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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think I am just wasting my time, energy and emotion with this girl?

62 replies

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 31/08/2011 10:34

Long story I?m afraid so bear with me ? probably just need to get it off my chest tbh. Had been ?best friends? with this girl for about 6 or 7 years. She?s always been quite emotional and needy but on the flip side was very generous with her time and emotions and very supportive during a lot of crises ? which was reciprocated by me. About 3 years ago she and her boyfriend broke up and she accused me of having an affair with him. This was not true. I had become friendly with him and he had become quite overfriendly with me, to the point of texting me and asking me out for drinks etc. Nothing ever happened with him; I was not attracted to him and although he pursued me quite vigorously, it never came to anything. The pursuing happened after he had broken up with her and although I have to admit I was flattered by the attention, I never ever let anything happen. She refused to believe this because a mutual friend of her and her ex stirred things up, saying that something had. We spent a few months not talking, but eventually had a big conversation about it and moved on. Fast forward to a year or so ago. I became unexpectedly pregnant. From the moment I told her about it, she became distant and unresponsive. Later she blamed this on me, saying that I blew hot and cold throughout our entire friendship which she was constantly forgiving me for, and that I was not supportive of her when she was moving house, which happened to coincide with me discovering my pregnancy. This culminated in some pretty horrific text messages from her telling me that I was full of poison, she?d never trusted me and to fuck off out of her life. I was 2 months pregnant, very sick and full of hormones. You can imagine how this made me feel. Luckily I had a wonderful supportive DP (now DH) but because of this girl, ended up with no friends as she pretty much guilt tripped most of our mutual friends into no longer being friendly with me. A few months ago another mutual friend started talking to me again and admitted that they had both been jealous of my pregnancy and that was probably the reason this girl was being like she was. I have seen the girl on a number of occasions since all this happened and she has completely ignored me, to the point where both my DH and I have said hello very politely and she has literally turned her back on us. The last time this happened was this past weekend, and I confronted her about it, saying ?Seriously, are you not even going to say hello?? It took me several tries before she even acknowledged it, upon which she whirled on me and snapped, ?When you can admit what you?ve done and apologise for it, then we?ll talk.? And stomped off. She has it in her head that all those years ago I did something with this exboyfriend of hers (who is now married to someone completely different) and that I need to face up to it and apologise. How can I apologise for something I haven?t done? I accept that our friendship is over but don?t understand why she can?t at least be civil and acknowledge me. AIBU to expect her to do this? So sorry this is so long, but thanks for reading this far! Also, please be gentle as this is my first AIBU post.

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WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 31/08/2011 15:40

Yeah. They all appreared to just believe it. As a lot were people I had met through her they were more her friends then mine anyway I suppose so were more likely to believe her. I couldn't even really approach them as they were always with her. There was nothing I could do. I realised later that all the people we had met together (we were at college together) had been keen to be friends with me and would suddenly turn. That was when I realised she had been badmouthing me for years and lost me a lot of potential friendship, hence why all my friends were her friends.

I have had nothing to do with her for years now but still occassionally see her and some of the others. It still cuts deep that they think they things they do about me. I often wonder if they have since seen her true colours. Who knows.

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 31/08/2011 15:56

Indeed. I like to think that our mutual friends will one day pick up that I've never said a bad word about her whilst she has continually insulted me, even to the point that when my DD was born, she was asking a mutual friend if she (DD) was ugly! Luckily DD is the most beautiful baby in the world :)

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OTheHugeRaveningWolef · 31/08/2011 16:00

I've just read the bit where you said she was badmouthing you all the way through college.

Why in the name of suffering fuck would you even consider trying to mend fences with someone who'd been that poisonous to you for that long????? Confused

I'm very glad you've decided that she is a cuntychops and can fuck off.

Birdsgottafly · 31/08/2011 16:13

"I guess I do just hate people having issues with me".

There is nothing you can do to change these sorts of people. Get over this now or you are in for a tough time once your child is at school/going to clubs etc.

tiddleypompom · 31/08/2011 16:16

cuntychops.

(just wanted to say it)

mynewpassion · 31/08/2011 17:52

She's never gotten over your supposed betrayal re: the ex-boyfriend: In your friend's mind, you betrayed her. Did you ever tell her that he's texting you and inviting you out for drinks? If you didn't and she found out, she would wonder why you would hide it if for no other reason than that there was some interest on your part.

You were her friend. You were suppose to be loyal to her. You were suppose to cut him dead....until she gets over it at least. And, then she finds you communicating with him about drinks?

If I were you and were friends with the ex, I would've said to him: Sorry but you hurt my friend and while I am your friend too, I have to support her through this. Maybe when this blows over, we can talk again.

She should've let it go after you had your big talk but she hasn't because she can't trust you. She was waiting for you to fail her and when you didn't support her moving, it was a sign of betrayal and she cut you out of her life.

Now its time for you cut her out of your life. Stop with the hellos. She's now a stranger.

My advice to about friendships: If I have made 3 overtures and they don't want to be friends, I cut them off. 3 times and you are out! Not going to waste another minute on them.

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 31/08/2011 18:03

Everything you say rings true. I had told her about the texting etc but agree that I should have completely cut him dead and not been friendly with him. Hindsight, eh? There's no takesy backsies on this one unfortunately.

I like the 3 strikes and you're out. She's definitely out!

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voddiekeepsmesane · 31/08/2011 18:50

Honestly I would not waste another moment of thought on this woman (wish you said woman instead of girl in op because it makes the post seem infantile saying girl sorry ) Why are you letting it bother you so much?

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 31/08/2011 18:56

I don't know why I said girl either. Blush

I don't know why it bothers me! I wish it didn't. I guess it feels somehow unresolved in my mind. I don't really feel like I've done anything hugely wrong, and anything that I HAD done wrong I have apologised and, I thought, been forgiven for. I suppose it's the fact that she's harboured so much resentment all these years without telling me and it's all just boiled up and come out of her. I hate the fact that she thinks I'm this evil nasty person. I'm really quite fluffy and innocent :o It's just sad as well - we were very close once and now it's like she's a completely different person.

Thanks to everyone, it's been sooooooo therapeutic just getting it all off my chest.

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redexpat · 31/08/2011 21:20

Regardless of rights and wrongs, she sounds like a drama queen who cannot move on, in which case you are better off without her.

mynewpassion · 31/08/2011 23:49

I just think its obvious why she thinks you are this evil, nasty person. She thinks you risked your 7 year friendship just to be flattered by her ex. Its almost like being cheated on by your partner.

You might think you are nice, fluffy, and innocent - and you probably are - but you let a twat of a man, who you weren't even interested in, get between your friendship. For what? A few moments of flattery?

Your friendship was doomed. I am surprised it lasted as long as it did. If I were her, I would've forgiven you at the same time started distancing myself from you.

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 01/09/2011 08:48

Ouch! Mynewpassion, hadn't thought of it like that. I suppose it's all very well to think I'm taking the high moral ground as nothing ever happened between me and this guy. But I shouldn't have even entertained it for one second and even though she and he were broken up, I should have just completely ignored him. Thanks for giving it to me straight. Ouch! But fair I suppose.

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