to have told my bridesmaid I didn't want to do what she had got planned for my hen night?

[MrsRupertBear]

Just in need of some advice really. I got married just over 18 months ago and my close friend (who was also my chief bridesmaid) kindly offered to organise me a suprise hen do. I was a little wary at first (as me and my friend have drifted apart over the years) but accepted, as I could see it was something that she was eager to do and I was grateful for her help.

However, two weeks before the hen weekend, I recieved a phone call from my chief bridesmaid saying that some of the party were being akward and that they had told her that the things she was planning to do, was things that I had told them in the past I would hate to do. She then went on to tell me what she had planned, which ended with me doing a long pause over the phone. I didn't want to sound ungrateful but I got upset and told her that it wasn't what I wanted - far from it. I didn't even feel I could go along with it to keep the peace. She was upset herself because of all the time and effort she had put into organising it but said she still had not made any payments for things, if I wanted to change things and sort out the hen night myself. I felt really bad but really just did not want to go where she had planned to take me and do things she had planned to do.

Anyway, I did end up sorting an alternative night out but when I told my friend, she was really funny with me and said she wasn't sure if she could come (even though it all cost the same) and she need to think about it. This upset me, as I thought it would be nice for her to be there being my chief bridesmaid but thought fair enough. She eventually decided she was coming with two other of her own friends (not mine) and stopped in a differnt hotel, as she said that the one I had booked was too expensive. She came but looked as though she didnt want to be there. She sat down all night compalining her feet were hurting and never really joined in with anything over the weekend. if anything, I felt like I was being bitched about to her friends all night. When I called her the next day to meet for a late breakfast and shopping, she said she had left over an hour ago to go home.

When we all got home I was really upset but still left it, because I didnt want to cause friction so close to the wedding. However, I started recieving text messages saying how much i had upset her. I apologised again but told her that I was now getting upset and stressed with how she had respnded to things and explained again that it was my hen night and I really wouldn't have pulled the plug on what she had got planned if I really didn't want to go. She in a-round-about manner told me that she wasn't sure she could be my bridesmaid to which my response was if we didnt sort this out now, it would be the end of our friendship.

Anyway to cut a very long story short. We had the day, she was very supportive but 3 nights ago, the whole thing kicked off again because of me going on a hen night with the person who told her I didnt want to do what she had planned. She got really upset and told me how she disliked all of my friends and that i had upset her that much back then that I had driven her to smoke. So really what I want to know is was I being unreasonable, as I am getting really upset with the whole situation now. Thanks and sorry for thelong post.

I have organised two, one weekend in a cottage, pole dance lesson and stripper etc one smaller do, meal and optional clubbing. In both instances there were a few minor surprises for the brides but the general plans were closely run past the hen and vetos (of which there were a few) were absolutely fine. If when presented with the plan either had vetoed the whole thing I would have been mortified but to be honest more embarrassed that I'd screwed it up.

It sounds like your friend has taken this massively to heart but is being unreasonable long after the event, which is just diva behaviour.

I didn't want to sound ungrateful but I got upset and told her that it wasn't what I wanted - far from it.
I don't think you should have to have a hen party you wouldn't enjoy, but i think whether YABU or not depends on how you told her that you didn't want to do it. She had put time and effort into organising a surprise that she thought you'd all enjoy. You said you did a long pause and "got upset" on the phone at her plans though. Must admit i would be hurt if this was how someone reacted after I'd gone to a lot of effort, although I wouldn't if they just said "I'm really sorry and thanks for putting time and effort into organising this, but i don't think it's something I would enjoy." etc.

She sounds a total PITA and very self-obsessed, just let the friendship fizzle out - though if she keeps on texting you or ringing up and whining, tell her to piss off.

Tell her to fuck off.

Thanks for all your advice. I have come to the conclusion that unfortunately, we are just not going to be able to work this out . On reflection, I think I should have communicated with her more, about what I wanted. I am well known for being a bit of a people pleaser and going along with things and now I think I should have been more blunt about what I wanted to avoid confusion. I am just really hurt about how she reacted.
Gwen - Although I did give an initial long pause, I did apologise straight away and the only reason I got so upset was because I knew I had hurt her feelings, which is what I felt really bad about. However when she aked if I wanted to do it, I had to tell her I didn't want to do what she had planned, as I knew that once she had paid I couldn't pull out and wouldn't have!

What is it with Hen nights and Stag parties these days?!

My friend had a bust up over hers too as her bitch of a Maid of Honour ruined it.

The whole point of the parties historically is your last night of freedom before coupledom but the overwhelming majority of the time, the couples are already living together at the time they married and may even have children. They already are committed couples.

Just get bloody married and forget these stupid costly parties.

She sounds like a bitch btw so yanbu. It was your day, not hers.

The bit which jumped out at me was that she said that 'you made her smoke' . Talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel.

I think that she should have communicated more clearly with you and asked you about the kind of hen night you wanted. Of course she may have felt a bit hurt/disappointed that you didn't like her plans, but she then should have dropped the issue.

Very relieved to have got married/gone to most of my friends' weddings before this excessive stag do/hen do trend started.

I think tbh you should have made it clear from the start what sort of hen night you wanted. Once this whole thing goes too far, you can't salvage a friendship.

I've been on the receiving end of this; when a friend was getting married some years ago, she complained she had no-one to organise her hen night (one bridesmaid lived o/s, the other was v v quiet and wouldn't go on a hen night let alone organise one). So another friend and I put some ideas together and emailed details to her, so she had final say. Bride was always v keen on clubs, dancing etc so made sure that would be a part of the 'do'.

A couple of days later, we got an email from the best man's wife announcing the hen do would be at a v expensive spa costing £££s. Because of course in the preceding 6 months since meeting her DH to be, the bride had reinvented herself from avid clubber to dinner party hostess. Spas not really my cup of tea, and the cost was huge, much more than I'd spend on a weekend partying.

So I told the bride i wouldn't be going, and she called me a selfish bitch

I did go to her wedding (olive branch and all that) but that was the last time I spoke to her. Especially as I heard shortly after the wedding she referred to me as a slut, and my only interests were drinking and pulling men . I have written her off as a self centred cow, and frankly if I never speak to her again it will be too soon!

You said that "two weeks before the hen weekend, I recieved a phone call from my chief bridesmaid saying that some of the party were being awkward and that they had told her that the things she was planning to do, was things that I had told them in the past I would hate to do."

So really there was no need for her to put you in that position. Other friends had already advised her that her plans were inappropriate, so why did she pursue it with you? You have nothing whatsoever to apologise for.

TBH I think once she organised the hen night you should have gone. I mean maybe it wasn't going to be 'your sort of thing' but I'm sure that surrounded by your friends you'd have had a good time. I went on a hen night not long ago were I new the bride wasn't the type to want much fuss but on the coach on the way to her destination her bridesmaid produced a veil, L-plates - the lot. But she smiled and put them on because she didn't want to hurt her friends feelings who had clearly gone to a lot of trouble. She ended up having a brilliant time.
Having said all that it seems clear that your friend isn't going to forgive and/or forget so it looks like you both need to move on.

yanbu.. i got married in april, i didnt want a hen night, i told everyone i didnt want a hen night, i have 2 small children that ive not left yet and dont want to, they arranged a hen night, i told them to have fun and didnt go (i told them i wasnt)