to keep BIL at a good distance from new baby and I, or am I being petty? (LONG SORRY)

[notanumptyalways]

A regular but have name changed and may keep this name from now on.

My DH is a lovely man but has the most awful brother. His brother is older than him and competes with him and is a very jealous and false person. The problem started almost two years ago when DH's parents made it clear to BIL that they did not like his long term GF. It seems comparisons were drawn between myself and this GF to illustrate why they didn't like her (obviously I fell into their good books). DH and I actually stuck up for BIL's GF as we felt DH's parents were being quite harsh in their judgements.

BIL from then has made it his mission to make me some sort of evil character in the eyes of his parents. He has lied about me to the extent that my FIL thinks I have been married before and that this fact is kept as some seedy little secret I had a long term partner for 4 years whom I lived with and somehow this has turned into a past marriage I have kept secret (the most recent and most shocking incident) and I am only 25!

BIL's actions really are that shocking.

DH and I have been dealing with this type of behaviour for so long and it has escalated so much to the extent that I have decided to remove myself from having close dealings with his family permanently. This kind of thing is something I could not imagine happening in my own family and sometimes I am beyond myself in disbelief.

It started off as a gradual thing with BIL telling MIL that I have been rude to his GF when she has been to visit the family, and then that I encourage my DH to get into fights (not true at all and very upsetting) to the etremity that it has now reached (aforementioned lie that I may have been married before) with a mountain of other little things inbetween. DH has obviously been very angry and it has caused a massive rift between himself and his sibling.

The problem is that BIL's behaviour has been so subtle and going on for so long that It has actually caused my MIL and FIL to wonder if what he is saying is true (I don't think anyone would believe their child would make this kind of stuff up). They then ask DH who gets very angry, withdraws from his family and ends up in an argument with his brother. This makes me appear like a source of negativity in their family and it turns into a sort of self fulfilling prophecy.

I know this is all very Jeremy Kyle but that is the thing that I find the most shocking. This is a fully grown man in his mid twenties who must be educated enough (he has a degree so I take this as a sign of some form of intelligence) to know his own actions. I just never thought a person could behave like this unless they were some sort of unhinged socio-path.

Well I am due to have my first baby in a month and have decided that due to the stress and ongoing problems DH and i have had to endure over the last two years, I will not have BIL around me or my new baby. I don't think I could mentally cope with him and I just feel disgusted by him being around my child. Of course he is the baby's uncle and I will not sever my child's ties with her family, but when it comes to BIL, I cannot even stomach the thought of him holding my baby or playing the dutiful uncle. I also don't want him around me full stop.

I have told DH today about how I feel but I am worried about seeming petty as this truly stems from a feeling of disgust and distress rather than wanting to punish anyone. DH is very much a keep the peace person and I don't want this affecting my child's relationship with his side of the family, but It is just BIL I find so horrendous a person that I don't want him around as I feel It would sully my memories of my time with my first baby.

Sorry if my post is a little confusing, the whole situation baffles even me

You really shouldn't have to show proof but I think you should too, then ask for an apology. Dh should as well as he would know if you had been married before as it would come out when you got married so they are calling him a liar too

The more I read this the more I am coming to the conclusion that it's your DH who has screwed up here (and is continung to do so).

You say he's upset at what's been happening and is supportive of you etc. - but he's not. He's symathetic to you - and then acts the way his parents want things to be when he's with them.

I'll say it again - if this is ever going to get sorted out, he does not have the option to behave like this. It's his brother and his parents. This simply wouldn't have got to this pitch if he had got as angry as he should have done, a long time ago, and let rip at his brother - 'How fucking dare you treat my wife, my family, like this... if you want a relationship with us and our kids you'd better bloody apologise, wind your neck in and grow up - if you've got issues with how mum and dad think of (your GF) - then sort it out with them.' Etc. But he can't or won't do that and so here you are.

You too though. This:

'I just don't want to make life harder for DH and for people to hassle him about my actions, or give BIL an actual reason to talk about me to the extended family.'

• simply isn't an option open to you either. It's his brother making life harder for your DH, not you. If you are going to stop standing up for yourself in order to let your DH continue pretending that a bad situation is ok, you are in for a long, long life of having BIL shit all over you.

So:

'One of the issues we have had for instance is BIL telling PIL's that I control my DH and that I 'wear the pants in the relationship'. This has been thrown in DH's face during arguments and I can just imagine comments like 'why do you let her treat your brother this way?' or 'why are you letting her decide if your brother can see the baby?'.'

• Well, your DH's answer to THAT should of course be - 'No, it's not her deciding, it's both of us. I don't want him around my baby either, because he treats my wife like crap. Neither of us trust him to be a good uncle OR to treat our family with respect.'

If he's really not stepping up to the issues and saying these kind of things, then I'm sorry but your problem really lies closer to home. And that's not just in terms of sticking up for you - he really should, right now, have BIG misgivings about allowing his brother 'in' to potentially treat his child badly.

I think you should carry on showing your DH this thread. You see, what your BIL is doing is only partly about you. It's far more about your DH, and how, as you so rightly observe, he is pissed off with your DH for (as he sees it) overtaking him. So, he's putting your DH and his marriage/family in its place - stirring up a bit of trouble, trying to take the shine off the pregnancy and birth by putting the focus elsewhere (how fucking horrible!), trying to create the impression that your relationship is a less than good one. Utterly, calculatedly nasty - and a good indicator of how insecure, needy and jealous of his brother he is. Your DH should be putting a big, big distance between the two of them for his own sake. His brother isn't a good brother to him, not at all. He needs to see that first and foremost. Oh, and you need to sit down with PIL, and forget this smoothing over crap - it is serious - and as the parents of this baby you need to make it clear that you are done with BIL, for everyone's sake. Show them the marriage certificate (as others have said, not that it should even matter if you HAD been married before! - say that too!), make it CLEAR how angry and hurt you are, and that your JOINT decision is that you think it's best for all that you have no further contact with BIL.

If your DH doesn't agree, HE needs to really think about why, and what he thinks is now most important to him now that he is about to be a father.

Like the others I'd get GP know they are welcome I'd even extend the invite to the BIl's GF, she's don't nothing wrong and it would show that you have nothing against her, exposing another lie, but you wont tolerate the BIL.

DH needs to grow and pair and tell his brother a few home truths.

Like another poster I dont understand why its a problem if you have been married before? Its a part of your past if you were so it doesnt need to be discussed with in laws!
I was married before and got with DH at 25, its not a dirty secret, im not ashamed, it just isnt discussed, the odd person knows but its not common knowledge.
As for BIL I wouldnt have him in your house, but what about at family gatherings, would be sad for your LO to miss out on things in the future as you dont want to see BIL.
I agree that DH needs to grow a pair and confront his brother.

keep this awful man away from your baby!

And shame on your inlays for not dealing with this pathetic behaviour - shocking

Please use this as a way to tell them exactly WHY your bil is not welcome I'm yor house, your life and around your baby

Please stand up for yourself and say you will not tolerate someone spreading rumours and telling lies about you - YOU need to take control as nip this in the bud NOW. No more smoothing things over, no more being nice - get your balls out and say NO MORE! You dont have to be impolite or bitch you just need to say you wont tolerate this behaviour anymore

Please do this

dont mean to hijack but dp (and I use that term loosley just now) has demanded his brother see our daughter. Ive felt pressured into agreeing to once a month and no more. If he screws up hes out. I am actually shaking each day as I think of it and am truly losing it. Dp doesnt understand and Im sure he thinks Im putting it on. I feel sick to the stomach.