To begin to hate my DH? Warning long post!

[littlepiglet]

I'm pregnant so it could be hormones (though I'm sure it's not).

I just feel so crap about myself, and a lot of it is his doing.

We've been married 22 months, and whilst at first it was great, the passion seems to have worn off, to such an extent that I just don't see any point to us.

We have a 14 month old (as well as the forthcoming baby), and I know that it's unreasonable to expect things to remain as charged & exciting as the beginning, but I didn't expect it to fade to indifference.

I've been really tired, so I take some blame (was severely anaemic, which I'd already guessed), but still, I do have desires.

I've talked to him time & again, telling him I need to come to bed earlier, telling him I want a bit of spontaneity, but still he comes to bed after midnight, and tries a few furtive caresses, when I'm just not in the mood anymore.

I've tried seducing him. It worked two weeks ago, when he agreed to pause viewing a programme & come upstairs - and it felt great. But he never returns the compliment, and to be honest I feel so damn hideous that I don't want to try anymore... in fact I now tthink I'm trying to avoid sex, as it feels clumsy, awkward, like he's just doing it because he's horny, not because he's into me, and that makes me feel like shit.

I've told him so many times that I miss him reaching for my hand when we're in the car, to which he just replies that I could reach for his - so I do, but on days I don't he still doesn't reach for mine.

I'll be perfectly honest, if I wasn't pregnant, and if some bloke I found attractive propositioned me, I think I may accept, I can't live a life of companionship and boring, late night sex... I just can't. And sadly, in about two months, sex will be off the agenda for quite a while, and I don't want us to drift further apart.

Last night I went up to bed, and hoped he'd come - nope, instead he came up after having "a quick fag" which turned into 45 minutes, so I was asleep... I then woke to find him watching porn.

I'm sick of crying myself to sleep every night. I'm pissed off that he accepts blowjobs, but won't go down on me (even though he used to profess how much he loved it).

He used to have a fuck buddy before we met, and I honestly don't know how she differed to me; all we do is live in the same house & occasionally have a crap shag!

mummymccar - you haven't upset me.

The ex issue has always played on my thoughts, when he first told me, he said it was his ex's idea, and he hated it. At the time I let it go, realising that it was in the past, before me, so therefore I had no reason to question it - or even have an opinion.

The thing that's brought it up is the lack of sex (or just plain intimacy). I'm not dumb enough to believe that a red-blooded male is going for ages without getting his jollies somewhere - I'm not talking about with another, I mean either with porn, or cybersexing (when he has a ciggy he goes outside with his laptop - which is fingerprint protected, so I haven't a hope in hell of knowing what the hell he's up to). I'm not against masturbation at all... I'm not demanding all sexual release must be mutual, but when the masturbation becomes exclusive of a mutual sex-life, then I think you realise that it's over.

The thing that brought the threesome into thought again, was when he brought up which of my female friends I'd like to lick - the idea just made me sick... but to ask me he had to be thinking of them naked! And I hate that!

I'm not a naive young girl, I'm 41 ffs! Yet him saying things like that (therefore making me wonder if it's a little fantasy of his) has brought it to a head again. I've never been this insecure before.

For those who may say fantasies are fine - they're not! Not unless they stay in the head, or would never happen. The fact that he's slept with his ex wife's friend, means the boundaries between fantasy & reality have been blurred, therefore saying something about my friends, is bound to make me question his motives, and make me think of him as nothing but a sleazy perv!

you say "but still, I do have desires."

but then say "he's just doing it because he's horny"

whats the diff?

you are being unreasonable and doubly so for blaming it on being preggers (my bugbear!!!!)

I really think you'd be better off in 'relationships'.

Is there a different way you could explain how you feel to him?

How about "We don't seem to be married in any sense but legally, so I'll get the divorce rolling. Now fuck off, there's a dear."

The difference is I still want to do it when we were before, he does it after he's been on his laptop for hours & wants to go to bed.... he has to look at porn before he'll go to bed with me - hell of a difference.

Cross-posted with your last, piglet :)

Oh, WELL DONE!!!!

Hard. But well done

off not of.

Yes, well, that'd be good!

I just know, from experience, that you can talk and talk and talk and at the end of it all - you haven't communicated. You think you have, but the other person hasn't 'got' what you are saying. And you say it again, in the same way. And again, in the same way and you get nowhere, because you have to stop, rethink, and put it in a totally different way. Let go of your assumptions about what the other person must think, feel, know or understand, and communicate.

That said, I think he's an arse, as I said. And we all know why someone takes cock pictures.

I disagree with those that think this has got anything to do with sex, despite the OP talking about sex ime, penis into vagina has got nothing to do with anything. It's all about emotions.

So the pictures of his Dick where taken when you where in hospital having ur dd, and he thinks you would appreciate seeing these pictures?
Yeah right Like hell where those photos meant for you.

To be fair he did send me one of them, not an erect one.

I found them on Valentine's Day, and he will not admit to anything other than they were for me (9 months down the road . They weren't on his phone, but on his digital camera (guess that makes no difference huh?).

It's caused no end of arguments between us, he hates my "paranoia" over it, but in a way I'd have preferred it if he'd been honest - whatever that was, then we'd have talked it through... lying about it, trying to partonise me, gaslight me, makes it worse, as not only has he destroyed my trust, but he's also made me out to be a paranoid bitch fool!

TheMagnificentBathykolpian yes I agree - it is about emotions - you're absolutely right, making love/sex is part of those, which separate a loving relationship from just a friendship, but still part of an emotional relationship.

lol imagine if it was the pregnant woman who was being pestered all the time for sex, he would still be in the wrong

PMSL!

I'll add another male perspective...
Contrary to Malifience's view that only complete arseholes with issues go off sex, quite a few of us do in fact find the pregnancies of our partners a difficult concept from a sexual perspective. Maybe I am in fact an arsehole, but I definitely did... - I loved her to death, but really didn't feel like sleeping with her. The fact that there are going to be two kids really pretty close together may not help either...
Likewise, 3somes (previously) and sharing fantasies are not something to necessarily get stressed about - just tell him which ones you appreciate and can get into, and which ones you can't...

BUT - not having sex with you is one thing, not appreciating you, being affectionate, continuing to tell you he loves you and trying to explain his feelings (issues?) to you etc is another and would indicate something deeper behind his reluctance.

Similarly I doubt any man takes 20 (?) pictures of his cock and then forgets to send them to someone...
And unless he literally can't get the ring on his finger, then that's another indication of something more generically awry...

Good luck, hope it works out

I know I should be more constructive but after everything you have said about your DH I am starting to hate him too.

He also never gets up to deal with your child? Is he a good father? Does he do his share of housework? What are his redeeming features? Do you have great conversations and shared aspirations?

If he really is providing nothing, and giving nothing to the relationship I would want to leave unless all those things turned around.

My DH had a period right at the end of my first pregnancy where he no longer could have sex with me although he tried (last three months or so) and this pregnancy I feel too much like a whale to want to make love. I think that it is understandable that libido might reduce but everything else that your DH is doing and not doing is just horrid. It just doesn't sound like you have a loving relationship.

I know everything will pick up again for me because I know we love each other and this is a blip but you don't have anything in your relationship to build trust on.

not having sex with you is one thing, not appreciating you, being affectionate, continuing to tell you he loves you and trying to explain his feelings (issues?) to you etc is another and would indicate something deeper behind his reluctance.

YES! yes yes yes yes yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

in a way I'd have preferred it if he'd been honest

Sure "Yes, Piglet, I spent many hours getting the right lighting and rubbing my cock to just the right degree of hardness, took 30MB of close-ups of it and uploaded them to a sex encounters website. I wanted a group of girls for a gangbang, but I've only had the wrong sort of replies. Come and help me re-write my profile."

Are you actually expcting this wazzock to change, piglet?

Better to quit before you have the baby. Sort out a nice little family, just you and DC, then recalibrate your twat radar.

piglet

I watched my best friend, a SAHD, deal with his wife's affair. I'm not saying your DP is because I don't know anything other than this thread, but the one thing that drove my mate to depression and medication was not just the affair, but the denial, the ridiculous excuses and the accusations that actually it was him who was being paranoid and nutty, which he started to believe. All in the face of emerging evidence, emails, trips that didn't make sense, unexplained mileage on the car. He really didn't want to believe the worst. To me it was obvious.

I think these are standard articles of an affair. As are new underwear, a sudden upping of personal grooming, phone calls being terminated when you enter the room, and general weird stuff that makes no sense etc etc.

If there is an affair, the trust ( the one thing you really really need ) has long gone and I wouldn't expect anything but denial up until it's impossible to deny.

Who knows what he's up to. Least of all me, some random bloke on the internet.

But believe in yourself. Talk all this over with your best friend. Stay calm and measured. Trust your instinct and gut feelings because they are likely to be correct. And if your worst instincts are confirmed. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Your H is behaving just like mine did. Except I didn't know about the porn until after we'd separated. Ashe hid it all very well. His fantasy's did become reality, he had an affair with a 21 year old family friend. He too behaved just like yours when I was pregnant both time, we also had ours close together. By the time my son was 4 weeks old the affair was in full swing but I didn't know it at the time. But this should be about you, not my story. But I really would try talking to him like TheMagnificentBathykolpian suggests. But his behaviour is sending alarm bells

"but the denial, the ridiculous excuses and the accusations that actually it was him who was being paranoid and nutty, which he started to believe." Mine ExH did that. I only discovered it was called gaslighting after spending lots of time on the relationship topic area on here and is very common

Argh terrible typos Typing fast whilst keeping an ear out for my two dcs.

What a fabulous post, MrGin.

I feel for you Piglet, I really do, especially as you are pregnant. If it were not for the other circumstances I would have thought that your problem could be worked through together and eventually solved. But as there seem to be lots of other factors (penis pics, laptop use when you're in bed) I think it will be much harder to work on. I know it would not be something I'd be putting up with at 41 years of age. He clearly needs to grow up.

I feel for you piglet, my H seems to have issues when i am pg too. Last time, DD is 16 months, i found out 2 weeks before she was born that he was using porn heavily, had fake facebook accounts and had been having cyber sex ( found similar pics to you but on computer), he apologised i forgave him.

I am pg again 16 weeks and H is not being very affectionate and last night when we had sex he couldnt ejaculate (sorry tmi) and we had this problem last week to. I hate it t makes me feel like shit and i was awake at 4 this morning crying my eyes out because of it.

Sorry this isnt about me but you are not alone and i hope things get better for you. Yanbu.