To ask if becoming a mum has made you see your dark side?

[joannita]

Just wondered if anyone else has realised they aren't as good a person as they thought since having a baby. Did you think you were patient and easygoing only to find you had a shorter fuse than most? Did you think you were organised only to descend into chaos? Does this stuff happen to everyone or is it just me?

oh ds1 is 8 (and an absolutely delightful kindhearted chap) and ds2 is 4 and completely obsessed with star wars/ doctor who to the exclusion of much else :)

I am very short fused and a sulker - I also like to win and can't let things slip by :(

breaktime I was so distressed to come back to this thread and read your posts.

Bi-polar disorder runs in my family, my grandmother and brother have it. When I was young I watched my grandmother have some pretty outrageous manic episodes and finally two psychotic breaks which left her living naked in the bathroom for a few weeks before anyone bothered to have her hospitalized. I was fairly exposed to most of this and visited her in the psychiatric hospital during her treatment. While she was not my mother I do admire her strength, resilience and humility for having successfully addressed her illness. I certainly thought a lot about the way she preserved when I was battling depression myself and I imagine her experience has influence my brother in dealing with his illness.

You have a huge amount to offer your children. And although it sounds like you are still dealing with the after effects of your illness, you have the strength to fight and that is a wonderful thing to show you kids. You XH isn't being very helpful, but it's not about him any more. It's about you, you and your kids.

So get stronger, get smarter. Teach your kids that. After all they are learning all they need to know about bitterness and resentment from their Dad.

thanks California.

You are quite right, I have to model moving on from bitterness and resentment to my boys. And if I can't forgive myself for what I see as my weakness in giving in to my illness, I won't be able to do that. I am not there yet. But I am very grateful for the kindness I have been shown on this thread.

Bipolar disorder is an awful and strange thing. It divorces you from yourself- you start to wonder who you really are. It must have been even worse in your grandmother's era- at least I've been able to use a reasonably gentle chemical cosh to relieve myself of the worst of my symptoms. Back then I expect it was chlorpromazine and institutionalisation only with ECT if you were lucky....

I've found that I'm a big softy that cries at everything. Can't read the paper, can't watch films with too much angst. I'm a bit of a disappointment to my DH because I will not watch The Wire any more.

Turned into a saddo

I've found the opposite. As a rule I am chaotic, impatient and disorganised but since having DD1 I have become ridiculously organised, much more patient (although I still have a short fuse sometimes) and much more calm. Sure, I have my days when I am a she-beast but for the most part I find being a mother has changed me for the better. I am a lot more anxious now though!

breaktime I am so sorry that you you weren't married to a decent understanding man while you were going through all this. I know it must have been hard for him to, but the fact that he sees you as inferior for having a mental illness and doesn't accept at all that your illness affected the way you behaved . . . well that says a lot about him. I meet them occasionally in life . . . these people who don't "believe" in MH issues! They usually tell me this after someone has mentioned my problems with OCD, depression and anxiety disorder. Twats!

How old are your boys?

I am definately not the happy clappy earth mother i thought i would be .

Whose, they are 4 and 8 and really very lovely and apparently happy little chaps. Bloody noisy though :D

Ds1 does get concerned for me as he knows I have been ill and am 'a bit mad' :D

One thing they have going for them is the total adoration of their dad, which I know a lot of kids in post-separation families don't have. I am grateful for that.

xH is scared to death of me becoming an SAHM, he gets jealous of the idea that I might have more time with the boys than him (sigh...) so he has a vested interest in making this new arrangement with me living one and half hours away work. I hope to god it does and doesn't upset the boys too muc long term. I'm staying in close touch with the school who know the situation, but obviously think it woudl be better if I gave up work (everyone who doesn't know me, thinks that....eveyrone who knows me doesn't :S) and stayed in London.

Long term, I find London a very frightening and alienating place but am aiming to save up for a base here so I can offer the boys a choice of where to be when they are with me, rather than forcing them to spend all their holidays in a different town (obviously when they're older they'll vote with their feet anyway and it would be nice if I could at least be in the area).

i am totally exhausted by the situation tbh. It's been going on for 3 years, no resolution, no divorce. So many times I've had enough and just wanted to die, but I know that even a crap mum is better than none at all so i stayed around mainly for the boys.

I have morphed into my dad since becoming a mother. Very quick temper, constantly stressed and absolutely no patience whatsoever.

I've reluctantly lowered my expectations from best mum ever to not a total monster.

I am the same as AgentZ....I used to LIVE in the dark side and now I go out of my way to avoid it.

The dark side just needs a trigger, mine was triggered 5 times (5 kids) and it's gets stronger each time

breaktime73 Why aren't you divorced yet?

I'm a bit confused about you saying that he's worried about you becoming a SAHM, I thought that you had lost custody to him. So do you share it instead but you have to work outside of London for your MH which is why you see them less?

Where abouts in London do they live and where abouts do you live? I'm wondering because I live on the edge of London.

Hiya Whose.

oh god don't ask....he took a YEAR to provide the financial information. No excuse or reason given. he was 'busy'. The residence issue never got to court in the end although effectively i did lose my plea for a residence arrangement that would have allowed me to see the boys regularly enough. As I have far more time during the week (and far more time full stop) and would not need to farm them out to a nanny etc, I wanted weekday custody, offered him every weekend, no go. He insists on 50% minimum and the level of legal threats he was issuing plus the fact that he is a lawyer and used to a good fight or 3 meat that I knew there was no point in going to court in the end, would have bankrupted me and upset the kids even more, so I gave in.

he is also obsessed with their current school and insists that they go there until 16 (?! how they'll feel about that when they hit their teens I don't know). So no moving out of a very specific area of London, for their life. Even though we could both live within commutable distance of both jobs quite easily, he has made it clear that he will never consider this. His life must not change, full stop.

I have to work outside of London because I couldn't get work there as an academic (I did try...) plus I also suffer from crowd phobia, panic attacks etc which are much worse in urban areas. Due to medication i can't drive for long periods either so doing the one and half hour drive to work from London every day was out really. I was doing this p/t last year and ended up having complete nervous collapses all the time.

tbh though I still dont' know if what I am doing is the right thing and that is why there is a chance I'll end up giving up work and coming back to be an SAHM in London. That is what ex is terrified of.

I considered taking voluntary redundancy over the summer but just couldnt' do it... I've worked for 8 years to get this job and work is the only place I have any friends, sadly :(. I was told quite frankly that I'd most likeely never get work in niversities again apart from p/t teaching (and even that is not guaranteed in this awful economic climate) if I left now. And I was always a dreadful mum anyway in any other terms than 'playing'. No good at cooking, homework, etc. Control of temper and moods is clearly an issue and I struggle with that every day. The loss is not really the boys' but mine. I long to have them in my life every day, but my illness and circumstances mean that i can't. The guilt is overwhelming because I know that if I wasnt' this awkward loony person, I wouldnt' be in the situation I'm in. And I know a lot of people can't sympathise with me- they feel I chose to be marginalised in their lives so I deserve all I get. And I sort of understand them.

we are in SE london atm. If I say 'area close to public school' you can make a good guess :) I am heading out to Kent. Have probably now outed myself as happened last time I discussed our situation in detail, but what the hell...

Another recruit to the dark side, sadly.

I definitely moved to "the dark side" when I had kids. I simple could not cope with how much my life changed after having them. Particularly the first.
I am great for going out with them,organising fun things to do etc. I am very organised at home etc. But I would say my fuse is about 1mm long!
I have always been referred to as someone with "the patience of a saint".but for some reason I simply cannot stand squabbling or fighting between the kids.
It literally sends me into a shrieking twat. My mum says that my nature is to be very easy going,that I never squabbled as a child,and maybe that it is because I don't "get" squabbling that I freak out.
I dunno,but they can certainly push my buttons.
Having kids made me completely reassess who I was/thought I was. It was a very hard time for me,actually. But now I try to give myself a break. I do my best,and never stop trying to be "better" at being a mum.
My DC know I love them,even when wailing about the place.

breaktime73 I sort of wish you could come back to London as a SAHM but I get why London is not good for you and why you need to stay in your job. How many days a week do you do? I was wondering about some sort of split, where you spend half the week in Kent and the other half in London being SAHM to your boys. Would that be too much pressure on you though?

"playing" is one of the most important parts. I am guessing that you see it as not being that significant as your ex has told you that and put you down for not being great with the housework/cooking. Being able to play with your kids is great! I have had to read a book to learn how to do it . . . I was that crap! I had no experience of children at all and have had to learn every bit of it. I have trouble controlling my temper and moods too. It's horrible isn't it. You see the sort of mum you want to be but it's hard to make it happen.

(ps. I really want to punch your ex in the face)

woopsidaisy You sound like me!

Hiya Whose. That 'split' is exactly what I was doing for the last 3 years. It didnt' work for many reasons. Firstly being a p/t academic is not a p/t job. You end up doing a 40 hour week instead of 65 during term, and no one in the higher echelons respected the fact that I needed 2 FULL days not in the office. I.e. I could not attend 'compulsory' meetings on Tuesdays etc. I ended up getting disciplinary letters because I was not attending said meetings and was cancelling things for children's illness etc. no one understood why I couldn't just hop into the office now and then like everyone else did (I was the only person at work in such a situation as you can imagine and the only single parent) :S

It just didnt' work. I really did try but last year I hit a suicidal low (several times) so I'm trying this arrangement as something different, that may or may not work.

Yeah ex is for sure not the greatest guy to be in a divorce with. he basically wants to erase me from existence except for the times he needs childcare. He has taken pride many times in saying that if I disappeared off the face of the earth 'we' (he and 'his' boys) would be fine. It is truly horrible to be hated, blocked and diminished that much. I think rather than hating him (I do sometimes) I kind of take on his hate and feel i deserve it. Even though I know his view is distorted and does not help the boys at all.

We will see how it goes this year. I may be back. I must say that I loathe London and the crowds (xH knows this, we were always going to leave) and being out of here does seem to help my anxiety and panic disorder andt he boys are excited about having a house by the seaside :)

I will be staying with my sister on occasions when I have to be back here for school events. I asked xH if in the interests of co parenting I could stay in his spare room on those occasions (promising to be completely unobtrusive) and he didn't even dignify the request with an answer :S

I am alternately extremely patient....or not.

Was feeling really bad yesterday actually, haven't been well and this combined with being pregnant has made me just want to lie down and sleep. Consequently have not had the most amount of patience with my 2 two year olds!

Having children stopped me "sweating the small stuff"

Priorities change and I think I became far more capable , less selfish and saw joy in what I had rather than a need for material things. So in that respect it brought out what I hope was a much nicer patient aspect of me, however the fierce and unconditional love I felt for my children also brought out a dark side I didnt know existed within me when ever I was put in a position where I had to protect my children . I did not realise how desperately vicious a "protective" mum could be until I became her.

Breaktime your story is so sad, you have the reason of MH problems to explain your behaviours, Your EX has no such reason , no excuse , he is just a horrible person. I sincerely hope you find a peaceful resolution that works for you

I knew I was a bad tempered,cranky,short fused harridan before I had kids. Having them just proved me right :o

breaktime73 I really hope it all works out for you.