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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to spend xmas with in-laws every year?

39 replies

joannita · 30/08/2011 21:59

Dh is Spanish and his parents live in Madrid. I get on quite well with mil but fil is a moody alcoholic and brings everyone else down. Ds is turning 2 over xmas. We spent last xmas including ds's first birthday with in-laws in Madrid. I had a rubbish time, and so did dh. It culminated in him telling his dad he wouldn't get to see ds again unless he sorted out his drinking. We went over in May and fil was well behaved. It was like spending time with a normal human being for a change. I actually enjoyed the holiday instead of feeling trapped.

The thing is we live in England and ds sees much more of my parents than he sees the in-laws. Dh thinks that because of this we should always spend xmas with his parents but I disagree. We visit them around 3 times a year and they come here at least twice a year. I have learned Spanish and I make a lot of effort to embrace Spanish culture. I just want to have Christmas and ds's birthday with my own family on alternate years. I don't think that's too much to ask, especially as we can still go over to Spain for new year and Epiphany, which is a big festival and present-giving day for kids. So what do you think - AIBU?

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Original poster

joannita · 31/08/2011 10:12

Thanks everyone,

I have dug my heels in and dh has agreed to have xmas and ds's birthday here on alternate years, but he's made it clear that he thinks I'm being selfish and unreasonable about it. If he thinks that then his family will too. I'm annoyed that I get to be the villain when it was his choice to live here with me and start a family here. It seems very unfair.

Last year we went to Spain 5 times including once a month at the end of Oct, Nov and Dec. ( it doesn't cost us that much - flights are cheap and we stay with ils) I found it very stressful with a small baby and said we needed to go less, which caused a big argument, but again I dug my heels in, so this year we've only been once to Madrid and once to Catalonia where my sister lives. Mil and Sil came to visit us there too. I imagine we'll go to Madrid in oct and at the end of the year. Also the ils are coming for 2 weeks in Sept and sil is coming for 4 days in oct. All this considered, I think that I'm making quite a big commitment to including the ils in ds's life, so it rankles that I get guilt-tripped all the time.

Dh is always telling me things like "Your grandma sees him every week and mine only see him twice a year." That's just not my fault.

RE New Year in Spain, we usually spend it with the family, so it's fairly quiet. But most Spanish festivities seem to be about getting drunk, just like here I'm afraid! The place to gather in Madrid is the Puerta del Sol which is much like meeting in Trafalgar Square here. They are big drinkers and you should see the measures of spirits you get in a bar in Spain! About half a tall glassful! Spanish people are real party animals and seem to have limitless energy. Partying can start at 11pm and often goes on till 8am the next day. I've never been able to keep up but I have to admire their stamina!

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pink4ever · 31/08/2011 10:15

YANBU!!! I already started a thread similiar to this. OUt of the laat 9 years we have soent 6 of the xmas with inlaws(the other 3 were with my family). I hate it-we have to stay over as I dont drive and dh wont go without a xmas drink. Dcs have to leave their toys behind. We have never had xmas in our own home.
I have told dh I and dcs are staying at home this year and he can do what he likes. I know he thinks I am bu and that I am bluffing but this time am sticking to my guns.
Stay home-you will be much happier.

pommedechocolat · 31/08/2011 10:15

You need to work out hours per year/week for ILs vs your family. I bet it's the same evened out.

You then need to explain this to your dh! So, yes, the ILs see ds less regularly but will see him for long stretches of time compared to little and often for your family.

Original poster

joannita · 31/08/2011 10:21

Pomme de chocolat. I've tried telling him that many times, but it's a very emotive issue for him and it's difficult for him to see reason. He just denies it and points out how many times we've been to my mum's house recently. We've spent a lot of time there lately because my sister has been over from Spain for a month with her dcs. (Confusingly my sister is married to an English guy and lives in Spain!)

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Original poster

joannita · 31/08/2011 10:23

I just hate that it keeps getting turned into a competition! To me it's very clear that he needs to spend time with both sides of the family. I don't want him to feel some kind of fucked-up tug of love going on. It's not healthy. That's why I want to get it sorted now while he's too young to understand what's going on.

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diddl · 31/08/2011 10:24

OMG-he thinks that you´re being selfish for wanting to see your parents at Christmas?

If it means so much, why did he leave the country??

We mostly have Christmas at ours-people can come to us if they want.

"But how can you say you're not inviting them when you know they'll be on their own? "

How are they on their own when they have each other?

pommedechocolat · 31/08/2011 10:42

I once read something on here about babies not being a cake - i.e. noone has a right to a 'piece' or 'equal shares'.

Very true I think. Life doesn't work like that and your dh needs to figure that out. He also needs to do a bit of looking at himself and his guilt (?) for having moved to a different country. It's not fair to project his issues onto you and ds.

Have you actually calculated in hours at all? I've done that before!

fedupofnamechanging · 31/08/2011 11:11

pink4ever I remember your thread. Am very glad to hear you have put your foot down over Christmas.

pommedechocolat · 31/08/2011 11:32

Is pink4ever the poor sod that had to spend EVERY Sunday with the ILs?

pink4ever · 31/08/2011 11:40

Yes Pomme I do spend EVERY sunday with inlaws. Currently have a reprieve as they are on holiday!. But am determined to put a stop to that too. Mn is finally helping me to grow a back bone.

pommedechocolat · 31/08/2011 11:42

I remember you too pink4ever - good luck with getting your weekends back!

blackeyedsusan · 31/08/2011 11:54

pink, i remember your thread..... NO DON'T GIVE IN....

Nor you joannita. your h is being selfish to assume that you will give up you family christmas every year. remember that. you are not selfish.

wwork out the hours for your own benefit, so evrytime h hits you with the we see family often lline you have the figures to hand to know that you are not being unrreasonable.

cestlavielife · 31/08/2011 11:58

do xmas at home tehn go to spain for new year.

and surely your h could take DS on his own to see the spanish side as often as he likes?
you dont need to always go with him do you?

Original poster

joannita · 31/08/2011 12:28

I Haven't worked out the hours, but maybe I should. Don't worry I haven't given in. I have won the argument about what's going to happen, it's just that I'd like dh to agree that it's reasonable to do alternate years rather than calling me selfish and unfair for it!

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