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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit teary today over the fact that 3 years on, im still single.

46 replies

onefishswam · 01/09/2011 16:14

Its rather pathetic.
Just brought to a head by yet another internet date disappearing a day before our date.

I never thought when i seperated that i would be single for so long. Before anyone jumps in and says ' get hobbies, be happy on your own, or other cliches' i ususally am happy, i have a mostly full life, but bloody hell, i miss mattering to someone. I miss sex or any kind of affection.

I dont know what to do about it, i go out, maybe about twice a month, but its not anywhere where men seem to talk to strangers - ie meal out, or cinema. Everyone is in couples, i know no single people. I dont come into day to day contact with any males what so ever.

Im just at an absolute loss. Its my birthday next week and im another year older and i just feel that time is passing and the chances of ever meeting anyone get less and less and i feel sad for the time ive spent on my own.

blubs and stuffs chocolate in face

OP posts:

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 01/09/2011 20:55

onefishswam I could have written your post almost word for word, we're in such similar situation. I've been single for over five years , and although I'm resigned to it happy with it most of the time, I sometimes think it would be nice to meet someone. I'm very independent though, and am convinced I give off a kind of 'I don't need anyone' vibe .

I've tried internet dating before but it didn't work out, and I can't afford to re-join. The blokes at work are either way younger than me, gay or already attached. My friends are all married - I hardly see them as they're all wrapped up in their families, let alone go on a night out with them. I literally don't know any single people.

It's my birthday next week too (Tuesday). I'm taking the day off work but not sure why I've bothered as I'll spend it alone while DS is at school. Like you, I feel time is ticking and I'll be growing old on my own.

So while I don't have any constructive advice, I just wanted to say I know how you feel.

Happy birthday to us both!

anothermum92 · 01/09/2011 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

toptramp · 01/09/2011 22:01

Don't let age put you off. Plenty of younger men love older women!

redwineformethanks · 01/09/2011 22:08

My aunt met her second husband online. I think that's worth another look, but I wouldn't spend too much time chatting online with people, as I think that doesn't get you anywhere. Better to try to meet them, in a safe place obviously

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 01/09/2011 22:08

I personally don't want a younger man though toptramp. I'm a grown woman with a DS. I want a man, not a boy.

missymarmite · 01/09/2011 22:17

I sympathise, OP. I've been separated from xh for 6 years, and had a couple of internet instigated long distance relationships, the last one ended over a year ago. I've found internet dating doesn't really work. There are very few intelligent, kind, funny, single men in rural Devon. Plenty of uneducated yokels. I don't go out often, I don't meet single men, and I don't attract attention.

I don't have the answer. Most of the time I am ok about it, but sometimes I feel like the only single woman in the world. It's so lonely. I think I will remain single until DS (8) is older and I have more freedom and money to socialise. By then I will be too old for any more children, and that fills me with sadness.

I hate it when people say things like; "it will happen when you least expect it/when you aren't looking" or "just be happy as you are" etc... I wish I could do those things. How can you force yourself to feel a certain way? I want to feel like that. I want to be happy as I am. But I can't stop my feelings.

It also doesn't help when people (such as my step-mum, who never married until she met my dad in her 40s, and therfore never had kids) say "look at me, I never thought I'd find someone, but I did finally when I was ancient 45/55/65. Great! So I have to wait for decades then! Doesn't make me feel better.

All I can say is; you aren't alone, you aren't the only one.

aquashiv · 01/09/2011 22:26

If its any consolation I absolutely bloody loved being single. Honestly, being in a couple is bloody hard work. Don't go thinking having someone to share it all is all its cracked up to be.

Make the most of your life before you get tied down again.

piratecat · 01/09/2011 22:34

op,

just to say, i understand completely. it's 6 years or me, and i never thought it would be this long. done internet dating, and like you i rarely come into any contact with men. small town etc...

i am generally ok, but now and again feel really sad i can't share that special love and it is a bit lonely at times. It was ok after 2, 3 yrs but now i feel like omg, what i i never do love someone or am loved again.

I try to believe it will happen when i least expect it, yet thats harder to keep as a mantra the longer it goes on.

I sometimes think moving might help, as i live in a rural town, but then wonder if thats the real answer, and that it would only disrupt my child's life.

i have been thinking today that positive thinking, is the way to go. it's all i've got and would be better than negative thinking. you should join me in trying our best to think' hey universe i want and need a great relationship'
worth a shot?!

Hatesponge · 01/09/2011 22:50

The age thing - I don't know how old the OP is - for me in late 30s, I think the younger men thing is a bit of a red herring. From my POV - yes, I can (apparently) attract men in their 20s. But I don't want a man I have to financially support. I don't want someone who was in nursery school when Kurt Cobain died. Our points of reference would be totally different. Plus I'd like to have another baby, although I'm acutely aware time is running out for that. I'd need someone ready to settle down, in my experience men in their 20s are not. Fine for something fun, no strings etc, but not a relationship.

I'm not sure how much where you live plays a part. Living in the London suburbs, my experience of single men my age is that they are in the main, at best fussy, at worst seriously deluded. So there might be more men around, but the chances of success are probably no different!

One of my friends wants me to move to Liverpool (her neck of the woods). She is convinced I will be snapped up in days Give me another fallow 6 months and I may consider it.....

PrimaBallerina · 01/09/2011 23:14

I was single for about 4 years before I met DH. Actually I already knew him but I'd never thought about us getting together. I loved it and still mourn the loss of living alone but I absolutely remember feeling lonely, especially after a couple of years. As you say, you start to worry it will never happen.

I don't personally like the idea of the Internet but it's what all the kids are doing. If I'd stayed on my own much longer I'm sure I'd have given it a go.

Some posters on here have suggested they have some kind of check list of suitability - university educated etc. I really think this is a mistake (and marmite, uneducated does not mean unintelligent!). Be open minded about who you go out with.

Try to relax and celebrate your birthday with lovely presents to yourself (how I miss doing that...). And ask yourself who you know that NEVER met anyone ever again and stayed alone for eternity. No? You won't either .

AmIthatbad · 01/09/2011 23:37

I'm another one that wanted to say to the OP - i can't offer you any advice, but know how you feel. Have posted on a couple of other threads along the same lines. 7 years for me, no interest from anyone in that time, and I absolutely hate being single. I have read all the comments about joining clubs, internet dating, etc, but none of that worked for me. And I have actually given up and not even bothered looking for the last year - and guess what - still nothing. I've forced myself to go to various things, including weddings, and have enjoyed myself, right up to the time when I have realised that a) I'm the only female buying drinks at the bar and b) I'm the only one sitting down while all the couples are up slow dancing. Awful feeling, just awful. And this must be the birthday month!!!! it's my birthday in 3 weeks, and all I really, really wanted was someone to even make me breakfast, or a cup of tea when I come home from work. That would be a real birthday treat for me. Anyway, there seems to be loads of us!! girliefriend that would be a great thread to start:) And OP - you are not pathetic :)

elastamum · 01/09/2011 23:53

OP YANBU. I was single for nearly 4 yrs after ex left me. Am 47 and felt mostly invisible to the opposite sex. then I was lucky enough to meet my BF online and am very happy. He is a bit older than me and didnt really expect to meet anyone special either.

One thing i have noticed though is that as a couple suddenly we are getting lots of invites to dinner from people I know who NEVER invited me out when I was on my own and could have done with the company. I think that is

BTW Sponge, congratulations on the weight loss, that is amazing!!!

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 01/09/2011 23:54

I'm late 30's too hatesponge, in fact it's my big birthday next year, so I've kind of accepted now that I'll most likely never have any more children.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 01/09/2011 23:58

Funny you should say that elastamum, but I've actually had the hideous experience of friends arranging a cosy couples night right in front of me, completely ignoring me as though I wasn't there. It's as though you're not a valid person in your own right unless you are half of a couple. Fucks me right off, tbh.

ItsTimeToBurnThisDiscoDown · 02/09/2011 00:11

Just wanted to say I tried Internet dating after trying and failing to meet someone through the usual channels (no single men at work, pubs/clubs they were either off their heads or only after a quick shag, no mates with single friends etc). I did meet a couple of idiots and a few that were nice but not right, and was just about to give up when I met my husband. We've been married for 2 years (together for 7) and have a 5 week old baby. While I'm sure it's not for everyone, it worked for us so just wanted to share with you, basically don't give up! And you're not pathetic at all,

ItsTimeToBurnThisDiscoDown · 02/09/2011 00:12

Please don't beat yourself up about feeling down.

(stupid iPhone posting before I was ready!)

Hatesponge · 02/09/2011 00:22

softkitty my big birthday next year too. I know another baby probably won't happen but oddly seem to feel the chances of it happening (if I can find a man) are actually better than the chances of finsing a man in the first place. which I'm aware makes no sense

Life's actually a bit shit really, look at all us wonderful single women. I can't think of any single men in their 30s who are even just about ok (even in that he seems nice enough but don't fancy him) sort of way.

elasta thanks! There is still much more weight to lose, I am a large 14 at present. But I will get there eventually! and good to hear all still going well with you and BF :)

Original poster

onefishswam · 02/09/2011 12:01

its nice to know im not the only one.
Im not sure younger men are for me either. Im 34. The other month i went out with a 30 year old. He was lovely and all, we had a bit of a snog and that was it. I could not have a relationship with him. He lives at home, rides a bmx in his spare time and spends most weekends drunk in pubs.
While thats fun, thats not a relationship i want, its not really going to fit in with the rest of my life.

The man i thought disappeared has come back, so maybe i jumped the gun. We are still going out tomorrow night. We shall see. I dont expect it will go anywhere, but you cant give up trying.. can you.

Also, i was thinking yesterday, to those that say ' be happy as you are'. That i AM happy. And ive been in a long long relationship 10yrs plus, and i know how hard it can be. But its still a very different mindset to be in, to know that you have someone there for you and you are not totally on your own. I think thats what i miss.

OP posts:

PrimaBallerina · 02/09/2011 13:28

30 is not too young for a 34 year old (me too). He probably lives at home because it's tough to buy your own place and spends his time drinking and biking because he's single! It doesn't mean that wouldn't adjust if he got serious with someone.

I LIKE the sound of BMX guy. Snogtastic...

anothermum92 · 02/09/2011 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Maggie1973 · 02/09/2011 21:44

I've been single for nearly six years so know where you're coming from. I am happy being single, but it would be nice sometimes to have some male company. My best advice is to keep busy, go out with your mates/colleagues and just enjoy life. Mr Right will turn up eventually, well that's what i keep telling myself

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