to expect the grandparents to WANT to spend time with their grandchildren

[peekmum]

Okay, so here's the deal. My mother-in-law moved to Spain with her new husband two years ago (whilrwind romance after 6 month - another story blah de blah de blah). To date none of her three other children have visited as none hold passports (I know!!!!) . This is our fourth visit. We stayed for two weeks in a separate apartment in the same development as them. We invited my dad (the other grandad) to come out for five of those days. The 'Spanish' grandparents then decide to go away for those five days as they felt put out that it wasn't an exclusive arrangement and we didn't 'ask' them for permission for him to come.

Angry, upset, disappointed for hubby, my dad, kids. 'Spanish' grandmother has had to make a bit of a Sophie's choice as it was an ultimatum laid down by her new man but to reach no compromise has astounded me. As an adult, my lovely hubby has done nothing but support his mum for years since the death of her first husband and his dad nearly 30 years ago and to snub him, my children and my dad like this has left me livid!

The last two days it was the elephant in the room when they returned.

Didn´t OP invite her own father?

MILs ex is no longer alive?

OP-in a way I can see why they were annoyed at your father coming also-but it was dealt with atrociously!

I don't understand why the MIL is getting so much sympathy and understanding here.

She has a voice doesn't she? She could use that voice to make it known that it was important to her to spend time wit her child and her granchild couldn't she? She chose not to. She chose to put her selfish arse of a husband before her child and grandchild. She really doesn't deserve any sympathy as far as I'm concerned.

And why is it rude that OP took her Father on the holiday? They paid for their own accommodation, maybe her Dad helped pay for that, and people only have a limited amount of time off work. Why should the MIL get all of that just because she chose to move abroad? She sounds as selfish as her dh to me.

It was the op's father not the MIL's ex, he died.

Hobson's choice btw... :)

Perhaps the MIL and her husband also took 2 weeks off work to see their relatives (they may only be in their 50s) and when they realised that their son was planning to have a visitor for part of the stay decided it was a good reason to go somewhere else they fancied going on their holiday.
Maybe expecting MIL to hover around her son and his family for 2 weeks even when her son chooses to have visitors MIL possibly doesn't know was a bit unreasonable. MIL and her husband still spent alot of time with them.

I don't understand why the OP's husbands stepfather got more upset about this than his wife though, as it sounds as though he doesn't really know any of them, but perhaps he found 2 weeks with a family he doesn't know well a bit too long and was keen to escape for a few days when he found that he wasn't expected to entertain the OP's family for the whole fortnight as they had a visitor.
I don't feel sorry for MIL though, if she didn't want to go with her husband she could have told him to go alone.
I don't see why the grandparents spending 9/14 days with their grandchildren implies they don't want to spend time with them either.
Everyone seems to be being overly melodramatic about this and I suspect 2 weeks was too long for them all to be together as the son and his mother were the only 2 who really knew each other.
It's a shame it couldn't have been discussed before you left rather than ignoring it as an elephant.

Thank you for all the comments and discussion. To be clear about a couple of points, ref: Sophie's Choice, clearly it's not on the same scale and was used to say, MIL was effectively forced to choose between her DH and DS - not a good position to be in.

It was last minute. DH asked me if I'd like to invite dad as I wouldn't have assumed visiting his family that would be appropriate so given he made the suggestion I naturally said yes - as we were staying in our own place and it was only a few days.

Whilst I understand tha initial reaction of jealousy/insecurity/naffed off as wanted us to be there with DGC exclusively I think taking yourself off to another part of Spain was a bit extreme. Okay, perhaps making yourself a bit scarce during his stay fair enough. We have been together 17 years, my dad has stayed with MIL on two or three occassions (while at events in London) prior to her OH coming on the scene - they know each other reasonably well.

And, in terms of time spent, they get back, we see MIL for 20 mins. The following day they go out all day and go out with my OH and DGC in the evening for a few hours. Last day was a good day with four hours on the beach then evening out.

The first few days all we had with them were mornings on the beach effectively. They also babysat for literally two hours one night as they like to be in bed by 11. Given they said they wanted to get to know the children it was always on their terms on the whole.

Feelings have subsided now away from Spain. I think given we made a huge effort and expnse to have our family holiday with them we were disappointed that they didn't make more effort to be involved with us and the children. I think I epxected a 'let's all muck in togther' approach but actually it was we have our space and you have yours and let's just share a bit of a time together.

Madamdeathstare - both really. I was mad at them taking off for 6 days and still am but equally the time we had with them I would have expected more from them as OH and I were left feeling surprised, a bit hurt and disappointed by their lack of involvement.

I can understand them not wanting to babysit after 11, I like to be in bed by 11 and babysitting time when kids are asleep isn't quality time with anyone just tedious. If you only asked them to babysit on 1 night then they could have put themselves out a bit though.
It's a shame they didn't want to spend all day with you sometimes. Was the problem that you wanted to spend all day on the beach? I couldn't manage more than a few hours on a beach, but would then suggest doing something else, depends on how old the kids are though, much easier to have interesting activities with older kids.
Was your husband upset by their attitude? If grandchildren are tiny then I would have thought your visit to them was more about your husband catching up with his mum and chatting to her rather than her seeing the grandchildren. When my kids are older I'm sure I would miss them and want to see them more than any children they have as it is them I have the long bond with, although I would still want to see grandchildren.
Did you not have any evenings when you all had a meal together and chatted once the kids were in bed and you could relax?

I would just extend an open visit to you next and leave the ball in their court.

Sorry-meant to say open invitation.

"my dad has stayed with MIL on two or three occassions (while at events in London) prior to her OH coming on the scene"

hmmm just a thought, but.....
could there maybe be a bit of jealousy about your dad and MIL, as well as not being the only grandad in the village?

Overreaction though. They should have just lumped it and we'd have all told your MIL she was NBU had she done a thread afterwards. But disappearing like that is rude.

"They also babysat for literally two hours one night as they like to be in bed by 11. Given they said they wanted to get to know the children it was always on their terms on the whole"

It was the word 'literally' that made me question your post again, OP. Why was your MIL babysitting at all? Surely you would have spent whatever time together you had, together?

And surely, as adults, you and your DH didn't need to be 'pacified' and made up to when your MIL returned?

I hate the word 'entitled', it's overused on this board, but you seem to think you're entitled to something OP and you're unable to put yourself in your MIL's shoes, clearly.