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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be really worried I don't spend enough time engaged with my children?

53 replies

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 31/08/2011 21:35

Our days over the summer have tended to go like this: (DC are 3 and 1)

Get up, children play while I sort breakfast.
Eat breakfast while I pack lunchboxes
Get washed, dressed and out the door.

Spend all morning and early afternoon at the park/museum/zoo etc etc etc. I feel that I spend most of the time keeping youngest safe, stopping them running off etc, pretty much hoovering.... etc

Then its home for more play whilst I cook dinner.
All eat, then about an 1/2 hour of me tidying up and children playing.

Finally 1/2 hour cuddles, stories before bathtime then stories and bed.

It has occured to be today that I spend all my time clearing up, or supervising as opposed to 'play with' not sure if I am spending enough quality time in 1:1 sitautions playing with them IYSWIM???

TBH this is slightly a reaction to discovering that a friends 3 year old can read (I mean really read!) after she has done 20mins flash card work with him every day since he was 5 months.......

WDYT?

OP posts:

HipHopOpotomus · 31/08/2011 22:22

I reckon we have the majority of our lives to read and write so why rush kids into it? Personally I think doing what you are doing is fab, and it is engaging.

My days are often similar and I
Know how you feel. I think it is because we are so ON when out and about, mind whirling, staying focused on so many things, there is little time for reflection during the day. It can feel like a blur by the end of it . You're doing great!

bonkers20 · 31/08/2011 22:22

I bet flashcard child would rather be at the zoo!

You take your children out, you read with them and give them cuddles, you cook for them, keep the house tidy. Sounds like you're doing a grand job!

If they're happy then don't change what you're doing!

I am always tidying - we have a small house and I would be very grumpy Mummy and no good to man nor beast or toddler if I don't retain some sort of hold on it all.

tiddlerslate · 31/08/2011 22:32

I worry about the same things too with the cleaning. I've seen though this summer that now the DC's are a bit older they really want to play with each other or other kids and not with me!

naturalbaby · 31/08/2011 22:40

i'm feeling exactly like this today too, and was thinking about posting a similar thread! my 3yr old starts nursery next week and i'm gutted it's the end of his time at home with me so have been thinking about what i've done with his 3yrs... we go out almost every day so i can't do any housework when we're out but i still feel like i spend most of the day doing housework/nappies/entertaining screaming baby.
i was wondering how/when i would do all the tidying/cleaning if i had to go out to work?! i keep thinking i should stop, do the basics and spend time with them but by the time they're all settled it's gone 8pm, then we sort ourselves out (paperwork etc) then it's time for bed.

Chipsycheese · 31/08/2011 22:59

Does anyone else agree but also feel like their house is never truly tidy despite this constant tidying situation?!
You really do sound like a great mum. I am sure your kids are happy and have enjoyed the summer holidays.

Original poster

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 31/08/2011 23:01

naturalbaby totally feel the same re nursery. I also keep thinking that this time next year, we wont have any days during the week together as he will be starting school :(
I think juggling baby and a toddler is so hard as they tend to either fight or want to do different games, so even when we are playing together, I still feel like I am not fully giving each one my attention. I also feel that my 3 year old dips out as his baby brother screams to be on my hip all the time or when he is playing and I am getting on, he keeps getting so cross with his toys (frustrated baby stage etc) so my attention again goes to him.....perhaps he knows this!

OP posts:

Original poster

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 31/08/2011 23:03

YES Chipsycheese!!! I stayed up so late last night cleaning, and today.....well I may have gone to bed last night, it looks a tip again! Grrrrrrr

OP posts:

lecce · 31/08/2011 23:12

I have been on the verge of posting this for the last few weeks so thank you! Ds1 has been asking to stay in and play with toys but, having said that, he always has a great time whenever we get where we were going - just never wants to leave the house!

I long for the summer holidays and dream of mooching around the house but then in reality I get really antsy unless I have a plan to get out of the house for the day. Next week I will be back at work wishing I was hanging around the house again...

naturalbaby · 31/08/2011 23:29

i have a screaming baby that wants to be on my hip all day too. poor 3yr old just wants to read books and play card games, and gets so excited at 1min of a proper activity with me, then i have to say 'i'm really sorry, baby is screaming/pooing/hungry again' and stop. meanwhile i have a 2yr old somewhere getting up to more mischief than i can possibly imagine.

i must also confess....i have a cleaner. only once a fortnight (and on holiday this week) but within 1/2hr of being home after she's left it's a bomb site again.

BunnyWunny · 31/08/2011 23:39

just think of all the wasted time that poor poor 3 year old has done on boring flashcards in order to be able to read- your kids will have had a much more varied and interesting time and will learn to read much quicker in the long term and be far more interested in it when the time comes.

kiwimumof2boys · 01/09/2011 05:35

I'm guessing the 3 year old has memorised books rather than actual reading - thats what my 3 year DS has done (Not that I admit to that when he's reading a whole book from memory in company . . . )
Personally i don't get the whole flashcard thing at all for 5 month olds ? I'm not sure they can understand stuff like that at that age.
Or maybe i'm a slack mother. i don't know.

Anyway, you do sound like a great mum, from what i can gather you are a teacher ? so I'm sure your kids are getting a lot of education and info from you too.

TheBride · 01/09/2011 05:42

If you think about it, when we were kids (in the 70's in my case) there were no flashcards, there was no Baby Einstein, most children learnt to read at school, and mums spent a lot of time elbow deep in the twin tubs. There were still a lot of very bright, engaged, creative children from that generation.

You sound like you're doing a lot, and children need space (IMO) to just play, think, read, doodle by themselves.

CheerfulYank · 01/09/2011 05:44

Honestly I don't play with my DS much. I adore him and tell him I love him probably several times a day, and hug and kiss and cuddle him. I read books to him and am good for the occasional art project, but DH is the parent who really gets down and plays . I'm just not the go-to person for pretending to be a pirate or whatever. It used to worry me, but I think it's fine. I'm his mama, not his best buddy. I love him and take care of him and he knows it, and that's what matters.

Oh, and flashcards at five months is silly. They'll all catch up eventually.

kirsty75005 · 01/09/2011 08:44

Flashcards from 5 months? I think your friend is insane.

Seriously, I saw a long and what seemed to be a very well researched article in the NYT on these kinds of hothousing of kids a few months back. Two things stuck in my mind:

studies comparing children who read at very early ages compared with children who read at a "normal" age (ie not late developers) found no difference in reading ability later on. moreover, the children who had read early were on average less likely to read for pleasure later.
according to specialists, true reading (ie where the child makes the links of sounds to letters and deciphers the word using this coding) is impossible for all but a tiny percentage of three year old. Most of the kids who are "reading" at that age have in fact memorised the shapes of lots of different words, which whilst it's is good for them, isn't in any sense the same skill as adult reading, more like saying "cat" when you see a hieroglyphic of a cat, and doesn't particularly help with the transition to adult reading.

porcamiseria · 01/09/2011 08:53

me too! and my kids are same age, and I feel the same, always cooking/cleaning/tidying, have same guilt too

but you sound like a good mum and why do loads of stuff

if you feel that bad try and do 20 mins one to one reading a day

MilaMae · 01/09/2011 09:01

Being a mum isn't all about 1:1 playing which is something previous mums never did as they had far less labour saving devices than we had.

Being a mum is all about cuddling,feeding,clothing,protecting,providing stimulating activities(not doing them for them) and providing a happy secure environment. Sounds as if you're ticking all the boxes to me.

SardineQueen · 01/09/2011 09:19

naturalbaby "i was wondering how/when i would do all the tidying/cleaning if i had to go out to work?!"

Thing is if you were at work then the children wouldn't be at home and there wouldn't be anyone there making a mess!

I also feel a bit sorry for flashcard baby, although 20 mins a day isn't the end of the world I guess..

OP you sound like a great mum, you do loads more than me, and my kids are cheerful, so yours must be super-happy!

naturalbaby · 01/09/2011 13:50

true. but when i did work pre-kids i could still fill a day cleaning and tidying the house!

my 3yr old has been read certain books so many times he can 'read' it almost word for word but i know he's just repeating phrases he has learnt to go with each page.

have made an effort and played a bit more with my kids today. i then strapped baby to my back to go play with them in the garden and they came in to plonk themselves on the sofa! charming.

changeforthebetter · 01/09/2011 14:00

Flashcards from 5 months? Seriously? Stark raving bonkers!

You sound like a great mum (maybe a bit harried). I make my kids entertain themselves in the house or garden so I can MN which is good for their creativity . Kids do need to be bored as well, so they can devise ways of entertaining themselves.

Your flashcard friend is barking btw DD1 could recite the story from some of her little books from about three but didn't learn to read until well over 5 and struggled for some time to get to grips with it.

My gentle suggestion would be spend less time with Flashcard Friend

BaronessBomburst · 01/09/2011 14:10

TheBride They did have flashcards in the 70's. DM was obsessed with the bloody things and taught me to read using them. That was in 1972. She's still obsessed with them now and asks on a weekly basis if I'm using them with DS yet. He's 18 months and likes running, climbing, and throwing things.

Original poster

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 01/09/2011 22:30

Thank you so much everyone. Feel so much better now. Today the 3 of us went out in a peddelo, shared an ice cream (funds are tight now we are at the end of the hols :) ) and built a train track so long it went all round the kitchen and into the living room!

No flash cards in sight

Sadly the early mornings and nursery/school all starts again tomorrow :(

On the plus side it's just 7 weeks before half term!

OP posts:

TenMinutesLate · 02/09/2011 01:18

Sounds pretty much like our Summer.....although I went through my diary and made a list of all the places we'd been to, people we saw and things we'd done as my DS1 commented that I was always very busy and had no time to colour in.........................No time to colour in?!!!! So we went through the list and now she wants to make a picture about all the things we've done...honesty this has done me more good than the kids, they've had a brilliant Summer, and i'm exhausted and sick to the back teeth of packing everything from sun cream to rainmacs everytime we left the house....job done I'd say :-)

SpeedyGonzalez · 02/09/2011 01:31

marypoppins, do NOT use flashcards as a gauge of how good a mother you are!

Apart from that I could have written your post

I actually think it makes a huge difference to spend a focused 30 mins or so every day on your children. I've heard this from parents of much older kids, and I think that if in the long term you want to have a relationship of closeness and mutual respect, now is the time to start.

So you have inspired me. As of tomorrow, I shall give both my children 30 mins of focused mummy time.

PercyPigPie · 02/09/2011 21:42

Your friend has ishooos I'd say. DC couldn't read a word at school and are now all doing really well. I'd rather show them a tree in the park than sit at home teaching to read the word 'tree'.

messalina · 02/09/2011 21:47

Your friend sounds --nauseating-- very enterprising. She needs to get a life. Your day sounds fairly typical. I love nothing more than a spot of washing up to avoid doing another sodding puzzle...I work FT...

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