't manage to take her anywhere yet he can suddenly manage it in one day when he realises I've booked somewhere??

AIBU to think his desperation to compete with me is a little weird and worrying?? Or is it good that he's finally managed to book something? (despite the circumstances Hmm )

OP posts:
ZillionChocolate · 02/09/2011 07:49

Why are you with him exactly?

LaurieFairyCake · 02/09/2011 07:55

Won't she have gcses?

He's a numpty. But at least he's got all year to pay for it and save up.

Original poster
TrainingJedi · 02/09/2011 07:57

Zillion, I find myself asking that more and more lately.

Laurie, yes she'll have mock exams, he says he's checked the dates and they're ok but it needs to be paid off by April as well as a trip to the Olympics for her (school) that he's already committed to that he said he was going to struggle paying for).

OP posts:
Squitten · 02/09/2011 08:00

If you want to hang out with the guy and are content to continue putting up with his nonsense, that's fine. But if you were to commit any further to a man who is such an idiot and clearly a financial car crash, then YOU would be a fool...

Personally, I wouldn't waste any more time and move on

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/09/2011 08:05

You don't go on holiday together? ....

Original poster
TrainingJedi · 02/09/2011 08:13

No we don't holiday together because he'll never make an effort to save up and I know full well if I booked something for all of us it would be me that ended up paying for the two of them as well as me and my own kids. It seems the only time he has the motivation to commit to a holiday is when he's pushed to it through jealousy/competition.

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 02/09/2011 08:17

It just sounds like a rubbish relationship and a big waste of your time really. What exactly do you get out of being with him?

BaronessOrczy · 02/09/2011 08:18

Relationships aren't about competition.

I recall your previous post too - what on earth are you doing with this man? What benefits are you getting from being with him? He doesn't sound like a catch, tbh.

Personally, I'd walk away.

(As an aside, what values do you think it's teaching your child to see you put up with this? I don't mean that in a harsh way, but it all seems very odd)

ImperialBlether · 02/09/2011 08:25

I remember your previous thread - I couldn't understand why you were with him.

OP, he really sounds awful. Please, please tell him to take a running jump.

overmydeadbody · 02/09/2011 08:25

Yes his compatative nature is unhealthy.

What are you doing with him anyway? Doesn't sound like much of a catch. Most couples holiday together, if he can pay for a self catering holiday for him and his DD couldn't he just pay to come along to your holiday?

LoveBeingIgnoredByMardyBra · 02/09/2011 08:27

Oh no, I remember your last thread. Really what is attractive about this man as a partner. The relationship isn't heading anywhere serious is it? He will go bankrupt again.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/09/2011 08:31

Then he's more just a boyfriend than a 'P'? It all seems very separate lives stuff... and I don't blame you for being hesitant about rowing your lot in with him. However, maybe you're the one setting up the competition by booking holidays you know he can't match or afford? Couldn't you have all gone for something cheaper nearer to home where he could participate/contribute without feeling inadequate or embarrassed?

Original poster
TrainingJedi · 02/09/2011 08:36

Cogito, we did consider all going to Greece together last year. We discussed it in the January with a view to booking May. We agreed we would save up a deposit. By February I had £200 saved up. I asked how much he had, he said "Nothing yet". By March I had £400 saved up. I asked how much he had, he said "about the same as you". By April I had saved up my £500 as we agreed - I asked if he had his £500 so we could put down the deposit on something. He gave me a string of excuses which basically told me he hadn't saved a penny. Thought more of buying takeaways, xboxes and new designer phones for his DD.

I'm sorry but I'm sick of being held back by other people. I took my £500 that I'd saved and used it for me and my kids. I'm not doing it deliberately but he has had every chance to holiday, he just prefers his take-aways.

OP posts:
MollieO · 02/09/2011 08:45

I love threads like these. It reminds me of the positives for being single Grin

What does having a relationship with this man add to your life in a positive way? I haven't read your other thread but this one alone would be enough to think enough's enough where he is concerned.

overmydeadbody · 02/09/2011 08:45

why don't you leave him Training?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/09/2011 08:47

If he's not making efforts to pay off a CC it's unrealistic to expect him to save up for a holiday. Obviously he's got problems with prioritising spending, is lazy (takeaways) and goes for impulse purchases last-minute. There a few choices with someone like that... you either carry on leading separate lives, keeping your finances entirely separate and let them sink or swim on their own... or you commit to the relationship on the proviso that you take charge of their money for them 100% and keep them on a tight leash (hard work)... or you split up and call it a day.

Original poster
TrainingJedi · 02/09/2011 08:48

I know I will inevitably end up finishing it. I suppose I'm just waiting for the right moment. Relationships shouldn't be this hard and to be fair, he doesn't bring anything positive to my life. Just frustration and annoyance.

OP posts:
MollieO · 02/09/2011 08:54

Waiting for the right moment? What does that mean? If he adds nothing and has such a negative influence in you life I'd reckon that conversation is a pretty easy one to have. How long have you been dating him?

LoveBeingIgnoredByMardyBra · 02/09/2011 09:19

I think this is the perfect moment

TheProvincialLady · 02/09/2011 11:09

Yes, this is an excellent moment. You could say to him "Your attitude towards money and competitiveness over this holiday has highlighted a number of concerns I have had for a long time now, so we are over."

slavetofilofax · 02/09/2011 11:20

He sounds like an arse. If I was the Mother of this child, I wouldn't let him even ask for permission to take the dd out of school at that time. SO his money would be wasted. He is being very selfish by booking a holiday then, and the fact that he has obviously only done it because you have is even worse. No consideration for his dd's education at all.

I think that's a good enough reason to split with him if you think you are going to anyway. Do his dd and her Mum a favour, as he might cancel the holiday anyway when he doesn't have you to compete with.

Ephiny · 02/09/2011 11:21

Surely it's possible to have a much nicer holiday than that, for £800 for two people, it sounds an awful choice! Not that he should be spending so much on a holiday anyway if he's got a fair amount of debt to pay off.

It does sound a bit of an odd relationship if you don't mind me saying, you won't go on holiday together as a family, you keep your finances separate (not that I blame you in this particular case!) and resent paying anything for him/his daughter, and it doesn't sound like you even get on well with him, or like or respect him very much.

tryingtoleave · 02/09/2011 11:48

Surely a dp is someone you live with and holiday with?

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 02/09/2011 12:17

Am I the only one who wants to know where you found your great deal to Turkey?! Grin

As for your boyfriend, he sounds pathetically insecure and competitive to me. Can you really imagine putting up with that long term? You say it'll probably end anyway, so what's making you put it off?

FigsAndWine · 02/09/2011 12:17

Training I read your other thread and was thinking that the relationship is not going anywhere, and nor does it have anywhere to go. I think that even more after reading this. I think that you absolutely know it too, which is why you've posted on her twice looking for a kick up the bum some encouragement to end it.

You are solvent, careful with money, able and willing to save, and rate deferred gratification; tightening your belt now in order to take your DD on a lovely holiday.

He is a bankrupt, already in debt again and not paying off his credit cards, incapable of saving or tightening his belt financially, and prefers takeaways and instant gratification purchases over saving and planning for a holiday.

Is this someone you want to throw your lot in with long term? Would you live with him, combine your finances with him? If you did, do you think the relationship would work, with you saving and him squandering?

I think the answers to those are no, no, and no. So what are you waiting for?

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